Hoiya~
I had another night in a row of decent sleep :)
but I did dose myself up once again
I hope it continues this pattern of better sleep but I have to wonder
will I be able to sleep without all the help?
One thing is that it makes me tired and yawn til about 1pm
So today mum woke me up at 8:30am as we wanted to get
into the city centre before it got busy
we were out the house for 9:30am
Mum picked up various bits
I got a new 'david & goliath' t-shirt which is grey with a zombiefied toast on it
saying "the walking bread" i thought it quite suited me as I look like
the walking dead most days
I picked up 2 bras too, not that i needed any new ones but when they're reduced to £6 it would
be dumb not to buy them in for when I need them.
and that was it
we had a drink and a brownie between us
I checked out the manga store but I couldnt see what I wanted
then we came home
When I got home I had lunch then went to bed
just exhausted really and needed to get away from everything
I had talked to mum about how I was feeling with everything
cus the thought of work next week turns my stomach and im full of anxiety
but also sadness as ive worked really hard to get where I am today
and just because Im not feeling mentally strong its effecting my life greatly
I want to return to work. hell I just want to be able to work like everyone else
but I just cant seem to get over this panic hurdle
I dont feel ready to go back almost like I just know I wont be able to handle
what the day throws at me
last thing i want to do is cry in the work place cus ive done enough of that at work and college
id only be able to work wednesday and friday this week coming anyway as i have
appointments to go.
fed up of having poor health
no one else has to take days off work for therapy sessions and other treatments to keep their health up, no they just get on with it and work monday to friday 9 til 5
I dont know how I'll feel if i dont go to work and people ask me
"have you gone back to work?" what do I say?
"no cus I dont feel like I can handle it" makes me look pathetic and like I dont want to work
but I do
I want to be normal
I hate having all these issues
as much as I want to give up and crawl in a ball I dont i know ive come too far and I wouldnt want to worry mum any more or lose the relationship I have with adam
all this i told mum whilst crying a bit
knew id cry at some point
I managed to do 40mins of sewing
I got the hood done on my jacket and the sleeves
just doing bits and pieces as theres no rush
now gonna draw and if i feel up to it i will dance
tomorrow I have a hair cut at 10:30am
then I was gonna go to adams but I got the feeling he didnt want me over so early
so im gonna go home and see him in a bit
then who knows in the afternoon
pray i sleep tonight
