Evening
Well last night me and Jack didnt settle down and watch Inuyasha
he seemed quite happy on his computer so I left him to it and got ready for bed
he did join me, he was tired and stopped reading in bed before me. I could not settle tho. I was restless. I had slept for over 2 hours in the day and done no exercise. Also my mind was racing.
I got up, leaving Jack fast asleep and made myself a hot chocolate - you can hear everything in the bungalow so I was worried the kettle would wake Jack up - nope!
I sat with my hot chocolate and had a pain killer even tho I had only taken some 2 hours previously but I just wanted to sleep and usually that does knock me out. But no
I laid there and laid there, listening to Jack sleep
I couldnt take it anymore and decided to see how asleep he was and stroked his hand and said his name softly but nothing, so I got up alone. I sat crying in the living room alone
I just felt so confused. Like what I was feeling and thinking was wrong
Ive seen all my friends dead happy and excited about moving out, and I didnt feel that. I just sad...numb and unhappy. But why? I have had loads of help with everything to get me settled and such. I should feel happy and grateful but I just didnt.
I decided these thoughts were getting me no where so I did 20 mins of yoga by candle light and then decided I still felt like utter crap. I considered taking a lot of pain killers just so I wouldnt need to think or feel. I did take another pain killer at 1am which was over dosing but I wasnt bothered in the slightest. I went to bed and cuddled up to Jack who let me cuddle him in his sleep.
When I woke up this morning I was alone in bed and it was 9:50am!! jesus....that was some lay in
Jack had been up and sorted a few things online, such as our damaged freezer which is being replaced free of charge on tuesday.
I couldnt be bothered with the day to be honest I felt so flat and down.
Jack made me a cup of tea and tried to get me motivated and my spirit going
I had a shower and felt more human
Jack's new driving instructor arrived at 10:50am and off he went, whilst my mum pulled up on the drive with Ozwald X3 that cheered me up just seeing her and my Oz
who honestly was loving his morning and scattering his poos >.> found 10 under my bed the untidy git
mum helped me unpack the rest of my stuff and kept me company basically, which with the way I have been feeling is probably for the best. Then she took my Oz away and I had half hour to myself before Jack would be home, so I decided to paint the wood work in the porch and the bathroom door so it all looks better for that. Then Jack came home and warmed our soup up whilst I finished the toilet door.
After lunch I decided to give my coffee table another coat of potent yacht varnish and the tin lid is a bit sharp in places but I didnt think much of it, so I continued to varnish away and looked down at the bubble wrap I had used to protect the carpet from varnish to find blood smeared across it. I looked at my hand and I had cut my finger open :/ not that I could feel it.
but that was enough to literally make me feel faint in a matter of seconds, luckily jack came in at that point and was like "have you cut yourself?" i just nodded as I couldnt speak, pathetic as the cut is TINY! he was like "right ok stop looking at it!!" and got me on to the sofa before I did pass out. For some reason I just cant cope with my own blood.
took me a while to recover from that which irritated the hell out of me as it was sunny out and i wanted to get out for a walk down the river!! jack tended to my cut bless him
and he drove down to the river, we walked in the sunlight along the river which was nice
then I drove us to tara's who wasnt in but I just wanted to drop her xmas present off anyway, then drove us home.
we got in and had a brew and a rest
we then planned out our meals and shopping list as its christmas week next week and we still dont have a freezer!
then I had a half hour sleep on the bed whilst jack gamed
we went over to mum and dad's and had take away pizza, well they did i had pasta from last night as I couldnt face pizza and the pasta gave me stomach ache. I ended up crying on my bed from exhaustion and just the way I am feeling. we sat with Oz which cheered me up then we went home.
Come on here to do my diary, gonna have hot chocolate and watch inuyasha then go bed
Tomorrow
we are gonna get to the shops for 10am - when they open
and do our christmas food shop
have lunch then dad is coming over to help with a few bits
then not sure really i guess we have the rest of the day free
our christmas tree 2.0 after i got some decorations from home
