Konbanwa
couldnt sleep last night
had a lot on my mind
mainly school and rats...
had horrific nightmares about the suffering of guinea pigs
i was so done when i woke up this morning
school was hard work like a real hard slog
i got there and went straight upstairs to julia's prep room
to see my rats
i needed them at 10am it was only 8am but thought id get them out
until i smelt them...
my god they smelt far worse than i thought possible
to say there were in a sealed bag...
i left them in the fume cupboard
started talking to julia who saw me
then my phone went off 3 times it was jack wondering where i was
as it was 8:15am and he hadnt seen me so i came down to him
to report that yes i was in and yes i was on time
he said he wasnt bothered about that he was just worried
the dissection was bloody rank
the smell and everything
i could hear them being hammered and jack shut the prep room door
i put ear phones in as i really didnt want to hear what was happening
they put the bodies in the bag so i didnt have to deal with them
but still had the blood soaked board to clean and the instruments....
just ew
the smell was turning my already sensitive stomach, over and over again
i managed tho for the first class
second lot of dissection was after lunch and i couldnt bring myself to do the boards
the smell....theyre wooden so soak up blood and smell....
jack did them they were only 3 to do
he could see i was finding it all hard
during lunch tho we did secret santa
i got a 365 day art book which seems pretty cool and thoughtful and also white chocolate!
so i was happy
jack got a game of thrones cook book which seemed a lil naff if im honest
especially as he doesnt like game of thrones and he doesnt cook much!
i told him about thrashing myself to pieces last night
and how i wasnt going out with the department that evening
he gave me a hug and said how much it must suck for me and that he wondered if he could do anything. and there isnt. i can rely on him just about during school. i cant rely on him outside of school. so i said it was fine and missing out on stuff it just part of my life
i didnt tell anyone else i was skipping out
i couldnt be doing with that question
"why?"
no one knows, no one understands
i felt so rotten after lunch
i had stomach ache and felt sick and dizzy
jack told me to go home but i didnt want to go home
it got to 3:10pm and he told me to go home but i didnt want to
i said it wasnt fair if i got to go home early
but by 3:40pm i was shaking and everyone came in the prep room
i couldnt think and i had had enough
so i got my stuff and left
it hurt knowing they were all meeting up later and i wasnt
i came home and sat with my piglets and Oz
had a brew, complained to mum about my stomach
and begged her to not make me eat dinner
i told her i couldnt handle anymore that night and sitting with a stomach full of battery acid will finish me off. i went to bed and she didnt wake me for dinner
so she heard my pleas
she doesnt usually let me 'get away' without dinner
but i think she could see how low and fed up i was
jack txted to see if i got home ok and said everyone was better than him at bowling
i told him to have fun
since then i have done 45 mins of yoga
whilst my body shook the entire time with sheer exhaustion
but i have to do something
life is cruel
and id be lying if i didnt say that sometimes i want to jack in my life
ive had enough
im so done im so tired and drained
ive got 1 and a half days left
im hoping i can do this
tomorrow theres 2 more dissections then done for a whole year with rat dissection
i hope i can do it
then christmas yoga to push my body on through
hope i sleep tonight
