Evening
well aware I haven't been on here for a few days...
Tuesday I came home from school early
just before lunch as I just wasnt picking up
but i had said to jack i was gonna be the next day
did not happen
what did happen however on my tuesday night
i received a txt message from my phone company
stating that they had failed to take payment from my bank account
and if i dont do something about it, it could lead to termination of my contract
i had only just last week changed my bank details on my contract
so i pay instead of my dad
i rang the phone company up after telling my dad
as unfortunately the contract is in his name not mine
i was on hold for 40 mins no less
meanwhile my dad had called me stupid and a waste of space
crushing what little confidence i have in myself
i felt so poorly as well
i got through to someone who spoke bad english
and she cut me off after a minute on the phone...
i had been on hold for 40 mins
my dad called me all things under the sun
i hyperventilated, ran to the toilet to dry heave over the seat
followed it up with a panic attack and my mum trying to calm me down
my dad was on hold on the phone
he rang his bank in the mean time and they said phone company had terminated the money on his bank account which was correct
i rang my bank but my dad spoke as i was too upset and choked up to breathe let alone speak, and they said they hadnt stopped any payments and all was fine
we got through to my phone company
turns out it was a total scam, and i wasnt the first one to ring about this tonight
so all this was for nothing
everything was actually fine
i felt sick tho as when i checked the original text message it had asked for some bank details, which i typed in, but it took me to my online banking page - luckily i do not have online banking
so i closed it down
but i worried about the details i typed in
so i phoned my bank again - this was now 9pm think we started all this at 6:30pm
they cancelled my card and put a fresh one in the post
just for peace of mind really
i went to bed exhausted
my body shook with every movement i took
the illness i have is a 'stress' illness and reacts very very badly to stress
what had happened truly stressed me out and i wasnt feeling well in the first place
and i cant cope with such an abusive father
when hes like i think "all the bridges i try and build, all the progress i feel i have made with him. its been for nothing. we're no better than what we were years ago"
he never tries with me
i always try with him
and he still hates me, he still thinks nothing of me
and it hurts
im his daughter
and he treats me like that
it awful
he apologised but only after mum had pointed out what an arse hole he'd been
he put his hand on my shoulder as i sat at the kitchen table, numb
just that action of him touching me made me throw up in my mouth
i had to deal with the mentalness afterwards tho
i wanted to cut myself
i wanted to die
i wanted to hurt him
i wanted to scream
i didnt want to wake up
i didnt want to feel
wednesday
i woke up to my alarm
i sat up and laid back down again
i felt like crap
and its all because of him
i would have been able to go to school if it wasnt for his behaviour
not that he would care
so i stayed at home
home alone all day
i didnt ring school
i didnt text jack
i was disappointed i was still alive when i woke up
my phone rang at 8:30am it was jack
obviously concerned about my whereabouts
i told him i wasnt well, he insisted on coming over that night
i told him i was fine but he insisted
during the day i made jack's dice bag which turned out really well
i will upload a picture as im pleased with it
i slept
i sat with pets
i didnt go yoga as i was still dead
jack came over i made us a simple dinner
and we just laid on my bed
he insists we meet this weekend
i told him just about what happened tuesday night
he made me promise to call if im ever upset
that is a hard task i have to say
he left at 9:30pm i was shattered and went to bed after i saw Oz
Today
i got up for school
not feeling 100% but determined to go
half the science staff werent in as they ether dont work fridays or were on a science trip
so i knew it would be an easy day
julia was on the trip so it would mean jac being alone all day
and i didnt want that
head of science saw me in the morning and could see i looked rough
but i told him id like to get through the day if i can
and i did, somehow
i did think at some point i would go home as i felt bad but i managed to keep going
i got soaked in the rain going to the bins
so i took my polo shirt off, leaving my long sleeved top on, i just heard from the prep room office "keep going" i turned to jack and said "you total perv" and laughed XD
we laughed and joked a lot today actually so it was nice
monday doesnt look too bad
ive got one practical im unsure of but jack will support me ^^
i left school and went to Nigel's
he basically said the reason why i cant digest food, why my lips are blue in the morning, why im pale, is because my energy is at an all time low. my circulation and digestion is compromised so he treated me for that and pain in my hips
i came home, showered and put pyjamas on
and had dinner
im not exercising as i dont think i physically can
im grateful i got through the day
im gonna sit with oz now and then do my nails then go to bed
tomorrow i have a hair cut in the morning
just a tidy really
then not sure after that
i know jack wants to meet up but just see how the day goes
it has been weeks since we spent time together
him coming to see me last night was the first time out of school we've seen each other since 16th november
so i think i will sleep over on saturday night
