Evening
Last night I did manage to do a bit of drawing, and then Jack asked if he could game with his friends as they were online. I said this was fine with me, I will go to bed when I like.
I was in bed for 9:45pm
But I could not sleep. I ached and then the sheer overwhelming thoughts that just would not shut up.....thoughts that I had been blanking and shutting out, ignoring over the last few weeks just got too much. I think I just cracked a bit.
I got up at 11:15pm not being able to take the pain any longer, and over dosed. Making me feel quite sick. I needed to be numb to not be able to think or feel. To not hear the thoughts about self harming, to not hear the thoughts about calories. Both thoughts I have been trying to bury for the last couple of weeks. To pretend I had never had them, that my mental health had not fallen that badly. But it has. And admitting that is incredibly hard and soul destroying. I pretend Im ok, that Im not falling to pieces inside, that I can continue to be strong, that I can wear my mask for others. But I guess it just leads to the path of burn out, I burnt myself out.
I cried alone in the dark in the living room. Jack came to bed at midnight. I was hoping he would think Hammington in bed was me. But he soon discovered I was not in bed and came to find me. damn it. Usually its mum who finds me crying but now its jack I guess
He said I should have got him, that helping me through all this is far more important than being on a game. Hes right, I know. However its not nice seeing your love one like that and I dont want him to tire of always seeing me like this. He said that would never happen.
I stayed up just quietly crying whilst he cuddled me and I think I fell asleep around 2ish
the alarm went off and I felt dizzy and weak as a kitten. I could barely sit up. I said to Jack that I couldnt make it in today. He was like "no no you are not going"
he then had a mad rush of getting ready with no breakfast, running out into the rain to wait by the main road in the village for hannah from work to pick him up. I felt awful for him having such a hard night with me then a sucky evening. I txted my brother at 7am telling him to tell mum I was off school, shes wouldnt be checking her phone til gone 8am and I was gonna ring her. But I fell asleep >< I fell asleep for 3 hours too! I was just gone. I woke up and had to get rid of everything from my stomach. I felt terrible at this point, I txt mum that I was awake and she popped by on her way home which was around 11am. She made me tea and I had some breakfast and my morning meds. I looked and felt awful. In fact mum said I looked green.
She kept me company talking for a couple of hours but left me to get lunch. I ate my lunch with Oz and then I just did the odd little thing round the house, drew, got Oz out and just did that on rotation.
Jack couldnt get a lift home with hannah until like 5pm, he finishes at 3:30. But people were going for a drink in the pub for chris's birthday tomorrow. So Jack joined them and then hitched a lift with Hannah I was happy he went pub, does him some good to have a drink and socialise.
He came in and I warmed our leftovers up and we had dinner, he had a shower and was just about in time for his dungeon and dragons, I had managed to see him a little bit before his gaming.
I sat behind him on my laptop finishing off my drawing I have been working on for weeks!!!!!
It is done I think. It was hard but if you dont challenge yourself then your art doesnt improve.
its on my redbubble page
https://www.redbubble.com/people/LunatiqueDesign/shop?asc=u
Now I am just with Ozwald who is always hungry XD
I am not doing any exercise tonight as I am drained and weak. I literally cant do any exercise so I admit defeat tonight and will be kind to myself and to my body. Have a nice bath and relax.
tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow
I am posting my cousin's birthday present as its her birthday 3rd June so I want her to have it in time.
then I will go a shop for some stuff for school, and then I have been saying to Jack I will take him to this sandwich place my brother goes to every friday. I show Jack my brother's breakfast cobs and Jack really wants one so I will take him there tomorrow finally just to collect something.
Then I am doing nothing the rest of the day I hope!
