I slept better last night taking 2 tablets
This morning I had stomach ache -_____- I couldnt face food
not after 2 toilet visits within 30mins of waking
so I didnt have anything apart from a brew
I did something I havent done in over 18months
I weighed myself
O:
Seeing how my body is at the moment I felt it might be wise
to keep a check on my weight...
So I was surprisingly cool about it cus I havent been weighing myself due to
the mental grief it gives me. Let's just say it starts a chain reaction of anorexic thoughts
thoughts that quite frankly I can live without
the scaled told me I weigh 9stone exactly which is roughly 57kg
that doesnt sound a lot but to me IT IS
for years during my illness I weighed between 8.4 - 8.6 stone 53kg - 54kg
and I was fine with myself then I was, well not 100% true I still had anorexic thoughts
but I tried not to act on them they were just kinda there constantly
when I was at my 'sickest' i weighed 7.12 stone which is 45kg...i looked sick and thin
but it was because i was so poorly not because i was starving myself
So finding out I weighed 9 stone wasn't as bad as I thought
finding out I had put on half a stone didnt hit me as hard as I thought
I KNEW I had put on weight I could see it on my body this last 6months and feel the change
so maybe thats why it didnt make me go crazy and want to live off water XD
This morning I spent it sorted out the downstairs ready for my parents to come home
i did a little bit of dancing also then showered and went on my laptop
lunch was soup, no bread T^T missing my carbs and cake and biscuits
I picked adam up and we went for a walk then went back to his house
I did his mum's nails, played okami, talked to his parents
his mum offered me cake and i turned it down but she cut me a piece to take home
i was sooooooo hungry truly i was
adam showed me a mini photo album he had and he must be about aged 2 or 3
and sweet and innocent looking, he said "now youve seen mine i gotta see yours"
sooooooo not happening for so many reason
the main reason being that i know for a fact some of pur family albums
have photos of me and my brother naked in the bath together -_____-
what was my mother thinking taking those damn photos
at least facebook wasnt invented and they were posted all over that!!
i will keep those photos very well hidden
I came back and i ate some cake and then had a salad and had a small piece of bread with it
cus my god i cant survive off veg alone
and it would seem i had literally ate poison as i was in the toilet and in pain
mum says if im still the same by friday ive gotta go doctors again T^T
she talked to me about how in whitby it was Goth Weekend
ive always wanted to see whitby goth weekend!!! i wanna go next year!
we then talked about holidays and i told her that today adams parents suggested that the 4 of us go france together and i didnt turn her down or even think about it. my goal this year is to go abroad and in truth im wondering if i will achieve it. i know im not gonna die on holiday but i need to enjoy it not suffer through it and right now im not right they mentioned going away in July
which isnt that long to get physically and mentally stronger is it
i feel a lot of people doubting me but wishing for me to go
people just want for me to be better and live a normal life and to enjoy myself
yeah it sucks being me sometimes
i will get there
i spent some of my evening getting all my documentation ready for tomorrow
as at 10am i am signing onto another teaching agency its in the city centre
so im gonna go there for an hour, shop round then adam is gonna meet me in town
we're gonna have lunch (soup and nothing but soup) then come home!
My nails this week 10 different designs~
