I woke up at 1:30am for a massive wee
im guessing its cus i have this cold that im peeing for Britain
anyway i tried to get back off to sleep but it just wasnt happening
so by 3am i got up and did some yoga downstairs
i had a hot chocolate and cereal
came to bed at 4 depressed in the knowledge that i would probably wake in 2 hours
luckily i did sleep til 6:50am
got up and got ready for school
i looked like death
i could have quite easily not have gone school
i got to school
i wasnt even allowed to take my coat off before the teacher
was cramming my new time table down my throat
i thought "let me get through the door!"
so she pointed stuff out to me and what i noticed is that im down to help
2 year yes sodding 2 year olds on a wednesday afternoon
god thats my nightmare that age group
didnt think id be working with them that young
so i had group work to do an i left the classroom early to prep for it
to find out after id prepped that the teacher had already planned something
thanks for the heads up there
so a fellow TA did that with me
went back to class
screwed meal time up and found out we cant even sit down whilst serving the children
we have to bend our backs over the tables and do it now >.>
hate that
i left ASAP at lunch and mum pulled up at the gates
good timing
we went to a pub like a 3 min drive from school
we'd never been before
we ordered sticky toffee pudding with custard to share and a brew each
it was nice but i burnt my mouth
i cried to mum telling her how tired i am and how much im struggling
a repeat of last night it would seem!
we drove back to school and i sat in the car until the whistle blew
i told her i felt sick
i walked to sign back in and id obviously been crying and a TA saw me and asked if
i was ok i just said i wasnt feeling well
i went to my building to wait for the head TA to collect me
and in that moment that seemed enough to top me over the edge
i had an anxiety attack and ran for the office to do it through there - out the way
unfortuntely a teacher found me and got me water and went to speak to the head TA
the head TA came and told me to come somewhere quieter with her
so we started talking i told her how hard it as that ive been given a 4th class to learn
in just 8 days and all the information that comes with it
its hard to adjust and take it
i told her i had health issues but didnt say what they were as i said nothing can be done anyway
she said its awful to see me suffering, she thought from my interview that i was the kinda person used to going class to class getting stuff done - and for the record I AM, I CAN DO THIS, i know i can and i told her that i just need more time but i get more stuff rammed down me
all the while im crying like a total pathetic moron
she said is it the right thing for me maybe i needed a part time position maybe i didnt understand what this job entailed. and to be frank with her no i didnt and i said i got fed up of applying to jobs so of course im gonna take the first one actually offered to me
she said she could understand
i asked her if she regrets taking me on and would rather i leave
but she said no she just hopes its the right thing for me
we started doing the music intervention - what we originally were meeting for
she got 2 mins and i started crying again
cus all i could think about was that it was something more to learn and how pathetic and weak i was
so she said we would leave it
she told me to wipe my face and compose myself and take myself off into the 2 year old centre
i sat in a room quietly and got my self together
then went through
i was warmly welcomed but i wasnt there long as i had to cover in the nursery for the 3 year olds as something had kicked off in main school and needed someone from nursery
so i spent the remainder of the day in there which wasnt too bad just a bit dull
then we had a meeting after school to do with dates again like always on a wednesday
found it hard to grasp and wrote nothing down
i dragged my corpse to my car
drove home crying
just so tired, i never ate my lunch
mum said i looked awful when i came in and was surprised that they kept me there looking and feeling like that
she feels for me and i told her my afternoon and how i had an anxiety attack
i keep telling her i want to give it longer and its just cus i have a cold im feeling so crap
so i ate a cookie she made and some cereal
and i went to bed til 7pm
woke up mum made me omlet and cheese
but like all food lately its given me stomach ache
then i came upstairs for my diary
now going for a shower then Oz then bed
done nothing for myself today cus im dead and unhappy and cant think
so no walk like i have been doing no japanese or anything
just been resting so i can get through tomorrow
because that seems to be a reoccurring saying at school "you got through another day"
dont want to go tomorrow
i hope i die peacefully in my sleep if im honest with you
cus ive had enough of my life at this point in time
why cant i cope like everyone else does
so unhappy its unreal
i hope i sleep tonight
and i want my voice back
here is Tara's christmas card
