Yup just as I figured I didnt get any time to update yesterday!
So yesterday
I was awake from 5am and didnt sleep til 2am this morning
long day or what!
So from 5am I kinda tried to dose til I knew I had to get up for park run
I was up at 7am, had breakfast, did 15mins of yoga, cleaned girls out
was out the house for 8:20am
Park run was hooooootttttt very hot
I was a puddle at the end of it, very pink faced and I usually dont get that hot
I did 30:45 which isnt a PB but still good considering the damn heat
mum did 39mins which was a PB for her!
We came back and showered and I got stuff ready for the evening so I wouldnt
have too much to come back and do later
my stomach felt majorly off like it was rotting from the inside out
i put it down to medication
After lunch I went to adams
I did his mum's nails and we played crash I did 3 whole levels! i was on it!
cant remember much else we did, i know he wanted to go for ice cream but i didnt want to
id had cake that morning so i was alright on the sugar front XD
I came home to get ready
didnt take me too long and i was able to see Oz and have a little time to myself
i think i looked alright, i felt kinda comfortable and besides it was so damn hot
that i would have sweated buckets if i had covered up
so i had on a dress that was just on my knee caps, no tights (yes my bare legs!) and nothing on my arms (yes bare arms too!)
i said my goodbyes to mum and Oz and went to adams
he answered the door not at all ready nether was his dad
surprise surprise there we were leaving in 20mins
whats he been doing that last 2 hours!?
adams dad was like "alright Jo? oh shes got legs!"
i dont show flesh i really dont, adam ran his hands down my arms from my shoulders to my hands
i said "dont pay attention otherwise my armour goes straight back on! jumper and joggers!!"
he laughed and said his mum was getting ready
she looked really nice in her dress and i cant remember the last time i saw her with make up on ether actually, so it was nice for me to see how different she can look
we set off for the city centre once the boys decided that they too needed to change
we got to the casino, i could see the actual casino through 2 doors, we walked up to the desk requesting the party floor. and all we got was
"have you got any ID?"
my heart fell to the floor
my ID was in my purse and adams house...
i said "you are joking me"
he said "sorry its 'Challenge 21'"
Adams dad was killing himself
i said "im 26!"
makes no odds once the challenge is in effect, if i dont provide ID i dont get in
im sure i look 21
and besides youve only got to be 18 to get into a casino, im 8 years over that!!!
it was crazy
so they rang for the manager
the manager came and said he''d call for adams aunt whos party it was (and casino regular)
so there I was anxiously waiting for a woman to come down stairs who has never met before and got to vouch for my age for me or I had to go home and get my ID
she came down and wasnt phased in the slightest and said to let us all in
so i was through the doors
the venue was a function room above the casino floor
not a swanky place as one may think
but certainly loud
jesus was it loud, im not used to that noise level and i work in schools
adams dad got us a table, near a speaker i might add
i couldnt hear a damn thing anyone said
and i was expected to make conversation with relatives i had no idea who they were, i was introduced but theres tonnes! and i cant remember everyone or bothered really
found out that a relative of adams mum's who is 20 wasnt ID''d at the door -___-
adams dad was in hysterics
i spoke to some people and my personality soon came strongly across them
i thought "dont give a crap i'll never meet them again"
no one took me the wrong way and i made plenty laugh
there was one relative who was like 40 something
absolutely amazing woman she was crazy like child like crazy and on my level
its RARE i find a kindred spirit, we childlike spirits are far and few between
so i danced with her but she took a liking to me and wouldnt leave me
it was like a play date but it was nice to have fun with people
so i met with the aunt who's birthday it was she sat and told us
"ive got musical chairs, musical statues, and pass the parcel"
i shouted "really!?" she said "thats the reaction i wanted!"
she said "we never got parties as children so at 50 i wanted a children's party"
i thought 'fair enough and its my level this'
then she said "ive booked a drag queen too"
i couldnt swallow, we're getting a tranny in?
ive never been in the presence of a man dressed as a woman before
so anyway we were dancing and adam and his family went to the buffet
i had 5 biscuits from it as there was nothing there i would eat
so i left it all and went without but i havent really wanted food lately
then the DJ announced the drag queen
and there he/she was on stage
incredibly strange at first
cus theres a bloke with more make up on than ive ever worn at one time
and showing more skin than ive ever done in my life
he was in a long white wavy wig, leopard print dress which was skin tight with a slit all the way to the hips on the front of one leg, cream stiletto heels
he sang 3 songs (not all at once) and was quite open with sexual stuff
not my kinda thing but live and let live
he kinda did all the games
the games
we had musical statues first me and adams mum got up and played
there was about 20 of us and adam's mum won!
then it pass the parcel and i stood next to adams mum and the music went off and i passed it to her as we were in mid-pass so i let her have it.
glad i did...
kinky handcuffs fell out...
we were both laughing
adam and his dad were killing themselves
the music went on and in the end i got the ending prize, bottle of vodka! which ive put on my brother's desk for when he comes home
then musical chairs
after about 4 or 5 chairs were removed i removed myself from the game
as children you weigh less and arent as heavy and strong
as adults, fully grown, over weight and drinking, its crippling
i didnt want to break anything as it was getting to phyical
and i hated being next to so many drunk people
then we stayed a little longer til we decided to come away
we got back to adams house at 11:30pm
i was wired
no way was i about to sleep
but if i had my total wish it was going home, showering, my own bed
but instead i had to not shower, stay at adams
so i got ready for bed and crawled up in to a ball
after adam had finished with his phone messing he came to me
but he stunk of that casino, he was sweaty and dirty and didnt want him near me
i pushed him away and stuff and i think he got the hint
i sat there dwelling on a 100 thoughts and he fell to sleep
i grabbed my pillow and grabbed a blanket and went to sleep downstairs
on the sofa, alone. not with my boyfriend
i couldnt sleep there, no room and my thoughts were annoying me
it was gone 2am by time i had fallen asleep and id been awake since 5am
i woke up at 6:30am this morning
safe to say i was shattered
i waited til 7:30am til adams dad came downstairs then i went upstairs and started to get dressed whilst adam was asleep
i came down and drank the brew his dad had made me
then i went up to adam he was half awake and i told him i was going home for breakfast and a shower he said i could have it all here but i needed to go home nothing would have been right for me
he went to cuddle me and i bared it for a lil while but in the end i got up and left cus i didnt like the feel of any of it or the smell
i have to embarrassingly admit ive had another 'issue' going off for the last week
im being tuned into germs, smells, dirt
i suppose its all on the same obsessive spectrum as weight and stuff cus me and food has been bad as well, but im struggling with germs
im showering a lot, washing my hands, the way my skin feels, what my skin touches, what my hands have to touch, what i smell like, other bad smells not wanting to be near them.
seems crazy but struggling
and i told adam about it today as i kept pushing him away as i didnt like the feel of his face on mine, the way his smell would make me smell of him (something i used to like) cus it all looked to him like i didnt want him and that i was pushing HIM away and not the other things that were actually bothering me, i feel so messed up.
i came home and showered straight away and sorted my stuff out and had breakfast, left over cake and sat talking to my mum about everything id been through
then i laid on her bed with bad stomach ache and exhaustion
i went back to adams for 12 as he wanted to take me out for lunch, i didnt want to do this but knew i have to give in to his wants sometimes
we walked up to a cafe and had to wait over 30mins for food when they werent that busy
i ordered pizza cus i didnt want anything and adam said he'd help eat anything i couldnt eat
food came and i ate 2 slices and didnt want anymore or shall i say
i would have eaten the whole damn thing it was that freaking good
by anorexic thoughts told me to stop eating and adam asked me to eat another slice
but i found it a real hard ask as my brain was saying not to
i did tho i did eat it
and only me had to deal with the ear ache my brain provides
we left for home
we talked about stuff on his bed
i told him about germs, dirt and food
and i told him i feel worried about the day he loses patience with me as i keep pushing him away and one day he will get mad at me and ill be scared. he told me that he wont lose patience with me that he loves me too much for that to happen and if he ever happens to get mad that he'll talk it out instead of getting horrible about it all.
he said to me about my weight that im fine and gorgeous and that i expect a lot of myself.
he said try to look at smaller things in your day what youve achieved not going for massive things and trying to be the best all the time.
something in my head just snapped
that was the same crap that the M.E. clinic fed me when i was 18 and i had to attend those horrid sessions to learn to cope with my condition.
"its about pacing, doing things in small chunks not trying to go at 100mph"
i felt sick, everything from that time period came flooding back
i started to cry
thoughts came to me like
"where have i been all these years?"
"how did i get through that?"
"why was i put through it all?"
"why did i become sick?"
all i wanted was mum because mum understood it all
i just wanted to cry to mum
but instead i was with adam who wasnt around during that period
he asked what was up
but i couldnt bare to say as i knew id be a blubbering mess
as it all felt so messy in my head and i could deep down somewhere was hurting
after all that passed we went out with him mum to mini golf
out in the open 28c heat no shade
i was sweating but enjoyed it
and had a drink afterwards then we went home
i sat at his for a lil while then went home
and since havent done much but caught up online and showered
again
tomorrow im going to dance in the morning
then ether make pumpkin soup with the pumpkin adams dad gave me today or if we dont have ingredients i shall do some more job patrolling
dancing i might record one or atleast improve a couple
