Evening
We played pokemon together in bed for a whole hour last night it was healing I enjoyed my time with Jack, being warm cuddled up and playing pokemon together. Sad thing is that my tens machine isnt working very well so I need a new one T^T it is old but I HATE spending money on my health >.>
I didnt sleep that well, I had nightmares and was dripping with sweat in the night and when I woke up this morning. I also felt dizzy this morning, I would have LOVED a shower but no time for that
soon realised why I was the way I was - I had forgotten AGAIN to take my antidepressant
FOR GODS SAKE JO ITS NOT HARD!!!! I have forgotten to take meds so many times this year its untrue. Im on my 11th year now of taking meds, youd think Id be good at it! But I guess when you take 17 tablets a day its easy to miss one, if I took 2 tablets a day youd notice easily if one was missing
I got to school
cant tell you how many times I cried today, seriously lost count.
I just wasnt good. I knew I wasnt
then I had a txt from lynn saying "just letting you know that Den passed away on tuesday"
no bloody way
my heart sank. it didnt feel real
I was ok, for all of 5 mins
Jack came in and asked if I was ok, and I told him and just broke down in tears and then had a big crying sobbing fit about how unfair my life was. That I hated my illness, being in constant pain, not sleeping, having to endure work like this, that my weekends go to recovery, for what? Ill be dead soon as well!
Poor Jack
he has had his hands full this week with me
I cried all morning but stayed at school as I wanted to go to my biology lesson, I didnt want to miss it
I composed myself for my lesson but I knew my face was red, blotchy and swollen. I still went. We had a 5min video and only when it ended did I realise I hadnt been listening to a word of it. Luke then got the text books out and we had a fair amount of textbook work to do which meant reading. Reading small black txt on a white page whilst tired, not in the right frame of mind, with a classroom of chatty teenagers. I picked my stuff up and left the room to have a cry in office
I was annoyed at myself for having another obstacle in my life - my dyslexia. It felt like just another kick in the teeth, something for me to struggle with. So I have since photocopied the page onto green and I will do the work in my own time
chris saw me out side the prep room and said I looked like I needed a hug - hes never hugged me - and I said "no ill cry" he hugged me and I cried! he took me into the prep room and we talked about stuff and the teacher came for her textbook id borrowed for luke's lesson and I told chris I didnt have my own textbook and that I had a dyslexic meltdown, he says he might be able to help me. If he cant he says school can buy me my own textbook
we had lunch but I didnt feel like it to be honest
Chris found me again after lunch, I was just silently crying to myself (like I said I was BAD today) he was like "yeah youre really not good today"
I got my lessons prepped and a few bits done, I felt so sad and defeated. I knew I looked bloody terrible and peoples shocked expressions when I looked at them, but none of science had the guts to ask if I was ok XD im glad as id only reply with "im fine" anyway.
We came home and Jack did me fruit loaf and tea but I didnt really want it. Food has been giving me tummy ache.
we went for a walk and I called by to give mummy a hug. I didnt take off my shoes or jacket I was just in the hall for a few minutes talking to her and she gave me a cuddle and told jack he does well as its not easy.
we came home and did dinner then sat, Oz has got tummy ache again so we had to clean him before our walk I think we need to clean him again. Not sure whats upset him tho as were not giving him treats its really strange.
I plan on having a bath, early night with pokemon again
I said to mum and Jack that if I dont sleep tonight that I am not going school tomorrow as there will be nothing left of me. I am depleted of all life. I feel so defeated on everything. I have burned out.
I cant pity myself. Its lynn who is suffering, shes lost her husband. Someone who I got to know through her, he was always so generous to me and would have given me anything. He loved lynn as well, even when they had fall outs I could always see how much they loved one another. he was such a character, and I know he is going to missed by a lot of people. Lynn says she feels lonely and empty. I can not imagine her pain. I would want to die if I didnt have Jack. I hope I can see her soon
