Evening~
I managed another run last night but only for 20 mins i wasnt feeling it
then I watched House with Oz in the evening and went to bed
I didn't sleep too badly
well if you dont count waking up regularly to blow my nose
sick of hay fever i really am sick of it
I got up for school
The school, the staff were lovely great staff
the kids ehhh I guess Ive known worse
we did P.E. and music!!! Oh my god subjects I never see!!
No english or maths to be seen!!
I was dismissed at 11:45am so an easy morning really
I came home and mum had prepared left over pasta for us both
it was good
then I waited and waited around for her to come shops with me
I was trying not to get annoyed
we only went TK MAXX but I picked up a fair bit, worth going
pair of pants reduced to £1
fluffy and I mean very fluffy boots (i know wrong time of year!) reduced from £50 to £10!!
pair of sandals for my abroad trip reduced to £12
a 'bikini' £16
I did not go in for holiday stuff, I went to kill time and to see if they had any korean beauty products in how they sometimes do. But mum said to try on a bikini to see if it would release some anxiety and i thought it was good idea. She picked one out I liked, tried on and brought!
The only one I tried on and I brought!
I wouldnt call it a bikini tho, more like a 2 piece swim suit
it has shorts for the bottom covered by a skirt so its a skirt with shorts underneath
no chance of me flashing anyone when bending over!
the top is literally a top and NOT a bra, its a halter neck so its secure and wont be falling down and my none-existent chest cant keep it up XD so i feel secure and dont feel on show or that im gonna be adjusting myself constantly ether and its just plain navy blue so I dont attract attention to myself!
i think I will be fine in that.
the sandals were a good find, i do need some and my 'plan' was to have a pair of shoes I can run in, can get wet and dry quickly, I can wear all day long. I do not plan on taking pairs and pairs of shoes. I wanted what I called an 'omni-pair' XD
theyre white and black and will go with anything and fit my specification
so I spent today's pay and i was worrying about money but i was telling myself "you have until now and October to earn money for all thats needed for this trip stop worrying!!"
Im not telling adam I have brought anything
dont wanna look keen or want him wanting to see them
we came back
and I literally got changed and went out for this look round a school
I will be honest this is what happened
I got the name of the school correct
did I go to the correct school?
no
no i did not
i am getting close to a mental break down i can feel it
im crumbling and today another chunk fell
i parked up, i walked to what i thought was the school i was going to
go to reception and on the window it said "welcome to ....Primary school.."
my heart sank.
id gone to the wrong school
how had i managed such a thing?
i didnt have the number of the school to phone
and what would I say "oh sorry gotta cancel ive gone to a random school"
i didnt feel an idiot as i didnt make an idiot of myself
i wasnt disappointed that id probably screwed up that chance of getting in that school
i was more concerned about my mental health
yes hay fever is making me tired but i cant blame it on awful hay fever
i am genuinely losing my mind
i never screw up things like that
i had messed up and it worried me
i got home and i tried to dance to tune off from the crap afternoon
but i only managed 15mins due to my head telling me how crap i was at dancing and what the point of it all was
i went for a shower
mum came home and she asked how it went, course she would
i told her what happened. i could have lied and said "fine" but i dont lie
she was asking questions and i turned to her and said "i dont want to talk about it anymore"
that isnt like me
but inside deep deep inside i felt a part of myself was hurt, scared and maybe upset with myself
but it was so distant i could feel the pain of it, my eyes watered but that was it
usually id be in tears with worry and fear for whats going off in this head of mine
but something kinda numbed it, i didnt even 'feel' upset when my eyes watered
it was like something inside my wanted to express my emotion my frustration and fear
but it was squashed
I didn't want to do anything I just had had enough
I drifted in and out of sleep for 45mins on the sofa
to give myself a break
had dinner but didnt want dinner but ate it like a robot anyway
after dinner i sat watching dances on my ipod until i motivated myself enough (god knows how) to have a go learning another dance one ive been dying to learn but i know its difficult but i set myself a challenge of it anyway and then i decided to do my diary which I almost didnt do today
tomorrow got nothing on apart from a meal in the evening
with adam's family as its his mum's birthday on friday
just going somewhere local so no city trip needed thank god
but hay fever is due to be very high next 3 days
what joy
think i will paint tomorrow i havent done any last 2 days
