Evening
ahhhh I am so dead right now. I know I have exercise to do yet too -____-
Last night there was tears. Not many, but tears nonetheless. Just sat in bed contemplating the reason of my existence, when was the last time I was actually happy? what would make me happy? why do I keep going? whats the point in it all? humans are terrible creatures. Each day I have hear about people being unkind, murders, screwing people over, suffering. Just everything in life feels crap at the moment.
So I cried a bit, and was up til 11:30pm with Jack - which is late for me
I had nightmares and woke up many times. So yeah I wasnt feeling it this morning. I didnt want to go work but I also didnt want to work from home. To be honest I couldnt tell you what it is I do actually want to do. What would have made me happy in that moment and what would make me happy now
school was a slog. It felt a real effort to wear my daily mask. I somehow got on with it but if I could avoid people or conversations - I did. By literally walking away.
I left work and I had told mum that I was no company today and just wanted to eat and go to bed.
I got home and had lunch with my loaf, then he went on his plush pad for his afternoon sleep - his routine since I became part time XD I went to bed myself but not even for an hour as I was aching a lot. I got up and saw to Oz. But bless him hes just so warm. I was looking at him slightly panting and all he was doing was laying down. hes wearing his winter coat in 23c humidity. He cant breathe.
so at 3pm today I shaved my bunny >< i scooped him up and put him on some kitchen towel on the kitchen side and I began to use him clippers on him. I went at his backside as thats where he is shedding - just not fast enough, then I blended it into his waist as I didnt want to shave him all! His fur is so dense!!! now I have clipped him you have a real appreciation of how insulating rabbit fur is. Insane. He must have been suffocating. All I wanted to do was help him. I have NEVER clipped an animal before. But Oz he just sat there and let me do it almost like it was a relief for him and he knew I was trying to help. I popped him outside when I had finished and I was expecting him to flick his feet at me in disgust and to run a mile. But no. He was doing zoomies and binkys it was very cute. He looked happy if I am honest. Much to my surprise! But its weird seeing him right now as his back is white as its his under fur thats visible. I need to take a photo
I feel like I have managed to help him and provided him with a bit of comfort and relief. Good to know I can clip if I need to. I just didnt want to go crazy straight away
I was in the kitchen for 2 hours. doing tonights dinner and tomorrow's stew. Yeah it took me a while. I was trying to save Jack doing stuff but also because I am not at sitting and relaxing. Things I do feel pointless and meaningless. So doing the food made me feel productive and useful.
However when Jack came home I got a bit of a telling off (in a loving non-shouting way) he says theres no point in me being part time if I am just gonna be doing stuff all the time and working myself to death in the kitchen. its true but I am struggling. I am not good and chilling out and being kind to myself. I hate myself a lot lately.
after dinner I laid curled on my bed with Hammington. I just couldnt be bothered with anything. I was too tired for exercise. Having a bath felt like a real effort too.
Tomorrow
school and maybe seeing mummy if she wants to see me. I hope Oz manages to sleep with less of a coat on. We could tell the rat had been back so I had to block its walk way even further as it had dug the stones away I put there yesterday! jesus
