Konbanwa~~
I couldnt sleep last night. I even laid in bed playing pokemon whilst hooked up to my tens machine. I was up and out of bed twice taking more and more pain killers. I tried to wake jack he cuddles my arm and made a noise but I took that as he didnt want to get up (turns out he had done all this in sleep and didnt remember any of this) I stayed up til 2am wanting nothing more than to sleep and not wake up for a long long time.
Morning came round and I almost fell back to sleep from turning my alarm off. All my body needed was rest and sleep but no i had to get ready for school
I felt so anxious about school but I think it was just because of how shattered I was. I was on 4 hours sleep and havent been sleeping properly in general.
I was shaking round the prep room, brought vile up twice, was panting and had to use my inhaler. I just wasnt good. I focused on my practicals and got 2/3 done. I did tomorrows sheet and prepped my lessons. I told Jack I wasnt good I mean he knew but i was in tears by this point. He asked me what I was finding difficult and I said "everything, I want to be away when the practicals come round as I cant handle it. I am so tired" he told me he would sort it all out and that I could just do computer work today.
I started doing the computer work but just felt like breaking down crying. I looked at the time. It was only 9:30am.....only that much time had passed and I felt this crap. I cried and told Jack I am going home. He said I could work from home or just sleep.
I got home and went straight to bed. But just getting home I felt relief. I am unsure how I even got home as even walking to my car my legs were so shaky.
I was in bed for 2 hours and then mum came to have lunch with me and we ate with Oz too which was nice. She stayed for an hour and I went to bed for a further 3 hours!! jesus! how have I managed to sleep so much today!? so by time I woke up it was 4pm and jack was on his way home so I havent really been left alone today as I have just been asleep for it all.
Jack came in and he cuddled me and such, I told him that I havent actually worked today I have been asleep for 5 hours. He said it was fine and I must have needed it. I can make the hours up when I feel up to it. I said I would do it over the weekend as i know what I want to do from home.
Turns out he had been upset at work....my jack...upset and i wasnt there for him
He was upset at how much I am struggling, doesnt know how to make things better for me and got talked to rudely by head of biology - who always treats me like utter dog crap. But she had the nerve to treat Jack like it today and I think he just cracked a bit and ended up talking to science teacher about it all he gets along with. Hes having a meeting with head of science tomorrow...
he came in and ate a doughnut and had a whisky and has since had a cider....he says he feels better for having a drink, being home, seeing me and Oz. I am glad he is feeling better. I was upset as I thought I had stressed him out but he said he wasnt upset with me he is just annoyed with certain things and members at school.....i hope he doesnt let loose too much tomorrow
so he did me fruit loaf and tea and then I did dinner which luckily was easy
now hes chilling out on pokemon. I might do a bit of yoga but in all honesty I dont have a lot of energy so I am not gonna over do it.
I plan on taking medicated sleeping tablets tonight for some actual sleep and fingers crossed it works.
tomorrow is school. I am gonna go and I hope I can do the day
