I had a bad evening
I was low a lot yesterday
after my shower in the evening
i just felt so crap about life and asked myself the question
"why do i keep going?"
im not 100% sure if im honest
i had thoughts about how dull life is, where is life heading, what do i want from life
and the one that scares me
would i feel better if i self harmed or just killed myself?
hurting myself isnt something i want to do or have done
but that thought does keep cropping up
i think its cus i get in such a low state i dont know what to do
id almost try anyway
mum found me crying on my bed at 9:30pm
she listened
i didnt want to tell her if im honest
she deals with enough as it is
but she listened
and said the words "life if what you make of it, if you need to be in a different country or do something totally different with your life then thats fine you do it"
'life is what you make of it' huh
its true
but it boils down to that trouble i have
that everything falls on MY shoulders
everything is up to ME
no one can help or be with me
its always down to ME and me ALONE
alone, loneliness..
i told mum im lonely. a lot...
i spend a lot of time alone, my own company, with my thoughts and illnesses
i have no one who truly gets it and can help steer me
my friends are all shacked up with their other halves
they have all moved out and happy spending their time at work then evening and weekends with their partners and i get it i do, life is different from when youre a kid and you go see friends whenever and friends have less responsibilities as they dont have a house to run
i do understand
doesnt mean i have to like it
im alone in the evenings, why do i at 26 sit alone in the evenings?
arent other 26 year olds out and about? or with company?
so confused with life
i dont know what i want anymore im not sure what the right direction is
and until i have that figured out i have no direction to go into
i dont like not having a direction, a goal
i got Oz out and sat with him
then i went to bed practically crying myself to sleep
i woke up at 8am
not doing park run...real kick in the teeth
i cleaned my pets out then i danced
i do feel my dancing is slowly getting there
also my joints feel better, not perfect, but are healing
as the start of the week i struggled doing some dance moves but they felt better today
i showered then got my quilt out
basically spent quilt a few hours working on my quilt today
had another dance session in between time to stretch out
then i finished my quilt, done and dusted
so nearly 100 hours since i started here it is~~~~
its so quirky i love it!
its taken the spot my anime quilt had
the change of scenery is refreshing
im pleased with it and keep looking at it XD
i was sure to have a brew when i finished!
i got in my car and drove down to the river and walked along
side the river for half hour
didnt listen to music listened to nature
i just needed to get out the house
remind myself i am in fact alive
i came home and did myself a facial
toner
foam wash
face scrub for 15 mins
self heating face pack for 15 mins
showered~
then made myself dinner as my family
is having take away pizza and i really dont want that
dont want the food or the anorexic thoughts that come with eating the pizza
cant cope with thoughts lately
not wanted food past two days ether
sat and read manga on my bed
i read pandora hearts volume 20
4 more to go!!! 4 more til i find out how this amazing story ends!!
anime has nothing on the manga as usual
might run through my hiragana and katakana tonight
and sit with my Ozwald
mum didnt do park run today
she was entered into a race with her friends that didnt start til 5pm
she managed it :) 5 miles shes done well
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
guess it depends how i am
got a workshop karen is doing at 4pm
