Evening
I couldn't sleep
I was in so much pain and discomfort
its my fibromylgia it was in total full force
seems when the voice is cut off my old illnesses surface
and i could understand, from last night, just why i was on so much pain relief
no wonder i took tramadol like smarties
of course i wasnt prepared to go at the tramadol but did try 3 different types
of pain relief
i fell asleep a bit after 11pm
woke up 12:30am from a nightmare
which didnt seem fair as i hadnt been asleep long!!!!
i got up this morning for another run which i found easy this morning
mum did her run also
i got ready for my interview
i arrived no issues and got straight into mingling with the children
until i was asked if i had any questions
and through one thing or another i discovered that
the job wasnt for me, the hours meant i would literally be giving up
my teaching assistant job, the job i trained in, the job that pays more
they wanted me but i couldnt give it all up for a breakfast and after school club
as they had seemed to have filled their holiday work up with current staff
so that was that
i came home
had a brew to revive me as i was a lil drained
tired and achy
i was glad i went tho as i really wasnt feeling it this morning
really wasnt in the mood to look happy for others
i started packing stuff for my one night stay in manchester tomorrow with mia
didnt take long as i dont need much for a one night's stay
then it was lunch time really
and i talked with mum about the job she says i did the right thing not doing it
i talked to her about my medication
im giving it up
im stopping it
as of tomorrow
its not worth all it brings and its causing me to have fibromylgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome again (what i believe anyway) and i cant go through that again
i said to her "i believe my mental health is more fixable than my pain and tiredness illnesses as i had them years and no one could provide any help, whereas theres a lot of help out there for mental health. so im gonna come off my tablets (that im convinced have made me put weight on and it said they can do that) and become mental again just so im not in pain and tired constantly"
she said it was my decision and she could see my logic in that
its been nice past few days being myself but the almost loneliness of it all has been a little strange and i wish i didnt have any of the illnesses but im taking what i believe to be the lesser of two evils here. im trying my best
last night i wanted to invite the voice back in if it meant id be out of pain
adam turned up i made us pasta for lunch its been decades since he stayed for a meal at my house, i was ok i was still more relaxed than i was before
postman came and my new joggers id brought to run in came
far. too. thick.
for summer anyway id sweat to death.
so im still in need of joggers with zip pockets /:
i decided that id go buy some adverage thin joggers with no pockets in which are in abundance in shops and I'D sew my OWN pockets on damn it
so i took adam down to TK MAXX and i brought a pair of joggers i will shove under my sewing machine in due time dont you worry
then we went to his house
we had a brew and i was aching in his sofas as well as my own sofas
he said we'd go on his bed
i kept pushing him away as who the hell wants anyone near them in 35c heat/humidity
stupidly humid today to the point where its like death
i hate it
i came home and dived in the shower
keep showering twice a day
i sat and read as i now have only 20 pages left of my book!!
my new book came today actually ready for when ive done this one!
ive only been on my laptop past two days for like a total of an hour
its too damn hot for this crap
tomorrow
im up at the crack of dawn getting ready for my trip to manchester
my brother is taking me and mia to the train station
we're picking her up at 8am and train leaves at 8:47am
then we'll be in manchester! we will go shopping then saturday is the convention
should be a good weekend
ive told mum im taking some of my medication with me incase i feel i need it but i probably wont be taking it anyway but its there if need be
its making feel like crap and fat
did i tell you how fat i was? how much weight i need to lose?
sick of people telling me im not fat
I AM
deal with it
i can feel it and see it
its going
im getting rid of it when this medication goes down the drain
dont want antidepressants ether
i want to work through my mentalness
might tell mia about it
might tell adams parents
all people i dont want treating me differently
be back saturday 6pm~
