Evening
i was learning final call by one pixcel last night for 50mins
but dont feel i can remember much of it XD
didnt have dinner again
3 days in a row without eating 3 meals
didnt sleep well...
nightmares about my other half
its been going on for weeks now, pent up thoughts and nightmares
its like having a wolf at the door
and i hate it
so i was quite tired this morning
it was cold this morning
cold and frosty and a fog came thick and fast
making the day dawn at like 9am instead of 8:10am
it is depressing how i start work at 8am
so the sun hasnt even risen by time i start work....
anyway work was busy
just running here there and everywhere
so much for my quiet day :/
i got the rats out of the freezer...i tried not to stare but the mind is a morbid thing
well mine is anyway
i covered them up so julia wouldnt be looking at them all day
i had to teach the head of science a biology lesson as he hasnt done before
i was only taught on friday how to do it XD
but yeah that was fine but was more running around
had to supervise year 13 for 20mins as their teacher had to leave cus of her sick child
so she asked me if i would let her class in, tell them what to do and let them leave
i was fine with it, jack never gets involved with classes but i like being in them
and ive had lots of nice comments off staff and students about my hair
my hair i still havent photographed...
its cus im at work during day light hours and i forget
i finished updating one technician guide. my first one done. theres like 30....
but felt good to get one done and ive condensed it down so much
so its a lot lighter to pick up and handle
i had science club and it was simple but nice
and i think i have more i can put up on the display board which will be good
but that was tiring in its self
jack looked tired this morning
i tried helping him with this physics practical but i did it wrong (course i did)
and he corrected it
i said "forget it"
he said "i did wrong my first time too, dont take everything as a criticism"
i dont, well i dont think i do
but when it comes to science he has to have his say, his touch on it
cant just take my word for it or just let me do it
like a control thing and sometimes it really annoys me
i tell him "undermining me again" or "telling me to suck eggs again jack"
yeah sometimes i have no patience for him
i left him to it
made him a coffee to try and put him in a better mood
i told him how his place was an utter tip and he'd made no effort for me
he said it was theo's stuff and i said "no your room was a tip too"
he said "my room is tiny and has everything i own in it"
i said "even my brother tidies his room and makes his bed before his girlfriend comes over"
he said "yeah ok ill make more effort"
he wondered if i was coming over tonight
but i made out id forgotten
so got off the hook with that one
he said his mum had txted to see if he and me wanted to go out to lunch or have lunch on saturday, i said id try to as i havent seen his family since september or october
but i shall see
he's got a night out on saturday night so at least id be able to come away and not have the spend the night over there. i shall see
speaking of nights out
tomorrow is the science christmas due and also secret santa during lunch
i came home crying today
i was so tired, achy, and stomach hurt
i was upset cus i was tired but also because i know i cant make tomorrow night
its bowling and a meal
and id told jack i wasnt going to the meal afterwards as its too much for me
but i dont think i can even do the bowling...
its on the other end of town so like a half hour drive at least
and ive got to bowl, drive home, eat, get ready for school
im gonna be shattered
i dont think i can do it
ive paid £8 to go
so im wasting more money and missing out AGAIN
but what can i do. my health sucks and ive missed out on so much over the last 9 years
this is just something else and i should be used to it
i'll tell jack tomorrow im not going
i ate dinner and it felt like i had drank a car battery
then once food had landed my stomach felt like i had been kicked
i laid in a ball on my bed
my usual night time routine as of late
dont want dinner
im done with food
the last 3 nights have been better as i didnt eat dinner but tonight was a killer
so when everyone went out i thrashed myself
i hated myself, my body, my life
so i danced HARD for 30 straight minutes
did all the fast hard ones, i was dripping, panting and brought up sick twice in my mouth
but it felt good to be the one in control
i'll be the one to cause the pain, fatigue, and sickness
i was shaky afterwards but thats what it gets
tomorrow is school
got busy day of practicals
and rats....
and missing out having fun with the whole department...
