evening
i didnt sleep well
was in pain and dreaming of being in pain
but that is night one done of less pain killers
i woke up for work at 5:30am
couldnt wait to get up so i got a bit earlier
Oz still greeted me with licks
school was busy to say the least
thought it was gonna be quieter today
i got praised by head of science for the displays
and even art - that faces science in the corridors - has started doing it's displays
saying "we cant be out done by science"
but mine are loads better XD
i got a txt from mum at lunch saying millie really wasnt well...
i felt sick
i knew the conversation we'd be having when i got home...
jack was a bit stressy today
i tried not to let it bother me but sometimes i had to point out to him
that i wasnt stupid
sometimes the things he says or points out i have say "yeah i know" or "im not an idiot"
but i find he talks to me like that when hes stressed
he said he'd missed me over the weekend
but i couldnt bring myself to tell him id missed him
as it would have been a lie
i told him i missed his snorlax plush to cuddle
at the end of the day he walked out with me and i said
"i need something to look forward to, we need to book to go somewhere during october half term" as we didnt actually go anywhere during summer
he just replied "yeah...i need to book that night out with friends in manchester"
so he skipped straight from us going somewhere, to a night out with his friends cus his mum brought him a games room voucher for his birthday that needs using by november
i guess it hurt a bit i walked off to my car
i got home and my mum told me whats what with millikins
shes bleeding worse, she weighs next to nothing, her eyes are sunken in and she just looks sick and boney
so we came to conclusion that we've tried for her. and at tomorrow's appointment at 4:45pm we will have her put to sleep. its kindest thing to do. shes not happy
i sat with her, i laid down with her and she gave me her usual guinea kisses - something shes done from day 1. even after how crap she must be feeling she still gives affection as thats just the lovely soul millie is. im gutted. i know you shouldnt have favourites but millie has been my favourite piggie by far.
i told jack and he says i can leave work early so i can go with mum to the vets
as i want to be there for both mum and millie
i just cant believe i have that to go through tomorrow
im not gonna want to come home after work
i depressed myself further by googling something the doctor suggested to me
basically hip braces
i googled it
and after staring at it for a few minutes
i left for my room and cried
theyre ugly, and everyone wearing them in the photos were old and retired
how does that make me feel at 27? having to maybe wear something that old people wear because my body is deteriorating quicker than i thought it would
i dont want to wear them, certainly not yet
it makes me wonder why i continue to fight
why do i go on, why fight it, when im getting worse no matter what i do for myself?
will i have a shorter life span than my friends? will i even want to be alive come 40?
i just feel im dying, faster than everyone around me. everyone around me does nothing for their bodies, no one exercises religiously or takes medication. each day is so easy on them compared to me. i have to fight everyday
everyday for nine years
and where is it getting me?
bloody hip braces and a life of pain
i just want to take a load of pain relief
not to die
but so im numb
i dont want to feel
when will i lose the will to fight?
as you can probably tell
not in the best of mind frames right now
i think ive been blanking how ive really been feeling and its all just piled down on me
i'll be alright
i dont want tomorrow's vet appt to come tho
poor minnie
molly will be alone as well...
