Evening
Got woke up at 7am by a crow on the roof outside my window...
on my day off too...
life is cruel
i got up anyway
had breakfast and stuff and had a brew with mum
then did some dancing which i found difficult but felt good to do
had a much needed shower
then i went to pet shop
got Oz two bags of food
4 bags of treats
and a bag of guinea food
then me and mum went to Currys and finally finally brought a new tablet
as ours is dying and is about 7 years old
so we got an Acer which was on offer and the same brand as my laptop
and my laptop is pushing 10 years so i know its a good make
also it came in rose gold!
im yet to have a go on it
but its bigger than the old one and better resolution so dances will look amazing!
i came back
went to sleep for 2 hours
got up for some food
got a txt from Jack "you were right, i didnt see the morning."
that was at 2:40pm
he said "i gotta go food shopping and tidy up but then you can come over"
i said "so its almost 3pm and you havent done anything yet?"
he said "no but it wont take me long"
went back to bed
got up and went for a walk which was quite nice
and bumped into my hairdresser
at 6pm jack said "you can come over in half hour"
i said "im staying home tonight but you guys have fun"
i was tired and not in the right frame of mind and couldnt be doing with going out and being nice to everyone then dealing with the noise of a bar
but mum said "why dont you go over and see him?"
i said "because if i go and say i dont want to go out, i will stop him from going out"
she said "but maybe he should want to spend that time with you instead of out drinking"
i said "i dont want his friends getting annoyed at him for not going out"
so im best of staying out the way
i went back on my bed and cried
for about 2 hours
just sadness really
fed up
tired
fed up of my illnesses
fed up of mental health issues
fed up of not being able to understand why jack even puts up with someone like me
just want to be as strong as everyone else
i didnt tell jack i was upset i told him i was fine
he said "do you want to come out for brunch with us tomorrow?"
i said "yeah i will try"
but hes already told me the other day that sunday he wants to play games all afternoon
which is fair enough, its his weekend
but if hes hungover he isnt gonna see the morning and if i make the effort and come out for food i wont be with him for long before he wants to play games
so all in all i cant see the point in going out tomorrow
ill just see him monday at work
i took a lot of painkillers
double my usual intake like last night
as it numbed everything brilliantly
a small dark part of myself wanted to take more
so i fall asleep and not feel anything for a long while
but i know thats stupid and dangerous so im not
but thats where my mentally has been today
down and low and wanting to be numb to the world
hopefully tomorrow will be better
