Well I was up til 4am with hay fever
kid you not. I was about ready to rip out my eyes and burn my nose off with acid
i was fed up big style. But it was aggravated by the rain so I know why i had such an attack
I got up twice in the night because I didnt want to wake everyone up with
sneezing and blowing my nose
Before I went to bed I was listening to my ipod, i was on youtube
something popped up I couldnt get rid of (crap at technology) so I went to my brother
for help. He soon realised Id been using Safari to watch stuff on youtube
it literally burned him
his face, i found hilarious, i said "you look like ive just stamped on your kitten!"
he downloaded the youtube app for me, i was gonna do at some point
honestly i was XD
This morning I woke up at 9am
I felt like crap as I was with hay fever still
I had missed a call from the agency i dont like and i couldnt be arsed to ring em back
rude gits
My morning consisted of me looking like death
doing a lil dancing, having a shower and then taking a turn for the worst
something switched in my head
my head became rammed full of thoughts none of which were good
i was only looking at nail art ideas and this all happened
i had
what am i doing with myself
why do i suffer with everything
whats the point in doing nails mine will be crap anyway
why do i keep going
I want to cry, should I cry, is crying weak
should i just die now would it be easier on everyone
i dont want to see anyone
i will hurt others
i will enjoy hurting others
i want to fight
i want to cause pain
like some psychotic monster, thats how it feels
mum came back at 11am and i was just able to tell her all this without getting upset
but i could feel my throat closing up.
I told her I was suppose to be seeing adam but its best not, and that i feel i could just have it out with someone. Its like having a wolf on a leash like my drawing and the leash was only just holding and i was running out of strength to hold on.
its, well, its scary.
its just cus im not right in the head right now
none of this is me. and it can make me appreciate just how serious mental health is really.
mum told me to go out for a walk even with my hay fever
and i did and i did feel a lil better for it
i went to polish my room and clean things too
and my mood was lifting
i had hours previously told adam to leave me be today but i text him back saying that by time hes finished work that i should be ok
I had another agency ring me
"jo youve got work in F1"
i was so tempted to be flippant "oh have I"
i just didnt like his attitude and told him id got an appt tomorrow so i couldnt
he came over mid afternoon
i made him tea and we went up to his house were we walked to the shops
we had a look round but i didnt get anything
we came back to his he made me a tea, we talked to his dad
then we were on his bed for the last half hour
he was always trying to give me attention but i didnt give any back
im a hard ass XD
i left him and came home for yoga
yoga was really good and a full class which made the room hot
but it was a good session
i came home to find a text on my phone, lynn, shes got breast cancer
my heart sunk. i couldnt believe what i was reading. she said she wasnt speaking to anyone just simply telling people. i respected that. people cope differently. but i told her id support her all the way. bless her.
my brother found out how i access my Wifi on my ipod and he said "its painful how s*** you are" i was laughing as i know its true and having it said is funny
he asked "have you even been on the app store on your phone yet?"
nooo.....
he made me do that and ive downloaded a couple of photo apps to have ago with.
im not into 'selfies' i hardly take photos of myself
im looking forward to tomorrow
well apart from seeing the psychologist in the morning, i wanna get that outta the way
then i can go derby with mummy
we've never been to derby together just the two of us before
should be nice
ive brought her a couple of eyebrow products lately to play with is as she keeps having to have them dyed theyve gone incredibly light but her mother's were the same. mine grow naturally black i take after dad and the fact i was born with black hair. so i brought her Heavy Rotation and shes getting into it, ive brought her other korean/japanese products and im hoping to turn her to my side XD
i dont mind sharing my makeup
i was telling adam i am tempted to go city centre tomorrow by myself
dress in full cosplay and just walk round X3
