Evening~
I hardly slept
I was up til 1am thinking about my interview
worrying about it and what to do about it
I woke up a lot from that by fighting with my bed sheets
I woke up at 9am
I didn't know what I wanted to do today
I knew I had to go out and get a few supplies for my interview
and i told mum my running shoes were rubbing (theyre like 5/6 years old)
so we went out to morrisons and tk maxx
i got my interview stuff and new shoes
we came back and I started sewing the final pieces of my jacket together
im pleased to say its finished
didnt take too long and I sat in front of Hanayamata anime whilst doing it
adam had texted saying "i can see if you after lunch if you like"
i said "yeah i'll see"
he said "whats to see?"
I said "i have a few jobs to do"
what i wasnt telling him was how crap and low i was feeling
really bad lately
feel such a shell a sad sad shell of my former self
I ended up laying on my bed
crying
and whilst its good in a way to feel some sort of emotion in stead of being numb
being sad has its limits
i was sad, frustrated and confused and lonely
it hurts
mum found me, im sure she always knows when im silently crying to my self
like a 6th sense
she said her and dad were off out but when she found me she listened to my unhappy speech and then said she didnt want to leave me, she offered for me to go with her dad and i said "dad never wants me there with you" she said "he doesnt mind" he does
she went downstairs and i could hear her whispering to dad that i wasnt happy and for me to go with them and i heard dad say "tell her to get her butt outside"
so i ended up with a blotchy face, red eyes, messed hair and tears down my face
going out with them
it was baking hot today
we walked through some woods near adam's house
then called in a cafe for an ice cream
it was nice and i did enjoy my time out rather than home alone
but i was ready to come home
i came back to my room
not being able to bare any more of the day and my mindset and tiredness
i fell asleep on my bed
i woke up to the sound of my phone
adam had texted me
clearly missing me
i worked out that we'd only spent 2 hours together this whole week
which is probably the least time ever since we've been going out
i can tell it hasnt sat right with him
but i feel like i have bigger things to worry and deal with
once again i dont give back the feelings he gives out
i told him i wasnt good today and he said he'd guessed it was
because i wasnt good mentally
i told him it wouldnt have been fair to him on his day off to deal with me like this as i wasnt in the mood or even had the energy to pretend i was ok and talk to him and his family
he said that he would have talked to me out the way but i said i dont feel like talking helps, talking just lets others know whats going off in my messed up mind
when did life become so hard, sad and empty?
its never ending
i know im pushing adam away but it wouldnt have been fair on him dealing with me like this
i didnt want his affection or company ether to be honest
im lonely but its not the company i seem to want
ive got school tomorrow
im kinda dreading it
as much as im grateful for work and i will get the work done
its not what i want
i dont want to see the head teacher in case he talks about my interview
i just dont want any of it
what i do want is to sleep
sleep for a very long time
sleep until i feel the sadness has passed
im tired and i feel like im only gonna cry at this rate
