Evening~~
I had to go to sleep listening to someone who lives at the back
of out house, blasting out 90's music T____T
The utter tat that was banging out their house
no taste
so that sent me to sleep last night
yeesh
I woke up through the night then woke up at 7am and started my day
felt like crap like literally felt how I did 6 months ago when I still
had chronic fatigue and fibromylgia
i ached and i was shattered
felt worried that my illnesses were returning!
but the voice i constantly live with lately was like tiny
i couldnt even hear her/it like she/it was far far away and the voice wouldnt travel
strange but thats how its been all day
maybe my medication is working?
im hoping the reason i feel crap is because i did a lot yesterday and not
because the voice is small
guess we'll see tomorrow if its fluke or if the meds are working
i waited for adam to txt me to announce he was still in the land of the living
we didnt know what to do and were lucky with the cooler morning
he said eventually he was ready to see me
but i wasnt ready, i hadnt bothered getting ready as i had no clue when we were
actually meeting up, besides i was researching fabric X3 more important
so i went to get ready which took me 15mins
came back into my room to find a message on my phone
"gone shops with mum"
great
so i got ready for nothing
i laid on my bed telling myself not to go to sleep
my parents came home so i went to see mum
dad never says hello
spoke to mum about this and that and told her how
quiet everything was in my head today
adam said he was ready to see me so i did go up
but id not eaten lunch
there was nothing in and ive been living of cereal past 2 lunches
but knew id get told off from dad if he saw me eating them
told mum id get something later
went to adams and i just felt so tired
i couldnt be arsed with the day
the day which had soon warmed up to 25c
we played crash and finished the last boss but i wasnt in the mood to play it
he dragged me out for a walk
i did not want to go and was getting annoyed with the heat
it made me talk about everything that had been happening at home lately
and what i talked about with bob the psychologist
we came back and i just died on his bed
literally the rest of the afternoon was spent on his bed
he sometimes cuddled me or went on his phone
i liked the company and its nice i dont feel like i HAVE to be doing something
earlier when i went for a walk i moaned "why do i have to go for a walk?"
he said "you cant sit inside all day you need exercise"
i said "exercise!? i do at least half hour each and every day, do i not get 1 day off!?"
anyone would think ive got weight to lose or something
i came home and took my make up off and went in the shower
needed the smell of him off me
nothing wrong with his smell i just needed to be clean from sweat and smells
the whole day tho i was able to spend it without the voice telling me to hurt adam
i could cuddle and kiss him without any anger
i told him this and he said it was good but hopes it not fluke
yes i tell my boyfriend i have thoughts about hurting him XD
nice and normal
i confessed my sins to mum that i hadnt eaten lunch
i told her it meant coming home after my parents went food shopping and getting something
and dad is home and it means having adam over and eating in front of him
everything which makes me uncomfortable
so i told her id eat double tonight
and my god i ate more than the rest of em! i made up for it i certainly did
looking at fabrics i need for the quilt
looking like ive got to spend around £13 but thats not too bad
im just conscious of spending money whilst not earning
i will show mum the fabrics and see what she thinks then order whatever
been nice not having that voice
everything feels quieter but i still have my worries and anxieties they havent left
see what im like tomorrow
tomorrow not sure as of yet what im doing actually
