I hardly slept
took me til 12 to sleep I had to go downstairs
for some pain relief as i just ached
I woke up at 4am and dosed til 5am then
at 6:30am I couldnt bare it any longer so decided id start my day
i was shattered tho mentally and physically
so i didnt feel great
i sugared up before work
got to school
my first time working an inset day
so weird not having any students there
all the staff were in casual clothes apart from us 4
and thats because we dont want to wreck our causal clothes with chemicals
I spent my morning topping up labs, washing up, cleaning up
had a bit of jack's company but was mainly left to my own devices
so i was a lil lonely and could have been doing with my ipod
something which alan had >.> hes learned from past experiences
inset day = bring your ipod
we decided to stop for lunch which we were told was at 12:15pm
so we went off at 12:10 to beat the crowd
but upon turning the corner to the cafe we saw it was rammed full
then we walked to the food, i was down for vegetarian but no one was checking
what people had ordered and i decided to go for the fish and chips option
as the vegetarian looked like dog food
there was cakes
just a lot of food, a lot of people
my anxiety spiked
and jack turned to me and asked if i was alright i said i was fine
he seems to be quite tuned into me or pays attention to me
i got my food and sat down with rebecca alan jack liv
alacia had taken her food to her room she didnt want to sit in the cafe
and to be honest she had the right idea
it was noisy and busy and crammed
i didnt want my food
i ate my beans, a few chips and a bite of my fish
and left it, i had my cake even tho i didnt want it, its a sin to waste cake
i felt quite queasy afterwards and had had enough of sitting there
i needed sanctuary
so i didnt say anything to the group and left
i walked to our science office - where we usually have lunch
and had an anxiety attack
not the full on hyperventilating one luckily
just more wanting to be sick, twisted stomach and silently crying
i hated myself
i hated what i ate, how fat i was, that i had gotten upset, why was i even like this?
it was like out of no where this huge mountain of thoughts was just dumped on my head
i was tempted to ring mum but knew id cry harder if i did that so
i just waited for it to pass
i had a message on my phone from jack asking if i was alright
i said "im fine"
i sat there and heard my team come back
only jack came into the office he sounded relieved to find me
he asked if i was ok
i said "im alright"
he said "but youre shaking"
i didnt respond
he said "was it too much for you in there?"
i hated how pathetic i must have looked
he told me to take as much time as I needed
i didnt want him to see me like that
i dont like anyone seeing me like that
its hideous
eventually i felt stable enough to continue with my work
but i felt terrible
my legs were shaky i felt sick and dizzy
i almost thought about going home
and i trudged round the labs half in a saddened daze
til my motivation and determination kicked in
the voice of "i dont want to give in" "i dont want to lose" "this wont be like my previous school job" and i rallied then
jack had left me for his appraisal and when he came back he found me in my usual mood
he kinda had a double take XD guess he didnt know what he was coming back to
the rest of the shift went quite slow just cus it was a bit boring
after a lil while. been over a sink for hours!
so much stuff to clean -_____-
we left school and wished each other a good half term
i got home, drained
mum made me a brew
i went on just dance and did half hour of yoga
then had a shower
then had dinner and went on my laptop for a short time
gonna paint my nails tonight
hoping theres another episode of 8 out of 10 cats does countdown tonight
forgot to check!
tomorrow im going ice skating!
going with jack
meeting him at 11am which he isnt impressed about as it means he has to see the AM hours XD
should be a nice day anyway
i hope thats the last of my anxiety attacks at school
i did text jack to apologise he told me i had nothing to apologise for and he wishes he could be of more help, hes really nice to me and we text a lot
gives me hope that there are good patient guys in the world
here is a highlighter ive brought
in shops its £25+ i got it for £7 off ebay new
i see loads of youtubers using it and wanted a go
its alright i guess, fancy opening tho its like magnetic
