Evening
I havent been doing my diary, i know
things have just been so bad this week
i hit rock bottom
i was so low
in so much pain
and had almost given up
i didnt want to go to work
its just been awful it really has
my week at work was alright, a lil slow at times
and tiring
a few times i was just in so much pain all i wanted to do was cry and go home
i cried when i got home on monday tuesday wednesday
i slept a lot
i wasnt sleeping at night
so i was tired for work
jack i could tell was concerned and said we'd do something at the weekend
something good and something to make me smile
we arranged to go to derby on saturday
we were to meet up at 10:30am
i hadnt slept well, but i got up, did some yoga to help myself, got my stuff together and did my hair and make up all ready to go
he didnt wake up til 12pm...
it hurt
he was the one who was gonna try make stuff better. he isnt late for the things he wants to do, he doesnt let other people down but he let me down
he said he was sorry and asked if i was still coming over
i said "i dont know if i can be bothered if im honest"
im always the one doing all the running around and id had enough
so i didnt see him nor did i txt him
he doesnt put any effort into the relationship at all
i love him but he needs to try and work at it
as at the moment i feel its always always me
so i put all my stuff away, took my make up and went to bed
i was so low at this point
i just didnt want to feel anything
i got up and did some dancing
and went back to bed
night time came and i was crying again as i was hurting both physically and mentally
so i went from taking 0mg of my pain relief to 225mg + a sleeping tablet
id gone past the stage of caring if i woke up in the morning
mum came to see me when i went to bed and asked what id taken
i considered lying to her so she wouldnt worry but i told the truth
she was worried and said i shouldnt do things like that and to wake her in the night if i didnt feel well.
i ended up sleeping for 12 hours
it was amazing
i woke up feeling well off my face
i was so drugged up it was brilliant
mum said she'd poked her head round my door this morning to see if i was still breathing XD
i said "i might have been in a coma"
she said "i had considered this actually"
so today i have felt better cus of the sheer amount i took
i plan to take 100mg tonight
no sleeping tablet tho
i did 50 mins of straight dancing i was dripping
i managed to finish Monogatari's For me
as i love love that song :D but my dance needs work
i did 30 mins of yoga
altered the painting i did last week
sorted out my laptop finally
did some paper work that ive been putting off
so yeah i got a bit achieved today
not heard from jack today
let him feel like hes in the dog house
i will be professional tomorrow tho at work
and thats it really
i have come to realise that i do infact need my pain relief
i talked it over with my parents and yeah i need them
i hate hate hate admitting that
when ive come so far in coming off them
but if i need to continue to poison my self with them then so be it
ive got an appointment to see a back pain specialist ive been waiting to see since april
that will be in october and so will my hip xray
and i hope to get other appointments so i can sort out pain relief
as i have no life at the moment
overdosing seems to be my only joy
and that in its self is sad
