I didn't sleep well once again
but whats new!
I was laying wide awake and waiting for my parents to go to bed
once that had happened at 11:30pm I went downstairs
What I wasnt prepared for was the onslaught of emotions
i sobbed my eyes out for half an hour my face and eyes were raw
I had every thought possible I think
why am i still sick after all this time?
Is my health going backwards?
I can't go backwards Ive done my time Im not gonna back there
what am I doing in life?
I want to work but what career do i want?
why does adam go out with me?
should I continue to go out with him? im only trouble to him
am I better off dead?
would death bring peace? an ending to it all?
does self harm help? what would I use?
why am I always alone? left to suffer alone
but then it needs to be like that so i dont bother others
should i wake mum? no theres nothing she can do no point in her being tired
when is this going to end?
how many more years must i spend like this?
why am i so pathetic?
why cant i stop all these thoughts?
but whats more is how afterwards i just felt so empty and hollow
almost like i had lost what it meant to be me
i felt like a shell
adam txt me from 11pm to 12am but he had no idea i was crying my eyes out
i didnt tell him
he went to bed and then 10 mins later ed txt he stayed awake with me til 2am
when i decided i would try and sleep
my dreams were about death and people killing/hurting one another
i woke up at 10am not wanting to face the world
mum said i looked ghostly
i didnt tell her the sort of night id had i just told her i couldnt sleep
I didnt do much all morning
i was trying to finish the book nigel lent me months ago
we had lunch but i felt like i barely tasted it
we got into the city centre and arrived at the ice stadium to find 100+ primary school children putting on skates....yeah nether of us were prepared to go on the ice rink with that many children
it was wrong in a way cus it was public opening times they should have come privately so not to bother the public. cus lets face it a lot of them are gonna get in the way, fall over, cry
hell
so we turned round and left
we walked to the city centre and we had our annual hot chocolate from the christmas market
it was so busy everywhere i wasnt in the mood for any of it
we headed home as nether of us wanted to shop in the queues really
and we didnt need anything ether really
so we were home just in time as it poured down so i had my girls on my knee as i read
i only have 30 pages left of the hardest book i have ever read
then i went to bed
yesterday i had a splitting headache ALL day and was exhausted from it
today ive had a headache not as bad but still a headache
i couldnt focus so went to bed for an hour to be woken up with cake mix by mum :D
then I had Oz in my room for a jump round he was happy bunbun
dinner came and i didnt want any of it but knew i wouldnt get away with that so i ate it but it feels like my taste is muted like when you have a cold
tomorrow adam wants to see me
im not sure i want to see him
just cus im not in the mood to try and look happy for others really
i just dont feel myself at the moment
am i better off socialising or isolating myself til im back?
Thought Id show some make up i got last week
one is lipstick that can be used as eye shadow too im not too keen on it as it has a dry texture but the canmake eye shadow i have wanted to try for months and months and it didnt disapoint it was sparkly and i like it :D
