I am alive, I can confirm this XD
I haven't been here since 21st Novemeber
if I am honest, I got fed up of it all. I got fed up of writing the same thing
"i'm tired" "I havent slept" "I ache" "fed up"
Its depressing and really brings home to me how I feel, how crap I feel and how restricted my life is because of my health. And when I am feeling exhausted, in pain and fed up, the last thing I wanna do is write about it! So I took a break, meaning to only be away for a week or 10 days but to be honest I got a taste for freedom. I enjoyed having that extra time in the evenings what I would usually use to write this, it can sometimes take up to half hour for me to do this and sometimes I would rather spend that time doing something more enjoyable.
I confessed to Jack I hadnt done my diary in 2 weeks, he suggested doing it at the end of each week not each day but even that felt like an ask. I decided I would leave it and just do a post at the end of this year to wrap the year up then 2023 I might do weekly diaries.
so I havent been up to a great deal this past month, I confirm I finished school without a sick day this half term so that was a nice achievement. I saw Mia's new forever home which is like a freaking mansion she has a mammoth project on her hands but I see the potential, my family dug up my drive so we can fit 2 cars on the drive, we had christmas together, we had asthma checks, just daily life really. I wasn't able to join in anything at school and friends with christmas and food cus of my diary but I did have 48 hours away from my diet on christmas eve and day. I stuffed my face with cake and chocolate, the sheer amount of calories those days was intense. and yes I did very much pay with my arse hole a couple of days later.....so much death.....
we have just ordered 6 months worth of this probiotic I have been taking as it seems to be the only thing working for my tummy. I cant rely and wait for NHS help. I am 99% sure that the problem with my stomach is that I am not making the right bacteria therefor acids are burning my linings. So I decided to research the best probiotics on the market. They were pricey but its actually been working. You dont mind paying if it flipping works. And jack kindly said he would go halves with me T^T so kind of him
tonight we have no plans - just the way I like it. Its 9pm and were gonna watch Yashahime together drinking hot chocolate then play scarlet and violet in bed together. Oh yeah the other day I completed the dex! I have never in my 20+ years playing pokemon, completed a dex. Never. But i have and i am so proud. Whats more is my brother bought pokemon
my brother bought pokemon. Those words dont go in the same sentence. He hasnt played pokemon since blue version when he was like 5 years old and too young to really understand it. Plus pokemon games were much harder in the day.
tomorrow, I am cleaning this house! it will be chore day! I have a lot of cooking to do also. Jack doesnt know it yet but he too will be cleaning. He wont be hungover anyway.
so lets review the year shall we
at the end of 2021 I said for 2022 I wanted to;
get more of my garden done
to work on biology GCSE
keep exercising - mainly weights
live well with my Jack and to continue strengthening our relationship
take better care of my self and be honest how I am really feeling
take more photos of myself to look back upon
so the garden, huge victory there. The victory credit mainly goes to mum and Jack if I am honest. those two worked solidly on that. I helped where I could but a lot of the time was banned from help cus of my health. But they have done a cracking job. I am so proud of my jack. He had such a tan by the end of summer!. We have a nicer looking garden that should be a lot easier to do in 2023 summer. Here's hoping we dont suffer 42c heat again....
biology GCSE....^^; eerrrmm I gave that one up. I ended up having that much time off work that I had missed too much and I got into my head that I didnt want to stay at school I didnt want to do science anymore so what was the point of it all. As much as I found it interesting, the science sadly wasnt coming natural to me. I had to study hard for things that most people already know. In the end I decided it wasnt worth the effort. I wasnt that bothered and would rather use the time for other things.
exercising, of course I exercise. God knows I exercise. I dont get away with it. And the guilt I feel for skipping a day! if I skip 2 days in a row man do I know about it! I have bought 2kg weights this year and my first kettle bell so I have been using them to try get stronger.
being with Jack. We still havent had a full on argument or any argument really. We work so well together and he takes such good care of me and I cant help but love and care for him. He did of course ask me to marry him by the waterfalls on October 19th ^^ he is the best
take better care of myself. Well this year I broke for the 3rd time. and after that 3rd time I confessed whilst sobbing to mum that if I was to burn out that badly again that I wouldnt have the strength to go on. That each time I burn out a piece of myself dies and I dont have enough strength to bring myself out of it a 4th time. That i would take my life. I only told Jack this a couple of weeks ago actually, he looked so sad and hurt and was disappointed I hadnt told him at the time that I would have taken my life. So going part time was the only way. I had a slow return to work after my break down and i liked working those hours so asked work if I could stay working part time and it was agreed. dont get me wrong it BURNS having to work part time. I hate it. I hate having to need this. But I also need to be fortunate that I am financially able to do this and I able physically able to work to. I hope to continue working like this
photos, god I suck at this one. Haven I taken one this year? are there any this year? god this is bad. I just hate looking at myself so much but I need to change this mindset. I have plenty of the loaf XD
so on the whole Id say I have done pretty well out of all those goals really.
big changes this year too was getting the whole house new windows, I gave up social media, we got a different car
what do I want out of 2023?
maybe I need to make more of effort with taking photos....
to live happily with my jack and support him through life~
do art and craft, I need to make that time for myself each and every day even if the work is rubbish. I need to do it for me and stop being a perfectionist. This year I lost out of doing a lot of art because I thought it would be rubbish and pointless whereas really, none of that matters I should be doing art for me and not to go up in a gallery. Just chill out Jo!
I want to do up Jacks study, it needs properly sorting
be nice if I could decorate the lounge, maybe get patio door changed
go on a holiday even for 2 nights somewhere and make it somewhere new
keep up with my japanese but to enjoy it and learn it. I was the worried about falling out of the 'platinum league' on Duolingo that I was just the same lessons over and over again to earn quick lots of EXP and wasnt learning anything or even enjoying it. now I have fallen out of that league but actually improving
think I will leave it at that
I will probably just be here weekly now as I stopped enjoying this, this was a chore. I am hoping weekly posts will be less chore-like
7th January is my baby boys 6th birthday. He is my world. I love him and will give him anything. I am so proud of him making it this far I hope hes 7 and becomes my longest living bun!!!!! Long live the loaf!
