Evening
So we had tears last night
I got to bed and could feel my legs throbbing and I also was having so many thoughts. One being my favourite part of the day is bed - sleep - being out of pain, not having the think, not having to do anything and keeping up. My best part of the day in not being conscious. Thats not right is it? I thought "what do I want in life? what makes me happy? what do I want to do? why do I endlessly suffer to have nothing good happen. I cant walk, I cant go anywhere. whats the point in life?"
My legs hurt
I would have cut them if I knew it would have helped. If I knew it would provide relief. So that was a self harm thought.
I cried
Jack realised I was crying.
We got up and there on the sofa I confessed everything that way weighing on my mind
that I havent been happy for many months now
that even why I draw and stuff, I dont get any joy from it. I just do it. I go through the motions. almost like a job. I like working out but I get set back like my legs. so even when I am trying to help myself my body fights back.
I made it very clear I was happy with my Jack and grateful for everything he does. I didnt want him to think I was unhappy in life because of him. No way. Love my Jack and I couldnt go on without him.
We had a piece of flap jack mum bought over and a cup of tea and went to bed around 11:30pm I was awake til gone midnight as there was a police helicopter looking for something. Jack was well off.
I slept apart from that and the alarm was needed. I needed sleep
I got out of bed and my legs felt like an octopus has strangled and constricted my legs with growing pains. That was my first stand of that. I couldnt walk could I. I couldnt go to school. Not like this. But i wasnt 100% sure what I would do from home
Jack went to sleep
I went to work at my desk, I kept re-doing things, I changed designs. I could not think straight. I was getting frustrated. I went to bed and woke up 2 and half hours later at midday....WTF
when did the last time that happen!?
to be honest I came to terms then that my depression is bad, I think it has been getting bad for a while now I just wouldnt accept it. I felt poorly today like mentally poorly and the affect that has on the body.
I got up and had lunch quickly then went back to work. I managed to get a bit done but dont feel i was that productive today. Wasnt my best effort. But I guess I wasnt feeling my best.
I managed to finish my next pokemon piece and I think I will leave it there with pokemon for a bit and draw something different.
I bought Oz in for a drink and something to eat and then mum came to pick me up. Oz sat on the sofa and I sat with the pigs on my lap. I told her about last night and how I think its just my depression and that I dont want anymore mental help.
I checked my phone as I was a bit anxious about Jack. He would be driving to his mums from school by himself for the first time. I txt him asking if he was ok and he rang me saying he just got back to school after having a massive heart attack - driving to his mums to find the main road closed and he was unsure where he was driving then found his way back. he said he would ring his step dad and ask the way. He then txt me to say he was gonna have another attempt. He did it. So proud I thought he would do it.
She did dinner and I ate dinner with mum and dad it was there 32nd wedding anniversary. Mum had made a cake - excuse for a cake. It was so good I struggled to finish it but I sure as hell shoved that last bite down me. i was happy I had managed dinner without getting stressed out as I felt stressed out and out my comfort zone with it last night
It's 8:30pm Jack hasnt left his mum's yet! He's got a bath here waiting for him XD ive had to do the washing up and my medication. I hope he gets back ok. I told him not to rush and that I was totally fine. I was home safe and Oz was home - he had such a lovely time hopping round mums garden I bet hes shattered.
tomorrow
id like to be able to go to school
i dont fancy another day from home
I told mum id like to go somewhere with her after school, she said she would like to but to see how my legs were first.
I am gonna hop into bed and play pokemon
