Evening
I kinda slept but still took me a long while to actually, sleep
and woke up a couple of times as well :/
My heart was very erratic, I laid there thinking "twice today by two different health care professionals have I been told today that my body is stressed out. That I need to look after myself more."
I need to look after myself more :/ people tell me to do it but I don't but maybe I need to, maybe these are signs of another breakdown on the horizon. How knows
I didnt manage breakfast, stomach felt too knotted so i had a hot choc
Work, ah work was hard today
I spent a good hour on the prep room office floor in a ball, cold with my cardigan on, lab coat and jack's coat but I still shivered and felt achy and like crap. Jack took my temperature and it was 36c
I felt awful but after some food and pain killers I did rally again and get the day done
my lunch gave me stomach ache tho, so i think my stomach is twisted up with stress again
but i couldnt handle anything like literally couldnt handle anything i told jack i needed my hand held, he helped me so much as I had the hard the practical tomorrow to prep and the chemicals i needed for that are a hard ask i have to say. but he helped. I found bacteria in the fridge and decided to test to see whether it was alive or not, so i will find the answer out in a few days time - if it grows daughters
I was happy to be home
i sat with Oz on my knee he went to sleep whilst i chatted with mum and had a brew
mum wanted to do a walk so i went with her not that i felt i had the energy particularly
as we walked mum went on AGAIN about jack the bungalow how he isnt doing stuff fast enough and I keep saying to her "i keep telling him!!" then she went on to say "I just dont want you losing the house, if the owners get peed off from waiting and feel they are being messed around" does she think i havent thought about this? that i havent already voiced this to jack? i felt my throat constrict. I said "i know mum, stop going on i dont wanna talk about it anymore" she went quite and my legs felt weak and tears ran down my face. She looked at me and apologised I said "I literally cant handle anything else mum so you stressing me out makes me want to have a panic attack" she said "Im sorry Im sorry, we will talk about anything else" and i could tell she felt bad for upsetting me but it was nothing to be upset over its just cus my body is at stress breaking point, i somehow held it together during work and i think the dam just broke when mum started up as well. she says that dad always quizzes her about the house as he knows i cant cope with his questions.
I came back and washed my face and put my pyjamas on, got stuff ready for school tomorrow and had dinner. Then I packed up a few things that have bids on, on ebay. They finish tomorrow~ probably wont make that much but better than nothing i suppose, just feel its been a lot of effort!
Now I will do a bit of digital drawing and tune off and do that
this is how far I am
tomorrow is school
got a practical first thing that involves acid that can remove skin from flesh ><
then I have the hard practical that involves me using the spray that can give you cancer
i gotta be awake tomorrow!
