Evening~~
Didnt sleep til midnight but woke up at 6:30am so thats not too bad i guess
my morning was alright
I ended up having a bit of a lecture from mum about my mental health/behaviour
as of late...
and shes right i know i havent been on my best lately
but surprisingly just talking about it all brought me back down to earth
i told her im struggling and when im struggling i push others away
its just something i seem to do
but i felt better for talking
however talking almost made me late for work i only just got there on time!
i saw jack and julia wasnt in yet
so i went over to talk to him and told him i was struggling and sorry for being a jerk
he said he noticed i was down and hurting
so we talked about stuff
then he said we had to go round the labs and check the equipment
a job i didnt want to do
he offered to do it together or by our selves
and id brought my ipod - intending to work alone
but since i had talked to mum and talked to jack i felt better and therefor wanted the company
so i worked with him
god there was so much stuff
took us hours
going up down up down off the floor checking trays and shelves
i was feeling dizzy but didnt think much to it really
we had lunch, well i had some biscuits and a hot chocolate
and i felt kinda spaced out and julia said i didnt look so good
i didnt feel good
she suggested i go out for fresh air i got up and almost walked into the door frame
i said "Im ok"
and then my legs just gave way and i went crashing to the floor
jack was there and i was shaking like a leaf
i was annoyed
they said i should go to the nurses office as i could lay down there
i did not want that kinda attention
but it seems it was a day of what jo didnt want to happen >.>
i got carried with an arm under each of me from julia and jack
and they took me to the nurses room
i had to lay down with and ice pack on my forehead as i was burning up
and she put the fan on me
the nurse asked jack "is there anyone we can ring?"
he asked me "is your mum home?"
i said "yeah she is today but theres no need as ill be fine in 10mins then ill go home"
they both looked at each other and next thing i knew jack left me alone with the nurse
she asked me "do you two know each other from school or something?"
i said "no. why do you ask?"
she said "you two seem to know each other well" ^^"
does it show that much?...
jack came back
"rang your mum, shes on her way"
i looked horrified at him "you are joking?"
he said "no Jo I am not joking. youre going home"
i said "ah your dont understand, ill be fine in a few mins, theres no need to send me home and mum is only gonna lecture me again"
he said "i dont care you cant drive end of youre going home"
told him i hated him
but in that moment i hated myself above anything else
hated that i was once again sick, putting others out, and attracting attention to myself
mum eventually arrived
and i said
"i dont think my legs can carry me to the car"
so what does the nurse get for me?
a wheel chair
course she does -____-
so i now have a worried mother and a wheel chair facing me
i literally wanted to crawl up and die
jack pushed me in the wheel chair to mums car ><
i could have died
he looked a bit stressed and concerned and mum said once we drove off
"i can tell he didnt want to leave you. he told me on the phone you didnt bring lunch today"
crap and double crap
we got home and mum rang the doctors
i got a cancellation an hour later
i was checked over and doctor said id basically got a virus that should pass
i just had to rest drink and eat
i got home and went to bed
i felt better for food and bed rest
mia rang me and i spoke to her for a bit which was nice but tiring
i had texts from jack asking if i was ok
i said i was ok and that i wanna come school tomorrow
he told me to take the day off
but i can not bare a day of sodding bed rest
its evil
so i started getting my school stuff ready and mum asked me what i was doing
i said "i wanna go school"
she said "only if youre well as i am not collecting you again, i didnt pick you up this much during your whole time at high school"
i said "i know im 27 and youre still picking me up poorly from school like a child" XD
but we agreed if i was ok i could go
then the lecture came
the food lecture
yes jo has learned a lesson
i have to eat
despite how much i hate myself, my size, my weight.
i must eat
i cant work and not eat
so i have got a lot of food to take tomorrow
and its something ive got to get on with and do
i could get by so much easier in life if i didnt have so many anorexic thoughts and self hatred
i told jack today how much i hate myself and he was so sad to hear that
just fact of the matter
so yeah jo has not been taking care of herself
id like to go school tomorrow
but i guess i shall see
