Evening~~
Last night at Mia's we had a catch up
and then I taught her yoga for about half hour
she did well and enjoyed it, she wants me to do more with her
I said I would but Im glad she enjoyed it
I didn't sleep too badly
but I was awake from 6:30am
think a part of me is paranoid that the phone will ring for work for me
but it didnt
I txted mia this morning asking if she hurt but she said she was fine
so I told her Id work her harder next time~
I cleaned my pigs out and stuff
I did some dancing for 20 mins and did a bit of skipping
but stopped once muscles hurt
showered and then went to do some drawing on my laptop
I helped decorate a cake mum baked too
had lunch
then me and mum went out after lunch
just to a home store
so many beautiful halloween decorations
i didnt get anything
mum brought (which i found) Too Faced Semi Sweet Eyeshadow set
usually thats about £38 in shops but it was here for £16
so we got that I look forward to having a go with it
it smells of chocolate and looks like a chocolate bar
we went for a walk down the canal by the store
then went home
i had a quick brew then went to adams
kinda dreading it but had gotten used to the idea of parting with him
man it was hard
so he near enough went straight to his room which worked for me
as i didnt want to do it in front of his dad
we talked about our week
i had obviously done more than he had
i told him to tell me about his "break down" as he had called it
he basically said that I had been hard work, im emotionless, he cant give me affection without me recoiling away from him, im snappy and snarky, dont give affection. His mum had noticed all of this too apparently
i kinda thought "right i'll use those"
so i said basically that I was struggling with my mental health, how i dont feel anything and we've both noticed i havent loved him really past few months, how my other half hates him and i have to deal with that hatred and frustration, its stressing me out to deal with affection i cant cope with or give out, im sick of disappointing him as i cant be that way with him and i know he likes affection, how it feels dishonest telling someone you love them when you dont.
i could tell after i said those things that it was sinking in what i was saying that I need a break
that maybe i will stop being so snarky ans snappy and unhappy if i have a break from it all
i could tell this was killing him
i wasnt looking at him i just laid on his bed waiting for him to speak
he said "cant you talk to your therapist about not feeling emotions?"
i said "i can but they dont help with relationships"
i wasnt backing down from this i was doing it
and trying to do it as cleanly and nicely as i could
i didnt want tears or fights
eventually he came out with something i had to ask him to repeat as i couldnt believe he came out with it
"well Ed will be happy now wont he"
i said "whats Ed got to do with this?"
he said "well cus youd be single"
i said "ive known him longer than you and i went out with YOU not him. Besides Im english so we cant go with one another."
i said "make it sound like i had something on the side"
i had to go anyway cus I was gonna go to a running club
so I went to leave luckily his dad was outside so i didnt have the awkwardness
i gave adam a hug whilst he silently cried
and said Id see him around
I had made it clear I was not erasing him from my life, id like to be his friend as thats how ive been with him lately anyway, id still go Tenerife with him but as a friend and that he can have as much space as he likes
did i cry? what did I feel?
nothing
complete emptiness
numb
did feel happy, sad, relief
nothing
bit psychopathic really
still dont feel anything
a part of me was sad for him and didnt want to see him hurt
another part of me thought i should be scared i feel nothing
both things were tiny and didnt effect me really
so im single
and plan to be for a long time
i wish to enjoy life
i wish to get mentally and physically better
i wish to mentally mature too
just not ready for another relationship
dont want to be tied down
came home did some yoga
i left to go running club with mum
she spoke to a few runners asked if they could keep an eye out for me
as i didnt have the uniform on so looked like a random runner
i paced really well and was at the front the whole way
very hilly quite fast in places but good
felt like id worked
came home had dinner and showered
now gonna watch task master
tomorrow i have chiropractor at 4pm and a show at 7:30pm
adam has texted me since
he doesnt seem to be doing well
i think its gonna take a long time for him to get over me
