Last night I was left alone til 10pm
I did some dancing and practised with my lonely Naruko doing Yosakoi
its sooooooo hard! Im not used to dancing with a prop and one what you have to shake as well. So i have a routine to learn and shaking in time with the routine!
its good and i want a pair of Naruko to practise with
i also started watching the Yosakoi anime Hanayamata
its cute and im liking the Yosakoi theme
i watched the last episode of Friday Night Dinner I had missed when I slept over at adams a few weeks ago, it was disappointing but i was glad i had ticked it off my 'to watch' list
i waited for my parents to come home then went to bed
I slept well as Id saved some cold and flu - night tablets
always seem to give me a deep sleep
In the morning I got up for park run
I could tell I was still not well but I was not gonna miss it
so I got ready
my brother filled me in on his exhibition night which went well
says his was the best and that surprised me, not because i think his work is
bad but because he said something positive about his work!
usually he's always pulling it to pieces
so im happy that he could say something positive about his work
im yet to see the film he has made that was at his exhibition
mum said his was easily the best XD
Park run was alright
I did find it a bit difficult just because i was coughing and blowing my nose
whilst running which isnt fun
but i tried and i enjoyed it, it was good weather for it also
i ended up doing a new PB of 30:18
i ran 5k in 30mins so im pleased with that
and its sooooo close to the under 30 min mark im aiming for!
I will hit that mark one day!
I came back and showered, massaged my legs, face packed
and then had a brew watching a few youtube videos i had to catch up on
im a lil sad that i havent contributed to youtube as of late
but i will! i havent given up!
im thinking of asking my brother if i can borrow his tri-pod to put my camera
on outside and do a quick dance record
havent had the guts to ask him or dance outside yet
but i hope i will!
I checked my emails
id been given an interview for the school ive been doing a lot of supply work for
i was relieved i was offered an interview as they know me and to be not given an interview would have made me feel like i was bad at my job.
but its a double edge sword as its made me feel quite uneasy
i mean no one likes interviews unless your egotistical and like talking about yourself
but this one is particularly difficult
in fact id go as far as to say its the most difficult interview ive been tasked with
on Wednesday 27th June at 1pm
I have got to
prepare a lesson to 6 year 5 students (aged 10) about fractions for 15 minutes
i have got to sit and english and maths questions (to test if im thick i believe)
a formal interview with the head teacher
and if thats not daunting i dont know what is!
I was told by a Teaching assistant at the school on friday that when she did the interview 4 years ago she had to do 8 SATS maths questions and the english was to write a letter as to why you want the job. I have sat a SATS paper before
i did really bad at it....my english sucks as well as having dyslexia makes life harder
so whilst i was happy id been given an interview i was also having a mini melt down
why did i have to do fractions!? i can do them but i mean couldnt i do art?
so i was having a google at interesting ways to teach fractions
i didnt want to walk in there doing simple equations so ive come up with an idea of buying some cheap 500ml drinks, pouring away the contents, filling a little with coloured water. Grab a tennis ball and then bowl down the bottles then they have to write down what fraction of say blue bottles they hit down, i only have 15 mins so i
want it to be different and fun.
so i started making some maths sheets to use, designing them myself of course ^^
I did some sewing before i sat down and did any interview work as i wanted to do something i wanted to do. I had on Hanayamata anime whilst sewing :D I got pretty far actually and I only have the pockets, sleeves and hood to sew on and then it is finished! I originally wasnt sure on the colours but ive come to like their combo
here's the lace ive been using
then I went to bed as i was feeling a bit like death
mum was shocked at the park run time id achieved whilst feeling poorly
when i woke up i had a bit of a melt down
well i think it was a bit of a moan and and bit of what was on my mind as of late
i told her how i was worrying about my interview
not just because its an interview but because of, do i want a permanent job?
i feel ive been halfheartedly saying I do
but do I?
ever since I had my first job at aged 22 Ive done casual work
nothing was ever in concrete which has its pros and cons
but it meant that if i couldnt or didnt want to work for what ever reason that i could
having a permanent job makes things seem a bit daunting and adult almost
i know eventually i NEED a permanent job
i worry that is it a teaching assistant job i want?
will i be any good at it? i look at other TAs and theyre so brilliant at their job
i was getting teary at this point
what do i want in life? im not happy
and i dont even know what it is i need to do to make myself happy
what do i want? if i dont know who is gonna know?
i dont want the same life that seems mapped out for all adults
job - house - marriage - children - retirement
its so dull, so everyday, so mundane
its not enough for me
to even buy a house in Nottingham is something i would hate to do
i dont want to live in this city
if i have kids i dont want to bring them up in this country
im not sure i want to be in this country
i am by no means saying i want to be famous or a celebrity or rich
i dont want any of those life styles
but i dont know what i want, im lost. im goal-less
im sad...
mum said to me that now is not the right time to be thinking of a career change
as my head isnt in the right frame of mind, i havent been a 'proper' TA as ive been doing supply work
it will be different belonging to a school
everyone gets lost time to time.
i dont have the same emotions as everyone else (currently)
which is making my perspective on life different
i need to get my head sorted out
dont get stressed, if continuing with agency work suits you do just that
money isnt everything
maybe finding someone with the same interests as you might help
cus thats another thing, i live in a bubble
my bubble
no one enters my bubble
no one around me has the same interests as me remotely
i love japanese culture, japanese dancing, japanese idols and music and the japanese language
i love to dance, draw, be active and creative
i have mia who likes to draw and be a bit creative, tara is creative and so is lynn. but no one shares my love of all things japanese and dancing
im alone in everything i do
me and adam come from 2 very different worlds and i wonder how long my relationship will last with him sometimes. as i find it dull at the best of times. we dont do anything together of interest because our interests differ so greatly. I cant talk to him about music or japanese and he cant talk to me about sports he has no interests or hobbies in fact he doesnt do anything with him self he's happy to watch life pass him by for life to become stagnant but im always fighting that.
i sometimes wonder if we're meant to be
especially lately as my emotions have all but been turned off
i have no love or affection for him. kissing him with no emotion feels so empty and forceful
but i know its unfair on him to make a decision whilst not in the right frame of mind
its also unfair to string someone along. Ive tried to tell him but its hard telling someone "im mentally deranged at the moment and therefor have no love for you" ive told him i feel numb and im struggling. I feel like im being a friend to him whereas his feeling for me have no changed in the slightest. He has so much feeling and love for me and i dont ever feel or give that back. But if he wasnt happy with it im sure he'd say.
so much of my life is up down and nothing is certain
its difficult
i wish i knew what it was i wanted to do
my hobbies are just that, hobbies. i couldnt make a job out of them
i have no idea how to go about getting others to join my band wagon
im lost
anyway ive ranted enough
im fed up of being sad and empty
im ready to fill myself with lots of things
its just knowing how to go about doing that
tomorrow hasnt been decided yet
i just know ive got to go out by some bottles for my interview and food colouring
Oh i got my new school shoes in the post today
my new converse :D
