Evening
alarm was needed this morning
i was dreaming about running
i can only imagine i looked like a dog dreaming...
so glad i was not sleeping next to anyone
school
my god school
got there and my first job was to dissolve starch, starch is a pain for me as its common in biology and therefor i have to use it a lot but its a total bugger to dissolve, it has be very hot to fully dissolve and you have to do it in small amount, just hate it
so i used boiling water and placed it on a hot plate which reached 90c
i was there doing my job whilst head of biology was barking her orders in my ear
i was trying to dissolve the starch and listen
starch dissolved i went to turn the heat plate off via the plug socket
what did i do? i leaned on the hot plate with my hand didnt i
burned myself
quite bad
id only been there 10mins!!!
so i went straight to the tap as even I could feel that pain
usually burns im not arsed with but i knew id done damage
jack eventually saw and i told him and blamed it on head of biology after she left me to it
after 10 mins of being under the tape i said
"screw this i dont have time to sit by a tap"
i walked off and went to prep lessons, my hand stinging like mad
i heard jack shout "tap jo, tap!"
i was like "i havent got time!"
he said "i will finish your prep, now tap"
so i was there for 20mins under that tap and it was no better
the teachers bless em took their lessons through as they could see i was 'busy'
that was after id told jack what to prep
he sent me down to first aid they gave me an ice pack so i could at least walk around and then a bandage that i kept on for a total of 10 mins before it annoyed me
dont do plasters or bandages
they get in the way
later...
i was sweating, shaking, headachy
yup the withdrawal has begun!
i felt like crap
and how much did i screw up!!! and if im honest it wasnt anything big
no big mistakes happen but even if i forgot to hand a textbook out i am hard on myself
i always expect better of myself
but there was soooo much to be done
and every time i asked jack for help he got collared by someone
so in the end the jobs he said he'd help me with, i had to do
i was tired
and the head of biology had a rant at me at the end of the day over something so so small
and id had enough
she said "you look tired"
i said "yeah well im going through withdrawal and its harder than i thought it'd be"
and left her lab
she later came to me and said she'd arranged her lessons tomorrow so i havent got loads of stuff to cart around so i kinda thought slightly better of her
only slightly
id had enough tho
and took myself off to a quiet area of the office and a few tears escaped
i was tired and felt like crap
jack found me and asked if i was alright
my usual reply is "im fine"
he said "well obviously youre not jo"
i said "Im struggling to keep up and i didnt think withdrawal would be THIS hard"
he said "maybe its best you dont drop another pain killer this weekend"
i didnt respond
all day i had thoughts about overdosing
not kill myself over dosing
just enough to make me feel numb and to rid myself of the pain
i knew what tablets i had, where they were, what dosage
just this voice wearing me down as the day goes on
it became tempting to follow said voice
jack said i could leave early but with only 20 mins to go i stuck it out
luke saw me upset he was like "you stressed hun?"
i said "no im going through withdrawal and its hard"
he said "you alright to be round kids?"
i said "oh its medication not drugs!!" jeez XD
never thought about that kinda withdrawal
i left and went home crying whilst driving
woo
felt that good about myself and was that tired
when i got home mum asked if i was alright
and i told her about my day
and she said i didnt have to go yoga
but i knew if i didnt go id only sleep and mope
so i went
but it wasnt karen! we had supply!
she was good but made us hold positions for ages
my god im gonna hurt tomorrow ><
i came back and had food
school tomorrow
thank god its friday
but i have a crazy amount of work to do....
stupid amount of practicals happening its obscene
but gotta get on with it i guess
my parents are going away
my mum doesnt want to leave me or millie
shes worried about both of us and seems keen for me to see jack
honestly im not that needy and not gonna do anything stupid
just want to sleep for hours and hours
i tried to make myself feel better tonight by ordering a few pieces of make up to try
