I didn't sleep that well
couldnt get off til almost 1am
i was up til 12:30 had a hot chocolate
woke up at 3am sneezing in my sleep and then was
awake for a short time.
mum woke me up at 7:30am for my appointment with Karen
I arrived on time to karens at 9am
i enjoyed my massage
came home for a shower
then i sat and drew and went online
had lunch and got ready to see adam
cus yeah i wanted to see him today
im so messed up and its not fair on him
i picked him up and we went for a walk and i brought
us both a brew
we sat in the SAME cafe i sat in last week by myself
last week i sat happily on my own doodling whilst drinking a brew
this week, well i felt a panic attack coming on
i have NO IDEA why
cant work it out
adam said a few times "you ok?" "something up?"
in the end when we had our drinks he said "you want to go? you look stressed"
and i have no idea why i was like that but i think if i had stayed
in that cafe any long then i would have had a panic attack
over nothing as well
so we left and walked back to the car
he said "was it too noisy or busy?" but no the cafe was only half full
and its a small cafe too
i cant figure out what the problem was
he said "anything you were thinking about?"
there wasnt or not that i can remember
we went to his house
sat with his dad but i wasnt in the mood to make small talk
i let adam talk with his dad
i just needed a minute to recover really
so adam asked if i wanted to go upstairs and i did as i dont think i could
have sat on those sofas any longer not that we were there for long
adam tried to give me affection
i pushed him away, i didnt give it back, i didnt want it
and i could tell he was finding it hard and was asking
me for the 100th time today "is everything ok?"
he kept saying to me that i was tense and holding myself and my arms close to my body, that nothing bad is gonna happen and i dont need to be so tense
but when something inside you is telling you not to let him touch you its hard to ignore
he gave up in the end with a look of resignation
he said "im not gonna give up on giving you affection"
i said "but ive been fine in the past why am i like this now?"
he said "youve been like it for weeks"
i said "i feel like ive gone backwards"
he sighed
i said "what if i have gone backwards? will you be disappointed in me?"
he said "no i will just have to start all over with you"
i felt quite bad an inadequate as a girlfriend
especially when he said "i cant even touch my own girlfriend"
yeah i felt a bit crap as im so busy defending myself from touch and love im not looking at what its doing to those who do want to touch and love me.
and i realised that today
something in me just kinda clicked into place
and i felt like the 'old' me the me from a year ago
i felt different emotions i felt emotions for adam and i felt relaxed around him and ok with life
and i think adam noticed the change too
as he gave me a hug and i hugged him back and was fine with affection
he said "this is the Jo I love"
and i felt like i hadnt been around for quite a while
which scared me a little as i worry that maybe i could have more that 2 personalities
he didnt want to let me go as i could give the affection back
and i think he was making the most of it XD
he said "i enjoyed today"
i said "i cant remember what we did today"
took a few moments to recall what had happened but almost felt like
they were someone elses memories i had shifted through
i left for home at 6:45pm
did myself some dinner
showered and got guineas in as it rained
mum came in and i made her scrambled egg on toast for her ^^
i never get to cook for her
then we went for a walk at 8pm as we both felt restless
she asked me where id been and i once again had to take a few moments to recall it
weird
tomorrow is having his first driving lesson in 10 years XD
i hope he takes to it and can remember stuff from all those years ago
he basically tried to learn to drive and packed it in
ive encouraged him to get behind the wheel again
then he said he'd like to see me but i told him theres no guarantee what mood i'll be in
here's the plush ive done him for his birthday
