I just about slept last night
I was cold. again. like zero circulation in this body currently
corpse girl, shikabane onna no ko!
I got woke up at 6am by cramp in my calf....seriously?
how does anyone get cramp in their sleep!?
then I woke up at 8am and got up
I spent my morning slowly getting used to the day
me and mum headed off for the city centre at 10am
what a waste of time that was
seriously we came away with nothing
total waste of time.
but i suppose it killed some time
my stomach was hurting tho I hadnt eaten anything apart from dry cereal and a hot choc
and had taken my medication on top of that.
When we got home I had soup and half a piece of bread
that was like drinking battery acid according to my stomach
I had txted adam to say "im home" he replied "i will walk down then"
talk about not giving me a sodding option
he had no idea what i was doing or wanting to do
and i said "if i see you i dont know what we will do"
i know its wrong to push others away but right now i am i need of my own company
so he turned up after lunch
perfect timing to see me with stomach ache
We didnt do anything all day from 1pm til 4:30pm
nothing
I walked away from him a few times not wanting his company or affection
i felt nothing towards him not even that much on a friendship level
just didnt need him there
the part of me that normally wants his love and affections felt squashed deep down inside me
i was happy to push him away he tried to give me kisses and told me i loved him
but kissing the one youre suppose to love and telling them you love with absolutely no feeling
is scary id say. but i didnt feel scared i felt hollow. knowing that it was all abnormal didnt scare me ether like i just didnt care.
not that i told anyone this
eventually he said "shall i go home?" i decided id take him home
upon taking him home in that short space of time it threw it down like hammered down
and id left Oz out but i felt he had enough sense to go home or failing to work that out he'd find shelter. Came home to find he was in the exact same spot id left him him.
wet.
very wet.
brain of britain that one
since then I have died on the toilet a few times
think ive been 5 times today fed up of wasting life in there
i get as tho i dont wanna eat. i thought id be safe with soup - a liquid - but clearly not
i did some more drawing
i moaned at mum how i was feeling
she offered me a hug which i turned down - i never turn that down
just didnt want it or sympathy
i told her i cant wait to see my psychologist to talk about my medication next month
i need help now, so we thought if i gave the psychologist a ring tomorrow and ask him if i can be referred now to a psychiatrist cus something has gotta change.
my GP knows squat about mental health i cant be bothered to waste my time in his room.
I did some dancing and got sweaty so i went for a shower
tomorrow I have got a massage which i know is gonna hurt as i can feel the tension
but it will be nice to see karen
im seeing both karen's tomorrow. i hope yoga karen hasnt lost anymore weight!
Oh and I ordered the final pandora heart once again
it was £3 more than what i paid last night but its new and in english!
cant wait for it to come!!!!
