Didn't sleep well
hot and cold sweats
longing for pain relief
thinking of millie
I woke up at 5am
and by 5:40am I was up
couldnt bare it any longer
i went to see Oz at 5:45 instead of the usual 6am
he looked at me like "what ungodly hour do you call this?"
he didnt lick me he just looked displeased XD
too early even for rabbits it would seem!
I didnt have time to sit with millie this morning
however i said morning to her and found molly cuddled next to her
my brother made the effort and carried her round the house whilst he got ready
school was fine to be honest
and jack said i seemed off
and eventually i told him that i made myself upset last night by looking at hip braces
how ugly they were, how i refuse to wear one, how my body is deteriorating
he said - Mr. logical as usual
"if you wore one now it might help your hips from worsening"
i said "im not wearing one, they ugly, unattractive and i dont want to feel that crippled so soon"
he said "if i had cancer and lost all my hair, would you treat me differently?"
i said "well no"
he said "why?"
i said "well you cant help that"
he said "how is that any different from your problems? you cant help what you have but you can help yourself"
i silently thought on
he said "Im not going to love you any less, i love you for you, it wont make any less attracted to you or treat you different"
man he annoys me at times
he can see stuff so differently
so i relented and said id look into a hip brace even if i only wore it for work
i got all my lessons prepped for tomorrow
and had shed loads to do today but got it all done
i swear ive done 2 hours of washing up today
i left early so i could get home to millie
i got home and sat with her
she gave me licks but she looked so tired
mum says shes hardly eaten
we took her vets
and we said how she wasnt really eating or passing food and how unhappy she was
and the vet said as she hadnt responded to the medication it must be that she hasnt got kidney stones and its more likely to be a mass or tumour. he weighed her and she had lost 120g in week! she was only 900g to start (my smallest pig to date) so she'd lost a lot of weight
we said we'd like to put her to sleep which the vet agreed was kindest option
we waited
and he came out and said after he had put her to sleep - and her body relaxed
a lot of blood came out her bum. he said we had chosen the right decision
as hard as it was
i didnt cry
i knew what had to be done and i was just numb to the whole thing
my beloved millie
who has been a total total pleasure to know
such a gentle soul
she loved my rabbits and would always lick me and no one but me
always get alone with other pigs and just look like shes smiling
just a lovely lovely pig
and i connected with her the moment i saw her 4 years ago
thank you millie
you will be sadly missed
we loved you dearly and so did alice oz and molly
i came home and managed some food and went for a walk in the woods
even if it was dusk i needed to get out
then i came back and went for a spin in my brothers new car
country lanes in the dark at 80mph
wooo XD
tomorrow is school and same old really
i leave you with many precious pictures of my millie~~
