I didn't sleep well
at 1am I was awoken by my phone making a noise
it was my brother sending me a video from Tokyo arsing around with a toilet -____-
this is what I have to deal with XD
but I love it really and love him
I was actually pretty grateful of him waking me as I was having a nightmare
I thought id actually wet myself I was that soaked in sweat
I couldnt have been asleep for anymore than 2 hours
laying still how the hell do i generate all that heat and sweat!?
i cant remember what the dream was
I got up and cleaned my girls out
with Oz nudging me and such
look at him
this is from the other day at night in my room
happy bunbun
anyway i went to then do a dance video
i was doing one lead by a man instead
jesus how much did that guy jump around!?
its cus he doesnt have boobs
i was tiring out pretty quick and luckily it was 20 minutes long
I went for a shower and got ready to go adams house
just as I went to leave my house my phone rang it was my brother calling
so me and mum spoke to him he seems to be doing well
i havent heard much about the trip but know hes eaten pizza flavoured crisps XD
I got to adams house for just after 11am
we went straight to the shops for lunch
we did a longer route than normal i couldnt be arsed but it was done
he was grouchy i have to say
not as bad as thursday but still a bit touchy
he was quick to swear which i know is a tell hes not himself
we ate lunch at his and then he wanted to book my little trip for my birthday
we are going to matlock and staying in a castle! its got a pool and breakfast is included
and its a total for 2 nights for the pair of us £122 that is amazing value
im waiting to find out what the catch is you know?
too good to be true
i was on his bed cuddled up in his quilt whilst he booked it
i was really cold and in need of sugar and pain killers
both of which were not available to me damn it
he went to give me affection but i didnt want it
just out right turned him down on that area
he said "something is bothering you"
i said "yeah but not sure what, its like i know theres an issue but i am unable to tell what the issue is and this is how i am at night its like im restless and something is wrong"
im not sure if its anxiety but ive felt like it past week like im off my game
i realise only now at 7pm that my emotions and feelings are pretty locked up thats whats causing issue ive locked myself down some how. im not feeling anything. past 3 times ive been with adam were theres normally a whole loads of emotions theres nothing but emptyness and i dont mean love and stuff cus even if i didnt love him any more id still feel that love and happiness of friendship im just not feeling anything. like ive gone numb again. i havent felt anything towards my pets ether im only just noticing that. how did i not realise any of this? how out of it have i been past week?
we came down stairs and i played on pokemon
then i went to do his mums nails shes got Pac Man nails they look quirky XD
then i sat in the living room with his dad and his mum
and i kid you not i literally sat there for a whole hour talking to them
adam barely engaged in the conversation as he was on his phone...
now i know guys of my generation have a thing about checking their phones a lot and i can let it slide for a bit but when it hits an hour mark i think thats just rude
so i turned to him when his parents left the room
"youve been on that a whole hour you know" he looked me
"why do i come to see you if youre just gonna be on that ive just been talking to your mum and dad for a hour and its not them ive come to see"
he put his phone down and went to cuddle me but i didnt want it
and his dinner was ready and i was happy to leave
i was feeling frustrated
in fact id had to hold my tongue a few times round him as i could have said some nasty hurtful things to him just cus i could and wanted to but stopped myself as thats not me
i got home and literally ranted to mum when i got home about how i was feeling
she says it sounded like i was hormonal but my problems lie deeper than just hormones
i told her that i could quite easily scrap tomorrow and not go swimming with him but i knew if i didnt go out that it would be a wasted day of me having my own pity party.
she said "id go as you will enjoy swimming and hes arranged it for you, you dont want to throw it in his face"
shes right i know she is
but i havent felt like ive wanted company for a week
i was even glad that i didnt have to see mia this week and that is not like me!
just not right obviously. i think the lack of sleep isnt helping matters
i got a txt from adam saying "sorry for being grouchy"
and he was he wasnt much fun
but i am not one to have ago as i can slip into grouchy moods often enough and with my mood swings and thoughts he must find it hard to read me at times. so i cant have a go at him for doing something so infrequently and its not even that bad ether, he was in a mood, we have moods
i havent txt him back as hes working and wouldnt see it til tonight anyway
after my rant with mum she said
"you seem to come back from adams house in a mood quite often now, especially on a saturday"
i said "i think its because we dont do much and i feel its a waste of time, i get hes got work and doesnt want to do much but sometimes it frustrates me especially when he sits on his phone"
she said "so why dont you go for less time so you dont let the frustration build up as its not doing you any favours"
its good idea, as the last thing i want is to get really annoyed and take it out on someone namely adam. to be honest thats something im worrying about tomorrow is if im still like this tomorrow will i end up biting his head off?
so yeah after all that i sat for 45mins colouring mum said i needed to do something i enjoy to help me unwind and cheer myself up. and it did help and mum followed up my colouring by making me omelet and baked beans woo!
im glad ive realised what my issue it
that ive had a numbing week
just dont know why its taken me so long to realise that
might tell mum later what the problem is
tonight not sure what i will do
dont need to do anymore exercise but i might as it helps gets stuff out my system
tomorrow i am meeting adam at the gym at 1pm i am going swimming and he is going gym then im going to his for a bath and staying at his house for dinner
i will try not to kill anyone
