And sleep was going so well

Evening~

Just finished drawing for the evening
im on picture 5/6 of a project im doing for adam's birthday present
taking me quite some hours to say the least!

I didnt sleep brilliantly 
I was kinda gutted cus id had 2 semi-decent nights in a row
thinking '3rd time lucky' but it wasnt to be
didnt go to bed til 11pm (late for me) cus I simply wasnt tired
which I knew wasnt a great start to the night
id had the sleeping tablet but the not the sleepy tea
I couldnt face drinking another cup of tea 
the trouble with those sleeping tablets is that they make my mouth mega dry
waking me up in the night with a desert mouth.

I got up anyway and cleaned girls out
washed my hair for hair dressers 
Went hairdressers then popped into wilkos to check for chocolate/brown nail varnish
nope nothing
annoying and mum checked asda for me today
in the end i ordered one from ebay which comes with a free nail varnish so its a bargin :D
cheaper than £1 shop and good brands too

anyway I came back and got ready to go to adam's
he'd been up to the shops and cafe and got us some lunch which was nice of him
I sat and had lunch with him
i did his mum's nails. she said she'd had a lot of compliments on her nails :D
its always nice to know when my art is appreciated ^^
i spoke a bit to her parents that i was anxious about returning to work
i felt a bit pathetic but all well
then from there we were just on the sofa for 2 hours winding each other up
he had football on in the background i played pokemon
but theres only so much time i can sit there wasting so in the end at 3:30pm
i got up and said "im off home to go get some sewing done" he didnt complain
just that he wanted to see me tomorrow

got home and did some sewing on my jacket til dinner time
its coming along nicely to be honest i think now it just needs to be assembled 
ive made every part up and decorated it. it will soon come together
then I chose a design for my nails tonight cus mine have chipped after 10 days wear
gonna do a cute design hopefully! 
then I sat and did the drawing project

god i hope i sleep tonight
i need a normal sleeping pattern other wise i havent got a chance in hell of
returning to work next week.

tomorrow me and adam may go out if the weather is good
if the weather is crummy, well i havent decided that far
i know his parents both asked me to stay for dinner
as much as i love being there, they just eat far more than im used to
so i feel like im always getting food shoved in my face 
i dont want to be rude or waste food so i eat it but then i suffer mentally
for the rest of the night
some times im lucky and i can pick my portions but its like they have dinner, pudding, drinks, chocolates. it feels never ending at times! i just have dinner thats it sometimes a pudding but its small.
anyway i am grateful i just wish i could handle it all like a normal person and not want to do exercise for the next 5 hours to burn it all off!
i will be normal one day

i hope ><

Just worrying over stuff normal people don't worry about

Hoiya~

I had another night in a row of decent sleep :)
but I did dose myself up once again
I hope it continues this pattern of better sleep but I have to wonder
will I be able to sleep without all the help?
One thing is that it makes me tired and yawn til about 1pm

So today mum woke me up at 8:30am as we wanted to get
into the city centre before it got busy
we were out the house for 9:30am

Mum picked up various bits
I got a new 'david & goliath' t-shirt which is grey with a zombiefied toast on it
saying "the walking bread" i thought it quite suited me as I look like
the walking dead most days
I picked up 2 bras too, not that i needed any new ones but when they're reduced to £6 it would
be dumb not to buy them in for when I need them.
and that was it
we had a drink and a brownie between us 
I checked out the manga store but I couldnt see what I wanted 
then we came home

When I got home I had lunch then went to bed
just exhausted really and needed to get away from everything
I had talked to mum about how I was feeling with everything
cus the thought of work next week turns my stomach and im full of anxiety
but also sadness as ive worked really hard to get where I am today
and just because Im not feeling mentally strong its effecting my life greatly
I want to return to work. hell I just want to be able to work like everyone else
but I just cant seem to get over this panic hurdle 
I dont feel ready to go back almost like I just know I wont be able to handle
what the day throws at me
last thing i want to do is cry in the work place cus ive done enough of that at work and college
id only be able to work wednesday and friday this week coming anyway as i have
appointments to go. 
fed up of having poor health
no one else has to take days off work for therapy sessions and other treatments to keep their health up, no they just get on with it and work monday to friday 9 til 5
I dont know how I'll feel if i dont go to work and people ask me 
"have you gone back to work?" what do I say?
"no cus I dont feel like I can handle it" makes me look pathetic and like I dont want to work
but I do
I want to be normal
I hate having all these issues 
as much as I want to give up and crawl in a ball I dont i know ive come too far and I wouldnt want to worry mum any more or lose the relationship I have with adam
all this i told mum whilst crying a bit
knew id cry at some point

I managed to do 40mins of sewing
I got the hood done on my jacket and the sleeves
just doing bits and pieces as theres no rush

now gonna draw and if i feel up to it i will dance

tomorrow I have a hair cut at 10:30am
then I was gonna go to adams but I got the feeling he didnt want me over so early
so im gonna go home and see him in a bit
then who knows in the afternoon

pray i sleep tonight

Finally getting somewhere with the nights

Evening

Last night I slept the best I have slept in a very long time
I woke up at midnight as per usual
then I woke up once more just to turn into a new position then that was it
next thing i knew mum and pinks were waking me at 8:50am!!
couldnt believe how well id slept
granted I hadnt slept through the entire night but hey its a start
im hoping im finally getting some normality to my sleep pattern

I got up and did a bit of tidying up for mum and hoovering
and of course i saw to my pets
Oz has been very quiet today and tired if im honest
bless him

I did some drawing before Adam came over from work
I made us lunch 
then we had a brew and went for a walk as it was a lovely day
it felt good to be outside
we came back and had a brew outside on the grass with Oz
came in and played on pokemon
then I took us to my room cus i needed a quick sleep
so i slept next to adam on my single bed for 40mins whilst
he played on pokemon
got up and sat with Oz on the sofa
then we dropped adam off and went to yoga

yoga was good we were holding positions which is quite tricky sometimes
but i managed it both me and mum felt a bit stiff doing it all
i didnt want food tonight but mum made me some
i hate food currently
want to starve myself i hate my figure
i want to lose weight
i cant look at my body in the mirror i even hate looking down at it in the shower
full of self hate these last few weeks
if it wasnt for the fact that im monitored by adam and mum i would get away with skipping
quite a few meals >.> 

Tomorrow I should be going to the city centre with mum
we were suppose to go last week but i was shattered
but we will go tomorrow we will! 
she wants stuff but i cant say i need anything

I feel like im cracking slowly and soon im gonna have a little cry
ether to myself or embarrassingly in front of someone
just holding it together
i SHOULD have work next week but just thinking about it fills me
with anxiety and turns my stomach in a knot
why cant i handle life normally?

Just can't knock me out

Evening

I didn't sleep well -______-
despite taking new sleeping tablets and sleepy tea i still wasnt able to sleep!
they did make me drowsy and I did fall asleep pretty quick
but still woke up at midnight as per usual
then i woke up again and again
it just wasnt quite enough to knock me out fully
in the end i got up for a hot choc cus i couldnt lay there anymore
woke up at 7 then 8 and then got up
shattered
it was raining too
so my plans for going out today went out the window

I had an easy enough morning
i shorted MY stuff in the spare room cus i have quite literally littered that poor room ><
so that looks better and its pleased mum XD
did some cross stitching and played pokemon
sat with my girlies 
got Oz in from the rain and brushed him
Had a shower and went to adams after my lunch

We didn't do a lot really
i actually fell asleep for about an hour on his sofa
we went out to a different cafe for a drink and to do my homework >.>
then came back and played pokemon followed by a play fight that i couldnt be bothered with
but it seems he wanted to torture me today XD

I came home and put my pets out
and tonight i am going to dance, draw and shower
thats the plan
really enjoying dancing at the moment. learning dances that i really love the songs too
but drawing needs to be done too

tomorrow I plan on drawing or sewing in the morning
then adam is coming over from work
then I have yoga
not been for 2 weeks cus teacher been on holiday

Homework in public

Konbanwa~~

I didn't sleep too badly last night
it was far from perfect but not the worst night I'd had
I looked at my medication, reading when the ideal time of day to take them was
turned out a couple I should take in the morning and not at night
so I put that to right this morning

I woke up at 7am
got up ready to face my morning
acupuncture was alright, I had 9 needles in total, 3 of which in my right ear
i was good and didnt squirm too bad XD
He gave me a packet of tea leaves that promote sleep
I left there for CBT i parked up and went to the chemist for a different brand of sleeping tablet
I will give them a go
went for CBT which was alright and I understood what was being said
she set me yet more homework this time i have to waste time (again) but in a public place AND i have to do it with someone.
I was not impressed

I came home and put my sleeping tablets and leaves on the table
my brother commenting on the tea leaves
"what this? weed?"
trust him to come out with that -_____-
I had a shower and put pets outside then left to meet adam at the gym
i had tomato soup and filled him about my homework which he was more than happy to help me with i think its more his own amusement more than anything >.> git. i'll get him

we arrived back at his house
we had a brew and then he went for a shower
we played on pokemon he gloated just how much further ahead he was than me. 
later we walked up to the cafe to go an waste time in public
it  was a hard ask and i was finding irritation in things easily
i had a hot choc whilst i was completing my homework
we went back to his, his dad came home and we spoke to him
played pokemon then home~

tonight might do some dancing or drawing
and then dose myself on sleeping stuff!

It's set to rain tomorrow which im mega annoyed about cus i was hoping
to go out for the day with adam
so i guess we'll have to see

Umbreon Apron

Evening~~~

I will quickly blog about yesterday

My plans originally was to take myself and Adam out for the day
that didn't go to plan simply because I'd had 4 hours sleep
another bad night
now if this was just a one off I would have just got on with my day
but because its been every night for over a week or two
it's just exhausting mentally and physically 
im not sure how long I can keep it up

So i txted Adam told him and I said Im going back to bed
and that I would take us out sometime this week instead
I eventually got up, had lunch, had a shower and packed Oz up
he came with me to adam's
he was a surprise :3
It was warm yesterday but I made sure everywhere Oz was that it was cool
he really enjoyed himself, going behind sofa's coming out with loads of cobwebs on his whiskers and adam's mum feeding him raisins XD
after an hour I wrapped it up and took him home with adam

we played pokemon on my sofa
and we were there probably an hour
my parents pulled up and at that point I decided to go back to adam's house
we played pokemon once again and stayed downstairs the whole time really
we went out for a drink they all had alcohol (adam non-alcoholic drink) I had an earl grey tea
i have no problem and dont feel i have to drink cus everyone is drinking
i could feel myself getting anxious as the noise level shot up and it was getting closer to bed time
adam's dad made pasta and meatballs one of my favourite meals
but my stomach was so knotted up with anxiety that i could barely get food down me
we played dominos then I decided to go home at 8:30pm
I felt pretty relaxed strangely so i thought whilst the going is good id go to bed
and my night wasnt too bad, i still woke up and stuff but i wasnt laying there hours on end.

Today I  had the day to myself really
I could please myself :)
I sat in the morning drawing getting further with that
then I did an hour of dancing as I was home alone god I sweated so much
so a shower was needed
I did an hour of cross stitching 
and then I decided to do some of my jacket but it went terribly wrong
i think i pulled apart more than i stitched up
just not going to plan >.>
and now just gonna do some more drawing and upload a dance i got recorded today!

Tomorrow I have
acupuncture 8:30 - 9:30
CBT 10:00 - 11:00 
Adam 12:00 - 5:00 
busy busy XD
not sure what me and adam are gonna do though
think we usually spend tuesdays at his
wednesday we're gonna do what we planned on sunday

I thought I'd show the apron I finished for Tara's birthday present

it's an apron based on the pokemon Umbreon
I designed it myself and made the templates
I hope she's gonna like it!

Got my Froslass

Evening~~

I slept like crap last night
I was feeling anxious about going to bed from 7pm onwards
I couldnt sleep til past midnight 
then I woke up at 2am (an improvement from 1am)
I laid there and laid there until I thought
"sod it im having a white chocolate!"
So I got up and made myself one and read downstairs whilst drinking it
after than I did seem to go to sleep til 6am
I dosed and mum woke me at 8:20am like I'd asked of her
Id slept from the hot chocolate til the morning in my dressing gown
my god I was sweating when I woke up!!!!

I cleaned my pets out
Oz helped as per usual 
then I went for a shower actually cus i just felt sweaty and grubby
So I got already to go over to adam's house at 10am
Upon arriving an ambulance was outside their house
but I saw their neighbour's door open so I assumed it was for them
Adam's dad pulled up the drive at this point and we went into the house together
and Adam was up out of bed by 10am!! shock!!

We walked up to the shops for some lunch before it got too busy as it was a hot day
usually the weather brings people out
We played on pokemon a fair bit as we've both just started sapphire again
i have yet to find the first gym adam has got to the 4th gym -______-
i am slow playing games but Im not arsed theres no rush in my eyes
I was trying my hardest to get a female Snorunt and I achieved my goal!!!
So now I have a frolass in my team ^^ she's so cool she looks like a yuki-onna :D

After I'd had enough of playing pokemon he took me upstairs and 
he cuddled me for a bit as I demanded them damn it
I enjoy just laying there in each other's company not having to say anything
its nice when you can feel comfortable with someone like that
sometimes silence is awkward with some people
we came downstairs for a brew and played a bit more pokemon
then I left cus I wasn't feeling 100% i think its from lack of sleep
I didn't do his mum's nails as she said she getting her hair cut
adam and his dad when she'd gone placed a bet when they thought she'd be back
both estimated well over an hour
i said "where the hell does she go?"
"up the road its a 5min walk"
"why the hell does it take over an hour for a trim?"
adam and his dad seemed to think i too took over an hour for my hair cut til i told them Im in and out within 15mins and pay £12. adam's mum is there for over an hour can be 2 and pays over £40
i would not be going there, id dread it! having to spend that long having some faff with your hair!!
id hate it. 15mins is my limit
i will do her nails tomorrow im sure as theyve invited me for dinner

I came home and went on my laptop for a lil while 
then I made myself and mum some pasta as she's gone for a park run tonight
so now she has food to come home to :)
I will get some drawing done tonight as I finished another picture last night :D

Tomorrow it's going to be a nice day (suppose to be)
so im driving me and adam about 30-40 mins from here to a lil village 
i used to visit when i was kid
it has a pub and tea room but also a little bit of natural water I used to play in
and I feel the need to around natural water
something so soothing about it and im drawn to it like a moth to a flame
ive been like it since i was child. mum could never get me out of water XD
so I want to go there, have a picnic and play in the water
i know full well adam wont play in the water i mean if i dont want to im gonna dangle my legs over the edge and sit with my feet in at least.
looking forward to it
he can buy me a brew as i would have driven
afterwards not sure probably play pokemon and relax