Konbanwa~
Yesterday I only woke up twice in the night so it was another good night
but I felt exhausted and full of anxiety
I have no idea why tho
My dutch friends had been in contact with saying that they were back in my city!
5 of the had come over from Holland for a holiday and visit
they asked if I wanted to join them for afternoon tea
I wanted to so I said yes but my anxiety was so bad that I couldnt face travelling to the city centre by myself for some reason.
I told Adam everything as I was suppose to be seeing him
he offered to go with me, so I asked my friends if Adam could join and they were more than happy for him to join
So we met up at Curious Manor
I have never been and it was my suggestion
turned out to be a pretty weird and cool place and the food was really good luckily!
we sat at a table and theyd ordered before we got there and my god how much food had they ordered!!! there was tonnes! I felt so sick afterwards
Id drank so much sugary tea and ate so much cake >< talk about sugar rush!
but it was lovely to see them and hear about what they were doing with themselves now and stuff and Adam got along fine with them cus they are really good people.
we parted ways
They said I need to go visit them in Holland :D
We went back to adam's house as we were to have dinner there as my usual sunday routine
i felt the sugar and i felt so anxious coming home worse than what i left the house with
but when i got to adams i was totally fine
adam went to tell his parents we were ok and that i was 'high' on sugar
i walked into the living room where the 3 of them were and his dad laughed and mentioned something about having to be on his toes as i looked hyper XD
and when i am hyper there is no filter on my mouth so yeah the evening was very very entertaining im glad i can make everyone laugh i suppose!
I couldnt stomach eating pudding which was cake and I really wanted it, his dad ate it in front of me and he never has seconds but he damn well had seconds last night!!!! rubbing it in my face
I left for home and a shower and Oz
adam said his dad had gone straight for a bath and bed id tired him out which apparently is a feat XD
Last night I woke up at 3am and didnt get off til 4am
I got up at 8:30am
spent my morning sewing really as I was determined to get my blankets finished
and I did ^^ theyre packaged alreayd to go tomorrow :D
I went to bed at 12pm exhausted for some reason and slept for almost 3 hours D:
then got up and finished the blankets, doodled some nail ideas, googled some holidays
yesterday I found out that adam wants to do MY japan trip
my japan trip on my bucket list
he actually WANTS to go with me!!! I couldnt believe it
its not cheap and not a country everyone wants to visit
i instantly felt a step closer to going now that id found someone to go with
but I said Id want to go for more than a week
and then I said that I had never been away from my family more than 4 days
so Id have to have a practice run so he suggested france as he wants to go france with me, not a country im arsed about and hes been loads before with his parents. i agreed to go if i could go whilst Japan Expo was on and he said that was fine.
I told him every year I set myself goals and I think for 2018 Im gonna open up a new bank account and keep transferring my earnings and save up for holidays
technically i could afford it now if i wanted to but it means dipping into my savings and it wouldnt feel like ive earned the trip.
so thats 2018. probably manage france in 2018 and japan 2019 i bet
anyway ive gone enough
tomorrow I have CBT at 9:30am >.>
Ive tried to book an appt for acupuncture but he's out and not with his diary
Im suppose to be seeing adam and mia had suggested last week that I stay for dinner at her house so who knows how my day could turn out tomorrow!
Evening~~
I could not wait to tell mum and adam this morning when I woke up that I had only woke up once to turn over and go back to sleep and apart from that i slept through the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god what an achievement honestly. I have not slept that well since early July before my insomnia started
I felt so different for a good night's sleep too
i had forgotten what it felt like to sleep
what was weird was that i didnt take any sleeping aids....i dont understand how sleep works
I was planning on going early to adam's house but he'd left me a txt last night stating work was very hard and he wasnt waking early but i could leave whenever
so i let him have his lay in, makes no odds to me if im honest anyway
I bathed all the pigs cus millie had dreadlock bottom, alice just needed a freshen up and pinks, well pinks was in a state she is just dirty and doesnt come that clean anymore
she hated it XD
I went over to adams at 11:15am
we talked with his parents then went to go get lunch
i got a tuna cob
we went shops as well then came back, ate and then played pokemon
i gave him a back massage and then did his mum's nails
which i was very proud of if im honest
they were tiger nails and i knew she loved tigers she was very very happy with them
dont know how i'll top that! but she's requested halloween nails :D
they invited me for dinner tomorrow as well~
i left after all that and it was 2:30pm
I got home and no one was in so i recorded a dance
i tried to record another but kept going wrong and decided that
i would go and sew
worked hard all through my afternoon til 7pm
and i got the 2nd blanket together
they do look like a matching set now :D
this photo was taken in the evening so it doesnt do it any favours
i will photograph them tomorrow together
I painted my nails last night but im not impressed with them >.>
not that im gonna do them tonight or anything
i will photograph them~
Tomorrow I plan on sewing in the morning then see adam after lunch
he was on about Oz coming up but i'll see. from what he suggested it sounded like tomorrow is gonna be a complete repeat of last sunday
so im gonna try think if theres something else we can do
i hope i sleep well again tonight!
Evening~
I slept really well actually
but I was dead to the world
I only woke up once!! It is an achievement~~
I so did not want to go to school/work today
just knew it was gonna be a waste of life kinda thing
but i got ready and went later than i had done last week
the day was basically in a nut shell me watching the kids play
and crowd control
i did have the class of 30 kids to myself several times which I just get on with
mum picked me up for lunch to break my day up thank god
didnt want to go back tho!
but I did and continued to watch the kids play
so dull
i trained to help children in education but there was like no education going off
i know theyre 4 but my old primary school had us writing and doing maths activities at that age
just boring and i want more to do
Came home tired and felt dirty
i noticed my face from the morning was bloated and puffy i think its cus my nose ears and throat arent right. so i decided to give myself a full facial
I first applied a scrub
massaged my face with scrub on
washed scrub off
applied face mask clay
let it set for 15mins
went in the shower washing it all off
came out and applied this Beijing styled korean facial mask which is suppose to give moisture to my face, and it did feel good I even added cucumbers to my eyes whilst i laid there for 15mins
honestly afterwards my face had reduced its swelling and my cheek bones were defined once again ^^
i felt refreshed afterwards
i couldnt smile in the photo XD but wanted to show the design
i didnt want my face to be touched by anything!
since then i cut some ribbons for baby blanket
did a bit more of the black bird i was drawing last night
planned my nails
gonna paint my nails tonight actually
increase my girl power XD
i havent done much cus im sooooo tired honestly
tomorrow i believe im going over to adam's early and leaving earlier
as i want to sew
i dont like sewing knowing ive got to break off
so i thought cus i still want to spend time with him, that i'd go in the morning but come away earlier so i can sew without breaking off to go see him
hes fine with that
be a usual saturday with him then sewing baby blankets :)
mum picked up something for the blankets today which helped me loads
i wanna get em done for tuesday if i can~
use my patchwork skills~ i always was one the fastest and neatest in my class~
Evening~~
I did not sleep
well I got 4-5 hours if that counts
I wouldnt moan if it was a one off but I still havent slept through the night since july!
anyway I tried and tried to sleep in the end I got up at 12:45am
had a drink with painkillers then had a sleep tea
did some yoga too and went to bed at 2am
then I was up at 7am -____________-
I got ready to go antique fair even tho I felt very very crap
but I wanted to go still
we got there without a hitch and we didnt have to que up or anything
in fact it was really quite dead much to my surprise
We walked from 9am til 1:30pm
i kid you not
i walked all those hours without stopping for a break or for food
i ate my lunch whilst walking
there was loads of stuff just stupid amount really
a lot of it tat if im honest
some stuff was really unusual
I picked up 10x 6" fabric squares for £1 which is amazing value i wanted others but didnt like the choice of fabric on offer which was a shame.
i picked up 2 broaches i gave one to mum and the other i dont know whether to keep it for myself or save it for a friend for xmas
I fell asleep on the way home like straight away
i was stretching laying down next thing i knew i just went really
adam woke me when we were on my street!
went fast! i thanked his dad
me and adam spent the remainder of the afternoon together
they'd both had a good time and picked up more than i had but then its not my thing
we sat with a brew and Oz outside and Oz was so giddy and happy bless him, he loves adam which surprises me so much as ive NEVER had a rabbit to like or even tolerate men. so strange
we played pokemon too, brought Oz inside for a fussing
it was an easy afternoon and i took him home
got back and cut 7 new squares for the baby blanket as the fabric had come this morning :3
looks much better I have to say ^^
Since then I havent done much other than design nails for adam's mum but I need a design for myself too soon. thinking pinky and glittery!
tomorrow I am already anxious about
i think its cus im anxious about not sleeping then having to go to work
but I will do my best
i didnt sleep this afternoon despite needing to cus i want to sleep better tonight
so staying awake with my cold was an endurance test! good job i had adam there to keep my spirits up really.
so im hoping i sleep
i will be at the same school as last friday
im grateful for the work but its a very slow day and no job satisfaction
here are my nails for this week~
10 different designs :D
i got 2 pictures drawn yesterday i will upload them
Evening~~
I was up again in the night
I was woken when my parents came to bed as my mum had quite loudly
found a 'big' spider outside my door which is also in the same area as her bedroom door
so she was fitting about dad getting rid of the deadly beast
woke me up anyway >.>
I got up at 2ish needed a drink and had some cereal
but the night wasnt as bad as I thought it was gonna be
I really thought I was gonna be up all night alone with my thoughts actually
So I woke up on time this morning and got ready
i was waiting round for mum more than anything
but i didnt want to lace into her and i knew her head was else where today
what with it being the 2nd anniversary her mother passed away
we got off for the city centre for 9:45am
we went round plenty of shops actually
sales are on it would seem
mum got the pieces she wanted
i got a jumper for £6.99 its grey with sushi cats printed on it, had to have it X3
2 x chokers £1.50 each one is grey pompoms one is a bow made of diamonds
denim dungarees reduced from £29 to £8.20 didnt need em but they were a bargin
pair of pants by the brand i love cus they fit my arse reduced from £9 to £3
that was it on my part
we had stopped for a brew which was alright wouldnt say i enjoyed it as much
as the sit down and rest
we didnt have lunch or the hot choc we said we'd go again when we both felt more
up to enjoying it. cant enjoy white hot choc with a cold!! ><
we came home and had lunch nether of us wanting to eat out
i went to bed for 2 hours afterwards
then got up and drew i believe after i sorted a few bits and pieces out
i drew 2 pictures id been meaning to draw in my sketch book
didnt do any more sewing and i doubt i'll get round to sewing now before saturday afternoon
booo i wanna sew~
tomorrow
at 8:30am adam and his dad are picking me up and we're going too.......
newark's antique fair - Europe's biggest antique fair
dont know how the day will pan out
we shall see~
antiques aren't my thing but something different to check out
if our tickets were £20 its gotta be good but if its not i didnt have to pay for my ticket anyway!
I brought a new face powder, not that mine ran out i simply wanted to try a different colour powder from the usual white i use. its a slight beige and soft :3
Konbanwa~
I slept like crap as usual
but not as usual was the fact that adam hadn't txted me all evening
every night i send him a txt just saying when im off to bed just so he's
not waiting for a reply cus i obviously go to bed way before him
and he ether sends a reply immediately or i find ive got a txt from him when i wake during the night (my phone is on silent dont worry)
but last night i woke up at 12:30am and no txt
which i took as odd
then the insecurities start
i had to check the last message id sent to him cus i instantly thought "oh crap ive said something bad"
but I hadnt
i couldnt breathe and i was aching
mum popped her head round the door "you ok? i can hear you blowing your nose none stop"
i replied with "yeah im fine, just cant breathe sorry for the noise"
what i wanted to say was "just leave me to die, another night of not sleeping"
in the end i got up cus i felt sick and i wanted a drink and pain killers
it was 1:40am when i returned to bed
by 1:50am adam had txt saying his phone hadnt had signal all night
thats never happened before
in the morning i woke up at 9am
mum had set off work and come back home she didnt feel well whilst driving
she said she wasnt feeling good yesterday
i txted adam but hadnt heard from him. again
so i continued my morning as usual but kept him posted
still no reply til 12:30pm when he said all 4 of my txts have just come through
stupid phones
i ended up going over to his at 2:30pm cus i was busy
busy with sewing!
I got the boy blanket patchwork bit complete :)
and ive been asked to do a similar one for a girl now
so i got started and cut all 63 squares out
they will both look good when theyre done
and im going to have them link in with one another
as the babies theyre for are cousins :)
i went to adam's and sat with him and his dad
both winding me up
then we played pokemon in his room under covers cus i was cold
then he cuddled me
i was struggling mentally just like i had been during the night
but it was just increasingly getting worse
i just wanted to cry it was too much just too confusing too many thoughts
i decided to leave before i made a spectical of myself
it was hard driving home just cus my head was a mess
im struggling now
just the sheer amount of aggression
tomorrow it will be the 2nd anniversary of granny's death
a day i promised to keep mum company as its a sensitive issue for her
so we're popping into the city centre
hopefully get some sewing done too
Evening~
Yesterday I spent my morning cutting out 63 squares for the baby blanket
which took longer than i expected
I sorted my pets out too
i rounded up Oz and took him up to adam's house for 2pm
he is so cocky
to say he hasnt been shown the stairs he started climbing even further than last week and went straight to the 10th step. Later on he made up all the way to the landing...then it became a game didnt it. How many times he could go up the stairs
usually he has a lay down every so often but not that day. he didnt have the time. not when upstairs could be explored. i sent adam up each time as i was saving my energy
but oz went in the spare room, his parents room and under their bed (which they just found funny), he went in adam's room and under his draws and wardrobe. no where is sacred from Oz XD
We took him home after an hour of scamping
then we went for a walk and stopped in a pub for a drink i had hot choc he had coke
yup we really both dont drink
then we went to his house
i painted his mum's nails i did a fox theme she truly loved them and said they were her favourite yet. she told me she'd got monday off and was gonna go shopping the city centre i kinda felt bad for her as shes never had a daughter to do that with. maybe id go with her one day. i told her im going to do that on wednesday with mum.
we had dinner which was spaghetti and meatballs it was good actually
i came home for a shower and to sit with Oz
today~
I didn't sleep well at all
having dreams about about how powerless id be against a man, to leave adam and to stay away from guys as i dont need them. then a faceless guy got me, pinned me beneath me and started ripping my clothes off it was leading to rape but i woke up in time luckily.
It what I have to deal with. These nightmares
I was suppose to have acupuncture and dentist check up today
but I felt sooo terrible and barely had a voice
so i cancelled both appointments
just didnt want to be messed with when i can barely breathe, feel sick and dizzy
so i had a home day
i told adam not to visit cus i was just shattered
I began working on the baby blanket
I got it all laid out
Then as the day progressed I got further
its coming together, i got to a point i wanted to tonight anyway
tomorrow it needs a border putting on
im about to choose a nice fabric to border it with :)
I ended up having a sleep at 1pm
Pinks's has moved inside
she seems quite content actually and not bothered that shes left
her cage shes been in for 6 years!
dad is moaning about the smell all i can smell is hay, granted i have a cold
but dad stinks 90% of the time anyway so whats a cage smell to him
he usually reeks of fuel, mechanical stuff or just fart
it surprises me actually he can even smell 'bad' smells
tonight id like to draw or dance or both!
tomorrow im not sure what im doing it all depends on how i feel
