KoNbaNWa
I slept okish it was nice to be reunited with mu own bed
and my own space, never quite used to sharing a bed
I woke up at 8:15am
I had breakfast but felt exhausted
I tried doing half hour of dancing just practising a few I want to learn
learning i think 5 at the moment! But I like variation
mum came home and I went for a shower then sat with her
I ate lunch and went to bed feeling tired and achy from my weekend
I had just started to feel like I was about to drop off and what happens
the bloody door bell goes >.>
I got up as I was home alone
and I couldnt even slag anyone off because it was a parcel for me!!!
I couldnt get off back to sleep so I googled kawaii dungarees
for some inspiration on what to do with the dungarees mia had given to me
I came up with a design eventually and started sorting materials out and such
I made myself dinner with was tomato tuna pasta
couldnt be bothered to cook much
went into my room to tidy up and go on my laptop
mum was going out and couldnt find her car keys
she shouted me to look in her room so i did and i found them
my brother was at the bottom on the stairs with mum and was just about
to say "dont throw them" but they had already left my hand and as soon as i did it
i knew i shouldnt have but it was stupid mistake we all make
none of us are perfect
but my brother lectured me and dad was in the other room calling me stupid and such
you know the usual rude remarks he says to me
i was tempted to go take it up with him but chose to take it out on my brother instead
- the safer option and less aggressive
dad is so rude tho i have no idea why he hates me the way he does and it is hate i can feel it theres no love or warmth there. he never talks to me unless its something involving him, my car or my work. i sometimes try strike up a conversation with him but it never goes anywhere because he doesnt want to talk to me i think he sees me as a waste of his time or something. So when he isnt talking to me or ignoring my existence completely hes being rude to me
and it is 99% of the time unnecessary and very hurtful
mum says shes doesnt know why he is the way he is but he needs help
seriously he needs help as over the years he pushes me further and further away
and its a strain on mum because shes the 'go between' literally conversations that have to happen between me and my dad are gone through mum as i dont want to talk him as hes rude and uninterested in anything i have to say and i fear him being horrible to me and he doesnt talk to me because i dont know i cant work him out
people say to me "he does love you" "he shows his love in different ways"
no he doesnt
he really doesnt
hes soulless and i think he always will be
anyway enough ranting about the home life i live with
i drew out a nail idea i want to do before i go away next week
as this time next week im in Matlock with adam :D
this is this week's nails
Tomorrow I am seeing Karen at 9am so I gotta get up and out
I will come back shower, maybe start my dungarees and maybe see adam
see what the day brings
Evening all!!!
I am back from up north!!
Saturday
I got up at 6:30am for a shower and got ready
it took me the full time til leaving at 8:10am to actually be ready!
mad dash!
my dad kindly dropped us off at the station
we boarded the train and got our reserved seats
for the announcer to say "could those in the last two carriages move to the front two due to a light failer" so basically our carriage became rammed literally it was as loud as a cinema and rammed like an indian train it was chaos and i hated it
we arrived in manchester it was drizzling
i found out hotel and we were able to go straight to our room so early!
our room was lovely and had a bath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we ditched our stuff and went out to find something for lunch
we headed for Afflex palace - our usual place
as its full of independent traders, things change a lot
so our usual cafe had gone and a Vegan Cafe had opened
as we didnt want to venture in the rain we went there
and the service was great and cheap food to as usually vegan places rip you off
i had butternut squash soup as i love that, mia very sensibly ordered "all day breakfast"
i said "youve ordered an all day breakfast in a VEGAN cafe"
she was like "yeah.....ohhhh...yeah" the penny dropped XD
she stuck with it and enjoyed it so that was good
we shopped round afflex and it was a good to have a hunt round
it had stopped raining by the time we had finished in there but before we left
we had our usual ice cream i had the flavour 'peanut butter salted caramel'
jesus it was diabetic but good
we walked outside and did the shops around - independent ones rather than chain
i picked up a few bits so did mia
we dropped our stuff off at the hotel
had a half hour rest and freshen up and went in search of food!
we looked round for 45mins to be told everywhere "sorry 30min wait"
in the end we were so fed up and didnt care where or what we ate
we checked Pizza hut and they said "5-10min wait" so we actually went pizza hut!!!
of all places! we shared a barbecue pizza and both really really enjoyed it
we left there and went to a dessert place and ordered 'white chocolate cookie dough'
a slab each and i had custard with mine
we took it to the room and ate our ecstasy there
i cant tell you how freakin good it was
i couldnt bare to think of the calories i was consuming
i didnt finish it all but saved it
i had a bath then went bed
i didnt sleep too bad even with mia farting in bed -____-
sunday! today!
we woke up at 7:30am and mia isnt a morning person
i got up and showered and got ready basically
we left in search of breakfast
we had it in an independent place to make up for eating in a chain this morning
i had 'rubard and strawberry crumble porriage' which i thought it ether gonna be amazing or awful luckily it was amazing and i ate it all mia had salmon and scrambled egg on toast
we popped to a could of shops to pick up final bits then caught the train
mia left me at the train station to meet Rob who had come to town and had the house key
so if i dropped mia off home she couldnt get in! so she went to meet him
i met my parents and came home with them
i had some soup and bread
showed mum my purchases and popped them away
they are:
a llama glasses case £6 for dad for his birthday i shall tuck away
a birthday card for my brother i couldnt resist
my favourite incense sticks reduced to £1
a Hell Bunny apron reduced to £4.70 I was gonna get the black but chose blue im gonna wear at an accessory rather than an apron
a t-shirt reduced to £4.99 i had one similar and love it
a cardigan £8 to go with the dress i am gonna wear to the wedding, i guessed the colour would match and it is perfect, and my necklace arrived in the post yesterday so i have the complete outfit finished for £15 (not including hair, tights and shoes)
As you can see I didnt go mental, there was a lot more i could have brought but just knew i didnt need it so i just left it really
Mia had given me 2 bags full of clothes she no longer wants
usually i keep a fair bit but stuff didnt fit it was too loose on me
i kept a pair of dungarees to do up but thats it
ive been with Oz really since bless him
hes missed me ^^ i missed him too and home and adam
even tho i was only gone a day i was still happy to come back
it was enough couldnt have shopped another day
tomorrow i might do some doodling or something
Evening~~~
Today is mummy's birthday ^0^
I always make a big fuss of mum when its her birthday or mother's day
she does so much for me after all
she woke me up which i didnt appreciate as id had a crap night
i had got up at 1am crippled and in need of pain killers and just
to get out of bed in general
This morning was a usual morning
then mum opened her presents and cards
she loved everything I had brought for her so I was happy about that ^^
she said I go to too much effort but I dont think i do
we had lunch at home then we went to go have cake
we originally set out to a cafe near adam's house that mum hasnt been to
but i have been with adam several times
but we couldnt get parked anywhere near the shops so we left that area
thinking the cafes were probably gonna be packed anyway
so we went to a garden centre
we had a slice of lemon drizzle cake each which was nice
and a hot choc which wasnt hot it was rather cruddy actually
we sat there and there was 3 old ladies behind us and the couldnt stop coughing
i mean really coughing and it was making us feel sick
and i was paranoid about catching what they had got
my immune system loves germs!
i felt bad for mum cus it had a been a bit of a crappy outing
so we came home, put the piggies out and went for a walk as it was actually sunny!
we enjoyed that and came home i started to pack for my trip tomorrow
later on I did mum's nails using the stamper tools they came out ok
but they are a faff if im honest
i cant take to it but mum was happy with her nails
she let them dry whilst my brother flicked through about 200 of his Japan photos
which got me thinking I hadn't put up my photos of the gifts he brought me back from his trip
so here they are
a t-shirt with an awesome design on it, id rather make something from it than wear it!
a crushed coin with hello kitty design, he has a city scape one for himself
a poster from the Sumo match he went to see
2 free magazines one from the Metro he brought back for me to have a look as he knows i love this kinda stuff, one has loads of nail art ideas in! and i like the graphics in it too
these 2 were from japanese shrines both of us arent sure what they are
japanese sweets, i didnt try these, i ate the pocky he had open and tried some melon fanta and a grape fanta which were both quite strange tasting
finally chop sticks which say "father" on them but he said he chose them for looks rather than what they said on them, and some sort of charm which i have stuck on my window :D
I could not believe how much he brought back with him i was expecting just a little key chain or something but no he brought me all that!!! I was so happy it was like christmas!!
Mum and my dad have gone out for a meal i curled mum's hair for her before she left
i made myself a realy rubbish dinner -____-
tomorrow I am going to manchester with mia!!
I am very excited about it and a lil anxious as i always am
i know i will be ok as i know my way round its i think the travelling and sleeping
which is troubling a little bit
but should be a good trip :D
I've got leave the house at 8:10am my dad is taking us both for our train at 8:47am
should be manchester for 10ish
think i will end up getting up at 6:30am so im not rushing and have time to see Ozwald
I will be back Sunday afternoon~~
Evening~~
I didn't sleep well as per usual
and I was very anxious about sleeping
the biggest thing keeping me awake was thoughts about food
how much id eaten basically and how fat i was and that id got to lose a stone
Mum woke me at 9:30am
I got up but ended up going back to bed i felt like crap
so i went to sleep from 11am til 12pm
adam was on his way over so i got in the shower
he came too the door just as id got dressed so that was good timing
we had lunch and a brew, i made mum a brew when she came in
then we went for a walk, then we went to his
i took my DS thinking we'd just play pokemon but turns out he just wanted
my attention and gave me endless affection ^^ i wasn't complaining
im like a cat i love affection and attention X3
Im not seeing him now til tuesday D: shock! which is why i think he gave me
so much affection today because hes gonna miss me~
i came home for yoga which was a good session
i was facing karen but she wasnt too harsh on me at all luckily
and i managed the session without dying too
got home and had left overs with mum
speaking of mum its her birthday tomorrow!!!
yay yay
She is gonna open stuff in the morning, im gonna paint her nails and curl her hair for her its a daughters job to make a fuss of their mum on birthdays ^^
then were going out for cake! woohoo!
i've also got to pack for my weekend away with mia
this is the card ive made for mum for her birthday
Konbanwa it's 9:50pm!
Im usually in bed
but currently writing my diary on my knees whilst Oz is laying down in front of them
bless him he loves throwing himself against me X3
Anyway I woke up at 11pm, 1am, 4:50am
and I have been awake since then! well I did go back to bed at 10am for an hour or two
but I had cleaned 3 hutches out, had breakfast, sat with pigs and showered
i woke up and had lunch then went up to adams house
he had showered and ate from the gym which was a change from yesterday
we walked to the shop and had ice cream!
yeah it was cold but I fancied sneaking off for something sweet :D
then we came back talked with his dad
i was baiting him saying i could out run him
but we meant long distance i have never been good at long distance i was more accustomed to short dashes in fact in high school i could do the 100m run in 13 seconds!
probably couldnt do that now XD
but i am determined that this year i will beat his dad but ive got to practice i guess
and build my stamina up!
I came home and took Minnie to the vets
god we were there almost an hour
so unbelievably slow we saw another vet and this one suggested millie have another week's
worth of antibiotic -____- poor millie i wasnt thrilled at this
I got home then set off to taras house
we talked and played with her bunnies
nutmeg is cute and happy as usual hes very much like Oz in personality but Oz is more affectionate and likes people more but thats because hes a single bunny. Rocky my god had got it on him tonight he was attacking me but i wasnt bothered as im so used to rabbits and how they are it really doesnt bother me in the slightest
tara showed me how to nail stamp
and we ate pizza and garlic bread with James
they insisted i stayed for dinner
saved me cooking when i got in i guess
so ive eaten badly today!
I got home at 9:30pm and got Oz out right away and gave millie her medicine
tomorrow adam wants to see me as he wont see me again til next week then
dont know what we're doing as of yet
and i have yoga about it
Konbanwa~~
I ended up going to bed at 9pm
I felt tired and quite relaxed despite the hour before I felt seriously
tense, on edge and restless
so i thought whilst I was feeling tired I would go to bed even if it was early
ended being woken up at 11:30pm by my dad knocking on my brother's
door asking him to "turn it down"
my brother had fallen asleep with his music on XD
I was tired this morning and really could not be arsed to get up
I felt so sluggish
but by time I had eaten, had a brew and showered I did pick up a bit
I managed to record a dance anyway :)
I spent my morning with the guineas I feel like
at lunch time I got Pinks out and made myself a salad whilst
throwing her bits and pieces to keep her quiet XD
then I saw mum and we had a quick catch up before I went off to psychology
I struggled to get parked up theres literally no where to park round there
its quite annoying
I was on time but kept waiting
a woman in her 30's came in with a cute Kath Kitson bag which had a guinea pig print
on it and I was tempted to say to her "cute bag"
glad I didnt as she walked up to the reception "is Dr.....in? I need my meds"
ok considering this was a mental health place Im glad I stayed away from her
never quite know whos gonna be ok to talk to and who is a complete nutter
best to keep to yourself
so I met with this psychologist
he spent the first 10 minutes of my 50 minute appointment talking about himself and the basics of psychology and how it differs to a psychiatrist
he asked at the end of it "any questions?"
i felt like saying "yeah just one, why do you have your left ear pierced?"
but thought Id be better answering "nope"
to be honest I had switched off when he was blabbing on about himself anyway
The guy seemed humourless so I went and tried anyway
"do I get any homework?" and he went to smile but couldnt quite achieve it
i tried
he replied "no I dont set homework"
what a bore
we talked about my home life, my family and how i interact with them, what i do for a living, my conditions and that was about it really
he was a bit arsy with me that i couldnt make 2 weeks time due to me being away on my birthday week and he is going away start of march for 3 weeks. he'd like to get in 2-3 more sessions before then and thats not my problem.
anyway im booked in again at 12 February
I came away thinking "egotistical tit" I didnt rate him much
and felt like he's gonna end up referring me on to someone else
he said i need to 2-3 more sessions to finish my history then he will discuss treatment
I went straight to adams from there
as i wanted to see him
he had got back from the gym and was making himself a late lunch when i arrived
then he went for a shower whilst i waited on his bed
he came back from showering and came up to me on his bed
i had this thought strike in my head, as certain as the grass is green, that he was going to hit me
not that he has ever ever hurt me but I had the overwhelming thought that he was gonna hit me so i instantly recoiled away from him, he looked worried and asked "whats wrong?"
I said "oh nothing" he came to me this time and reluctantly kissed him he said "are you sure?" I said "yeah you just caught me off guard" I didnt have the heart to tell him 'i thought you were gonna whack me' but I could tell my answer hadnt convinced him but he said no more about it
god knows where that thought came from
his dad arrived home at that point and we talked then i went home
been home since and not done much really
sorted out a few bits and pieces like nail designs for myself when i go away with mia
i might dance as i havent done any exercise this week really
i sorted these bits i got in the post from korea
A facial wash, electric (battery) eyelash curler, a lip treatment, and a mascara - i love the mascara as it comes off with soapy water, i havent worn mascara in months due to it being hard to remove so the skin round my eyes gets irritated and sore and takes a while to heal so i have had to make do with clear mascara
Don't know what im doing tomorrow
pets have got to be cleaned out
millie has the vets at 4pm then i might be seeing tara
I'm here
I'm still alive
I haven't been good hence why I havent updated a damn thing lately
just couldnt face it, face writing/thinking about my life
I mean I know my life isnt as bad as other but i have been damn struggling
I've cried a lot and got to my wits end with life
struggling to cope with myself
and I can see its having an effect on those around me as well
I didn't do much over the weekend
I saw adam and went up to his house on the saturday
I came home and made mum a birthday card ^^
Sunday well sunday I was suppose to be seeing adam and we were meeting an old friend at the pub at 2pm did any of that happen? NO and that is because it snowed rather heavily
adam told me not to see him as cars couldnt get up or down his hill of a road and everywhere was bad as it hadnt been predicted and therefor the gritters hadnt been out
everywhere was bad
so i had to cancel both adam and antony. i was well peed to say the least
i cleaned my room and danced and at 8:30pm when a lot of the snow had disappeared i decided to go for a walk by myself as i was restless.
Today I stayed home in the morning then after lunch I went TKMAXX and a bargain shop
I picked all this up from TK
TonyMoly facial wash reduced to £3, nail varnishes reduced from 20p to £1!!! liquid eye shadow reduced to £3 and a korean nose thing reduced to £2. I also picked up 2 pairs of fleece lined leggings reduced to £4 each and a nightie for mum's birthday reduced to £8 so I did well
from bargin shop I got some wrapping paper for mum's presents
From there I went for a walk by myself down along side the river Trent
i always love being around water and then I came home, put my girls out for a trot waited for mum to come home so we could have a brew together
then played pokemon and emailed a couple of friends
adam offered for me to go up and see him but it was like nearly 4pm and i couldnt be arsed.
said id see him tomorrow
tomorrow im not sure how to spend my morning
but at 1:30pm I have my first, and much needed, psychology session
from there i will go see adam as mum wont be home and i will need to talk to someone
I worked on thursday and friday morning at a local school which went well
i enjoyed it and would go back again
me and adam have been talking about going away im thinking Ireland as its more local and looks more interesting than france, nothing is grabbing me about france. i know its a bit judge a book by its cover but it just doesnt look like my kinda place. ireland looks more natural and fun.
millie is still recovering from her chest whatever thing she has
we took her vets wednesday as her chest was really rattly so shes on a week's worth of antibiotics and is going back on wednesday to the vets but shes lost a bit of weight despite her still eating and being her usual self granted she is quiet sometimes i hope she recovers soon
mum's birthday on friday!
