finished spider picture

 Evening

Didn't sleep well again as mum yet again woke me up by screaming in her sleep

her night terrors did improve but i think theyre triggered by stress and i know she feels stressed by me being unwell off work and my impending moving out

so I ended up getting up at 12:30 for pain killers then went to bed at 1:20am

I still got up at 8:20am tho

This morning I had a shower and I finished the spider work for the house finally!

Basically when we got the house it had been empty 18  months and belonged to the many spiders than inhabited it. We had to get rid of so many ether by killing or exiling them. Jack's mum got me a joke present of a spider toy when we got the house. I have had the spider sat on my desk and I had the idea of doing some art with it - i asked jack's mum for her blessing on this and she said it was a great idea

usually people have a picture of a house or a key to say what day they got their house. Well i am weird and different so I went with a different approach as to how we remember the date of our house

Pretty weird huh XD but everyone has said how amazing it is, the photo doesnt do it justice. But Jack loves it which the main thing.

I looked online at stuff for the house as well

I also got my wrapping finished as well! So Jo is ready for christmas :3

just need to give those gifts out!

I had lunch with mum and we went for a walk

then I wanted to go to sleep but mum suggested we take Oz over to the bungalow and clean up a bit and take some more of my stuff over so thats what we did

Oz loves it X3 its cute seeing him run around

10mins after we arrived my brother came too, so we had my mums car on the drive and my brother's outside. Jack got dropped off by a fellow DT technician at school who lives a minute drive away! small world that it is! he was not expecting us all at the bungalow and with Ozwald XD

so we had biscuits and a brew with Jack then mum took Oz home as he had enough, he needed toilet and something to eat, im good at reading him :)

so I was with Jack, kept him company whilst he painted the freezer room which is done now.

I told him i had looked at stuff online and also, that if and when I move in next week, i have no desk or table to work at. So what will i do if i come over? so he measured up and we found a desk and chair online, I went home and ordered

new lighting for the porch/freezer room

new ottomen for the bedroom

new desk for me

new chair for me

=£220 -______- just eats my money T^T

but its exciting to get furniture :D

I decided I needed to chill out after that spendage so I did a face massage which lasted 20mins, cant believe how bumpy my skin was! my jaw cracked, and my face feels looser. Also i was able to have my hair up for the whole time without my scalp screaming at me :)

I still feel exhausted today but I feel brighter in myself, like more myself. So i will take that as a positive. 

Tomorrow I have a bit of sewing to do, only bits and pieces on clothing that needs repairing or altering. I am also getting out our christmas decorations so i can put them up but also take any stuff i want as a lot i have made and brought myself and mum says its fine to take them. So i can make my tree better hopefully! Jack might come to see me after school, i have dinner to make for the family too.

acquired a toaster

 Evening~

I couldnt sleep last night once again

So I got up for pain killers. Think it didnt help that i hadnt done any exercise :/

I got up at 8:20am this morning

and managed a hot chocolate for breakfast

I couldnt be bothered to do much but it was sunny and mild out - a rarity these days

so I forced myself to do a walk, and seeing as I had missed out on doing my usual hour walk yesterday, I decided to make up for it today. I grabbed my ipod and put my phone on charge and went for a walk

I got half way round and started aching, it was hurting to walk and it think its simply because i had walked round and stood round shops yesterday for 2 hours. It was hurting more and more to walk and i didnt have my phone on me. Mum was working round the corner til 11am and it was 10:30am. I decided to walk the house she was at, I knocked on the door, and she was there, wondering if i was ok. I said I was ok but struggling to walk and to get home would probably make me cry. She gave me her car keys and i waited the 15mins for her to finish. then she drove us home :)

I got back and I was so cold, so I had a brew and a hot shower

then I went with my brother to Aldi, as he told me that they were selling glass toasters for £20!

10 years ago when they first came out here they were like £250, for a toaster, yes

so as me and jack had agreed that we would invest in a toaster, i said I would go get it

so he drove me there and back. I got my toaster :) 

then I had the soup mum lovingly made ^^

I went to bed as I was exhausted yet again

woke up and went to the bungalow to have a brew with Jack as he was home, then I watched him paint the freezer room, then i decided I couldnt sit there any longer and decided to scrub all the dirt and mould off the back door (inside face) and it looks loads better and looks loads better where jack has painted also.

we had dinner which was stew he put on before work, it was bland but i told him how he can improve it for next time. 

we laid down after food then I left him at 7:40pm so he could have time for a shower and gaming

I have just come straight in to do my diary and sit with my Ozwald

Tomorrow

not sure yet what I will do during the day but I have a selection of ideas

like wrapping the last of my presents and maybe doing some drawing. I shall see. Just hope I sleep

when jack is home tho I will meet him at the bungalow whilst he just does another coat of paint then leave him to have his dinner.

had the house a month

 Evening

So yesterday I woke up late at 8:30am as I couldnt sleep

when I woke up my mum asked me if I could ring Jack and ask if dad could come over as he was keen to fix our toilet issue. So i did that and woke jack up ><

I went over to go and paint the freezer room to find that Jack was unhappy about my dad taking a blow torch to the wall at 8:45am to try dry some of the thicker plaster I had put on the wall the day before. I found jack hadnt prepped the room, there was still stuff in here, cob webs everywhere, dust sheets not down. All stuff he could have done the night before as he hadnt had to cook or anything

I started sanding down the plaster whilst dad busied himself with the toilet. I finished sanding the room, painted the ceiling, the whole time jack spent scrubbing a bit of mould off the wall he discovered he had missed....honestly he just takes so long to do anything. I had been here 2 hours and already achieved so much more than him. He was also being a total dick. He was being so grouchy and horrible, really not like him at all. I asked him if there was a reason he was being a dick and he just gave me flippant remarks which again is not like him. we dont have that sort of relationship

I then said "jack do you have a driving lesson today?"

he said "no i dont think so"

i said "oh cus your teacher is outside"

he looked out..."oh shit I do have a lesson!!!"

so he quickly got changed out of his painting clothes and ran out the door.

so I was left with mess and painting

i rang my mum and told her what had gone off. I tried to drink a brew but i was too wound up to drink it. Mum said to come home, leave it, and get some rest and lunch

i tried to eat some lunch but struggled and felt poorly to be honest. I had made myself physically and mentally poorly.

I didnt bother to contact jack. not after all that. being a dick and not even knowing when he had a driving lesson and I also told him id be over in the morning and i woke him up at 8:30am, what time was he planning on getting up?

me and mum went for a walk by the river to chill me out a bit, and i sat with Oz. I made a brew and jack txted me "we need to talk later"

i felt sick. like i had done something really wrong. I couldnt drink my drink

mum noticed my demeanour change and asked what was wrong and i told her

and she said "you havent done anything wrong, he probably just wants stuff right between you both but i do wonder if he is making you sick sometimes"

so i was a bit tearful as i couldnt handle it all. and went over to talk to him, crying all the way over to the bungalow. I went to the kitchen to find him putting pots away he saw me crying and we went to go talk stuff out.

we both just full on sobbed

no arguing

no shouting

just crying

i have seen jack cry twice since i have known him. but i have never seen him full on cry to the point were he can barely speak. It was awful seeing him that upset.

we basically work very differently and think very differently

i want the quickest easiest way as i am constantly short on energy, jack likes to think about things and maybe even put stuff off til he is certain he knows the best way to do it so the job is done right and not quick and easy. we have been battling each other without knowing really. but its because he doesnt talk to me, hes let stuff bottle up again and he bursts into tears cus he hasnt been communicating with me. he says i bulldoze through things, but i say its cus it looks like hes putting off doing jobs, i dont know its cus hes still thinking about them. I take it into my own hands and get on with it, and he doesnt like the way i do things. yeah we had it out. we need to talk more and i think we are at a point were we can slow down with the house. I have worked myself til i am corpse and off work, jack has worked himself to tears and he has had enough he is tired

we have been helped by my family so so much but also pushed by them. We wouldnt have done half as much if they hadnt pushed for it. Cus they wanted jack in the bungalow, then they want it right for me. and yeah its a lot. but we are grateful. but the help has come all from my family. all these friends and relatives of jack's that were keen to help, no one has actually come forward to help. his mum and step dad helped wallpaper and brought his stuff over that was it. thats all the help he has had. 

but we are getting there

the freezer room never got painted

we'd like it painted before friday when it arrives but i have told jack i have gone beyond caring now. I dont care. its not worth it. not if our relationship is now suffering as we havent done anything together for such a long time now.

i wasnt going to stay over last night with the way i was feeling, but i decided to come have dinner with my family with jack, stay over and then leave him alone all week. He told me not to stay away but yeah i am, i am giving him a break from me and house stuff.

we got back to the bungalow, i was beyond a corpse

we watched 2 episodes of inuyasha on the tv for the first time

then went to bed i was just done. we did feel better for clearing the air, think it just built up and up. jack seemed ok but i was god i just looked awful

this morning we got up at 8:30am

we both felt better after getting it off our chests and sleeping on it.

i cut his hair for him, we had showers, did the pots, had breakfast all that stuff

went to the shops for 2 hours -_____- jo was dead

he kept asking me if i was ok but i just wanted to get it done

so we got the food shop done then got a few bits from other shops

came home and had a cup of tea and a tea cake, we have decided to invest in a toaster, so we will look out for one! 

I went to bed as I could barely keep my eyes open and my body throbbed 

jack made his soup whilst I was asleep and then he woke me up as my brother was on the phone

he wanted to know if he could come over to look at the TV as we cant get aerial signal

I started putting up our pink christmas tree X3 there might be more to add to it when i get my family's decorations out

 then my brother came over to do the TV

so we supported him with that but he didnt have any luck, the way our house is wired up is just weird i have no idea who did it. then he sat with me and jack and talked

when he left, jack hoovered up and i wrapped 2 presents for him to take into school tomorrow

we tidied up the kitchen and moved stuff around

then made dinner then when we talked after dinner jack said he will try paint the freezer room after school and i said "but i thought we were gonna have this week off house stuff? i dont want you to be stressed and upset again cus youre tired of it all"

he said he would try and it would be ok, i offered to do it but he said he doesnt want me doing it :/ 

i feel so frustrated and not being able to do what i want to do.

missing out with everything

everyone at work gets christmas dinner on friday and i miss that! ><

i came home as jack was gonna go game with his friends

so i came and saw my Ozwald

packed my stuff away, doing my dairy and now gonna sit with Oz and again then go to bed.

I have got to stay home and rest now :/

its gonna suck but yeah i will have to get on with it i guess

jack will see me after school

here is our living room as i finally get round to taking some photos

It's a greedy bungalow

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, head was too noisy

so I got up for a bit then went to bed just before 1am

I dreamed of being a wolf, running with another wolf, through old abandoned lands. Rather good dream, probably because I'm 'feral' according to jack XD

I ended up waking up at 9am tho ><

I got up and ready tho and was ready to go out with mummy

we popped to a home store, I was exhausted the whole time tho

I still managed to spend a further £70 on the house tho -______- but it was all stuff I needed

we came back  and had a cup of tea and mum warmed me some soup up and I had that

then afterwards she asked what I wanted to do "I dont want to sleep I want to be grouchy all day"

instead she dragged me to the bungalow, were I filled in the hole in the wall, changed the bed and put more washing on, put pots away and entertained my bunny who came along for the ride X3 He enjoyed hopping round as per bloody usual

then we left and I had had enough and told mum to leave me alone

I stayed wrapped up in my bed to try and be warm.

then next thing I knew Jack had arrived ><

it was good to see him tho, and he told me about his day and he seemed tired.

I got him to drive us to Wilkos for some bits for the house, the ever greedy bungalow where he spent a further £75

 Mum asked me to cut Truffle's fur in the morning so I am sleeping here instead of the bungalow tonight, then I will go over to the bungalow and paint the porch room in preparation for the freezer

Jack stayed for dinner and then I took him home with all the bits and pieces from wilkos

I got back and tried to go on the internet but im just so god damn tired it hurts to look at a screen but mum had asked me to look for something for Jack for christmas from her -___- so I ordered him a t-shirt.

Tomorrow I am cutting truffle's ever growing dirty fur XD then going over to the bungalow to paint or at least keep jack company whilst he paints, it depends what I am able to do. Then I am not sure how the rest of the day will go. I know I am cutting his hair in the evening. Honestly im like a bloody hair dresser tomorrow! I think I am sleeping over there tomorrow anyway.

Hope I sleep tonight.

Sick off work til 4th January

 Evening

So yesterday I went to school and stuff and it wasnt even a hard day, yet I still found it incredibly tiring and was just exhausted. Once again I cried at work -____-

Jack drove me to and from work again which is just as mentally draining as actually driving

we got home and I made us a brew and we sat with oz, mum was having her hair done.

When she came home I sat with her for 10mins we said that I should maybe ring the doctors and take the rest of the week off. Which I found so unfair but also realistic. then I left for the bungalow

We got to the bungalow and made dinner which was omelette and beans and chips, it took ages in my opinion, but at least we found the oven works. After dinner I sobbed my eyes out

I told Jack everything. I even told him of the awful thoughts I had been having

the world would be better with out me

taking a load of medication at once

cutting the tops of my thighs 

he was a bit upset and felt he hadnt been paying me enough attention, that he didnt realise how bad things had gotten. That hes not good enough to look after me. He didnt make it about him or anything it was just how he was feeling. I admitted then that I do have a problem, that I am unwell....

its very hard to admit that youre unwell and in need of help

he said "you cant keep going and pretending youre ok. It must be exhausting putting on a brave face for everyone"

even my dad didnt know how poorly i was as he said "she must be really good at hiding how she really feels, as I had no idea" 

i have had YEARS of experience, of hiding how crap I feel, pretending to be 'normal'

we watched inuyasha in bed and went to sleep

Chris picked Jack up for school in the morning and I got in my car to come home

whilst driving my passenger front wheel was clunking so i got out to see if i had a flat tire, which i didnt. seeing as home was a 2 min drive i continued on. I got home and told my dad. He said "sounds like you hit something?" I said "i dont think we've hit anything, however jack hasnt been avoiding pot holes as hes too busy paying attention to everything else and hes been taking them at speed as he just doesnt notice them"

so he took my car to work to have a look over it.

I had a shower and a sit with my girls and rang the doctors, who said I could have a telephone appointment with my GP later in the day

i then went to bed for 3 hours....

when I got up I had lunch and me and mum went for a walk

I haven't done a whole lot since then to be honest, as I have had things to catch up with that i havent had time or energy for like emailing my friends and cousin.

I had my phone call with my GP he told me to rest and if I do not seem to be improving or think i need to come see him then do so. He doesnt want to tamper with my meds if we can help it which i agreed with. He signed me off sick til the rest of this term. So I do not need to go in til 4th January

that should be enough time to recover thats practically a month then

I saw my dad, he had repaired my car. The shock had gone on the front passenger wheel - which i suspected. He said "definitely taking pot holes at speed"

took him 2 hours to repair it, and the part cost £35

Jack came to see me after school, I showed him the shock from my car as dad brought it home

i said "what do you think this is?"

he said "some sort of spring?"

I said "this is what you broke on my car Jack" he looked panicked

i said "£400 this Jack! £400!!" he paled

"right ok, sorry I will transfer you the money"

i hugged him and said "wasn't £400, but it was caused by taking pot holes at speed"

he was very sorry

only driven my car 3 days!!! jesus. wasnt even like the shock was rusty and weak, it was a clean break!

he stayed for a cup of tea and caught me up with what I miss at school and I passed him my doctors note, which he will take in to school for me.

He went home then i looked online, I know he told me not to but hey I wanted to try. I managed to find a bathroom mirror and its got 101 dalmations in the bath on it! I dont care if its childish I thought it was bathroom related and quirky. I also relented and brought a christmas tree, I havent told Jack tho. Brought a pink ombre one XD I have decorations just no tree

Now I am gonna sit with Oz, as even tho I havent done loads today I still feel shattered

tomorrow me and mummy are going round a couple of home stores as there is a few bits i would like.

driven to and from work!

 Evening

I slept quite well last night even tho I had palpations all the time until falling asleep, i think it was just anxiety. I woke up 1 minute before my alarm, my body clock is awesome XD

I got ready for school just fine, had my chicken breast for breakfast which was really tasty and made a change instead of cereal.

I picked Jack up and got into the passenger seat ready to be driven to work

he got in the drivers side and I could tell he was a bit apprehensive but he did really really well I was impressed. I had to navigate despite him doing the route with me many times... but he did well :)

school was hard im not gonna lie

i was still very exhausted, it was like I hadnt had the 5 days off

i mean it wasnt as bad but i still struggled like hell.

I was warmly welcomed back by the science department tho ^^ people miss Jo ^^

the head of science said "we can tell when you're not in, you add joy to the department somehow" i thought that was a really nice comment.

I got all my work done, prepped for tomorrow and got frustrated when I felt I couldnt keep going and in the end I just laid out on the floor and worked on a picture for the star wars display.

we went home in the rain, jack drove and i tried to calm down and not stress at him cus i just wanted to get home for pain killers and a wee. I chilled out tho as its not fair to stress jack out especially as the street lights weren't on, it was dark and rainy and he hadnt driven the route before he did well tho. Apart from pulling out on a taxi at a roundabout - i saw them and told jack to slow down - he slowed a bit but still didnt look round and just went! but his instructor has said to him he cant keep taking the roundabouts at speed just because he doesnt like doing them. So that did make me somewhat nervous. Its hard giving up the control and not being in control. but it will help jack in the long run and hopefully he will be ready for his test sooner

we got home and had a cup of tea together with Ozwald then sat with the girls and mum, then I drove jack to the bungalow as it was still throwing it down.

I was leaving him to do some work ready for the freezer. 

I did 50mins of yoga and felt really stretched XD but it was nice to do in my pyjamas, i always prefer doing yoga in my pyjamas ^^

had dinner then got ready for school, talked to my brother and he found a dvd player online for me as we want a multi region one as I have a few Jpop concert dvds from Japan :)

Im gonna go get my chunk of rabbit meat now and sit with him

tomorrow is school

i hope i have a quiet and easy day

then I should be sleeping over at the bungalow

Jack should be driving again

Jack had his first go in my car! I return to work tomorrow

 Evening

So yesterday I woke up at the bungalow, we got up and did a few jobs round the house 

then we set off for asda to do our first big shop

god we were there like an hour, I was dead and Jack wanted to go argos and wilkos

he had an order to literally collect from argos so i let him get that whilst i waited - recovered - in the car and when he came back we saw the line to get into wilkos and i asked him if we could leave it. he said that would be fine. At this point it was time for Jack to drive, he would be driving us home....now insured on my car I would have to hand the keys over at some point ><

to my surprise he was actually really good, i was expecting hesitant jurky driving but no, hes done well and hes only had 12 hours of lessons so he has done really well. I had to navigate and tell him what lanes and where we were going and such but he didnt grow up this side of town so its understandable,

we got home in one piece and unloaded the sheer amount of shopping then sat down having a cup of tea which was much needed. We had lunch then I just passed out on the bed. I woke up and we went over to mum's to which she said "we were just about to head over, your dad is keen to get jobs done"

so dad and jack went over to the bungalow to do a few jobs like fit new light switches and plug sockets - am determined to change them all as theyre over 30 years old and are very very grim.....

I stayed home and went for a walk with mum, we sat with Oz for a whole hour X3

Later when dad had come home I went over to the bungalow to help Jack cook his soup for the week and to make our first meal in the bungalow together - chili turkey with rice noodles it was tasty but very hot, made Jo sweat XD

he soon zipped off to go online with his fellow nerds who he hasnt been online with in some weeks, so i stayed downstairs out the way. then decided to use Jack's speaker and played my ipod, did 15mins of dancing which made me hot and sweaty as the heating works best in the living room. But i was keen to test the space ^^ I can watch myself in the huge patio doors so it is gonna do wonders for my dancing as I can watch my movements and improve :D 

I sat and painted my nails then read in bed. Jack finished gaming at 9:15pm and went for a shower. I tried so hard to get to sleep on just 1 pain killer but I turned to him and said I was struggling so we got up and had a hot chocolate and I had a pain killer. I told him the thought of going to school tomorrow makes me want to have a panic attack.

This morning I got up with Jack but I didnt go to school with him. We said it would be best if I had another day off. I hadnt cried yesterday and had started to feel a little bit better, and thought i would have another day to rest then do the 4 day week at school. Chris turned up early to pick Jack up and Jack invited him in. I was in pyjamas, dressing gown and hadnt brushed my hair....I wasnt arsed actually I kinda gone past caring what i look like and what people think of me. Im my own worst critic so no one can beat me. 

Jack went to work and I did the pots and such and then went home

saw my girls and had a shower

then did some photoshop work for school

already I was feeling more myself, like i just felt like i was coming out of this dark hole I had landed in, and felt more myself and more awake

mum came home and we had lunch and then we took Ozwald to the bungalow for his 2nd visit, he loved it and dared to do the stairs this time. Me and mum were putting up curtains in the living room - the one room I didnt want Oz in and i turned round to see his nose coming the almost shut door and I said "what you doing Ozwald" he could hear me and mum in there and wanted in on the action and that was it then, Oz running round the living room he loved it and I couldnt bare to stop his fun. Can you believe this time next month he is 4 years old?! bless him. I love my chunk

we came home and sat and warmed up with a brew

then I wrapped some presents, I actually got a lot done, I just need to wrap dad's and jack's and mia's birthday presents then I have finished!

Jack rang me when he got in from work. We talked about school and then about the house and I could my stomach knotting. When we finished on the phone I did 40mins of yoga then did dinner for everyone, whilst my brother quizzed me on christmas i.e. what I am doing for christmas. I told him I didnt know and couldnt bare to think about it. My stomach twisted and i felt sick and i felt like I had taken a few steps back and was close to the dark hole again.

Food did not sit well in my stomach

I feel sick with anxiety about school tomorrow whereas this morning i felt positive about it all. 

I am going and mum says I can come home when i like. That jack can ask chris to bring him home. I think I will be ok. I think I can do it. I want to try at least.

So I am going to go and sit with my lad now who is probably tired from running around today XD

tomorrow is school~

here are the bookcases Nigel sold to me, the dark wood has our manga on it, I say 'our' its 95% my manga XD the white wood case is only SOME of jack's nerd books