Panic attack over a tire

 Evening

I did manage a bit of exercise last night and left the bath for Jack as he said he would be done gaming at 8:30pm. It got to 9pm and still no Jack. He came down at 9:30pm...

I said "not going to over run you said"

he smiled sheepishly as me

"an hour later Jack"

he was about to sit on the sofa and I said

"no dont you sit down, get in that bath I dont want to see you, you have displeased me"

of course I was half joking, but I was also shattered and wanted to go to bed so as soon as he came out the bath I started to get ready for bed and he said "dont you want to watch inuyasha?"

No I did not I wanted my bed and had been counting the hours til I could climb in it and thats what I did but I kept waking up to jack grinding his teeth, tossing turning and snoring T^T

I woke up feeling ok my stomach from the evening had passed, I ate breakfast and that all ended that peace and quiet. I of course died on the toilet of course I spent another 20+ minutes on the toilet before school. i came off the toilet feeling drained, I was pale and white lipped. I hate this

We dropped Ozwald off which Jack had to round in again for me

we got to school and I felt like death. Julia saw me and said "God jo you look drained"

I said "you know what, that is the exact word I would use as to how I am feeling too"

I spent another working day barely doing anything. I did decide to do some digital drawing for the first time so that felt a bit productive but on the whole it was another long day of being cold all day and in pain, lunch made it worse as well. Could not wait to come home

Jack drove us home but at one the traffic lights, a neighbouring car pointed at my front tire. I put my window down and he said "careful of that tire its looking a bit flat"

So I said thanks and such. I told Jack to be on the look out in case he felt the steering wheel pull.

I txted mum (who had said earlier that dad had come home early) that my tire might be flat could she let dad know so he could maybe check it out upon coming from Oz, I was so dead that I wasnt planning on stopping by mums.

Mum rang me saying dad was listing all the symptoms and solutions of the tire. I could hear Jack saying half sentences next to me - I think he was panicking a bit. His confidence in driving is still not great. So I had mum telling me stuff and him stressing. She said "ask Jack how it feels to drive"

So I asked

but he wasnt stringing a full sentence together

so I said to mum "I would say but hes not talking in full sentences"

Jack absolutely bit my head off. I have never known him  to speak to me like that....

mum heard it down the phone and said "ok...." I cried at that point

stress and pain and broke me.

Mum had been advising we get out the car and have a look but it was hard when I had a stressy learner driver behind the wheel and on main roads. Not gonna happen.

So we luckily got home safe. My dad was there on the drive awaiting, mum was at the front door. Dad pilled out a load of questions before I had fully got out the car, I was still crying and with dad being like that I had a panic attack right there on the drive. Mum told me to get inside, I dont even remember getting inside the house. I couldnt breathe and was hyperventilating and crying mum took me through the the lounge and got Oz for me. Dad and Jack went to look at my car. Whilst dad was busy Jack did come to the lounge window and asked if I was ok. I couldnt look at him. I was so fragile and upset.

They said there was a small hole but wasnt anything much but dad offered to go up to work and fix it for me, Jack went too. Seeing as I would be staying for a while I decided to have a brew with mum and the pigs and Oz which did help. But my stomach felt in such a knot. I knew Id have to eat when I got home but didnt want it. Whats the point? it will only go through me and give me pain.

They came back and my car was at good as new. I thanked dad and he said it was nothing to get upset about. No it wasnt. I wasnt upset about a tire. It was the situation and how I have nothing more to give. I am tired and in pain and can literally handle no more. Today was breaking point. Still shows that I cant cope well mentally.

We got home and did dinner which gave me awful stomach pain. If someone told me that my intestines had burst then I would have believed them. Pain was truly truly bad. I tried to go toilet but nothing happened. I was just meant to suffer.

Tonight me and jack were suppose to do yoga but I cant even stand up right im in that much pain, im weak and tired so I am about to have a bath at 8pm then go to bed. 

I AM DONE

I could have quite easily have cried and gone back to bed when I got up this morning and to be honest I wish I had done that.

Jack insists on staying and keeping me company tonight. God knows why as I am not good company right now. We are just spending time inside with Oz. 

Tomorrow is another endurance test at work

Just another stomach issue day

 Evening

I managed a bit of a work out last night and felt better for it. I was looking forward to my nice hot bath but once I got in I suddenly remembered I was suppose to txt matt as he needs to order our new radiators for Friday! So all I could think about was txting him and not forgetting to txt him. Basically I didnt get to enjoy my bath as I soon hopped out so I could do this radiator thing >< Not fair!

I did have Oz in later than usual tho which was nice.

I was in bed early too which I was grateful for as I needed sleep, but woke up a few times as jack was snoring, grinding his teeth, moving a lot. He obviously doesnt know or mean too but it still disturbs me. I know when he is stressed as thats his sleep behaviour whereas usually hes quiet. The whole GSCE in school is stressing him out.

This morning I was planning on sitting with the massager before school. That did not happen. Heck I didnt even see Oz! I had to go toilet twice!!! I spent 25mins on that bugger this morning!! Literally dying.

It was a horrid way to start my day and when I came out the bathroom I was practically sheet white.

School, my god, school wasnt even bad but because I had literally digested nothing and I had such a bad start to the day I was just weak and dizzy and shattered. It was crap. I like my job but its such an endurance to get through the whole damn day T^T

hardly did anything, well feel like I hardly did anything. Just everything is hard work and feels like I am dragging my body along. It sucks. I also had real bad stomach pains on the drive into school, poor jack driving whilst I was in a ball on the seat. Got into school and was just in a ball in the office. Only Julia saw so its fine.

we came out of school and mum was meeting us at home with Ozwald, I hadnt seen him as Jack had released him as usual but usually I pick him up and put him in carrying case but have a cuddle and fuss of him or bring him in if it raining, but Jack rounded him up this morning to save us time as I was stuck on the toilet. So it was nice to see my Oz. And see mum of course ^^

I did dinner which I wasnt feeling in the mood for but got it done and it was really nice ^^ I would do it again but I make food differently everytime I feel XD

Then we sat with Oz inside as its raining for the first time in ages so he doesnt want to play outside and I dont blame him, not when he could be dry inside frisking us for treats.

I plan on doing a quick easy video just to loosen my body as I feel I have been tense all day then I will have a bath, Jack is having the bath after me and hopefully get another early night :)

tomorrow just school really nothing special.

just hope I digest food and dont waste half my morning on the toilet. Literally dont have time

im hoping that this blood test on 12th may will reveal something like I need more thyroid tablet or iron, something thats a quick and easy fix to make me not feel so much like death.

I held a blackbird :D

 Evening

I 35mins of working out last night, followed by a good pampering ^^ including my nails

I was hoping Jack would finish gaming early so I could have an early night for school, and just as I thought that at 9:10pm he came downstairs! I was very happy ^^

Still took me a while to actually sleep tho >.>

This morning was just a normal morning of getting ready for school and dropping Oz off, Jack does a lot better in the mornings now than what he used to when I first met him, he actually looks happy and smiles and talks :) 

We got to school and met Julia walking in

my day was ok, I mean Jack was fairly stressed with the GCSE's coming in and our responsibilities with them which I tried to help with but he did do a lot him self as he had a system that I feel he just wanted to do himself and not have it go wrong. However, it did go wrong and he was stressy

At 3:20pm Luke and another biologist came up to me saying, "we have an issue that I think it's a Jo problem" I wasnt sure what they were gonna say

"theres a black bird on the stairway near science"

did not see that coming

so I went off with them both, and yes, there was indeed a bird sitting on the higher window ledge on the stair case. So I went running upstairs to where I knew I stored away the net catchers.

came back with net catchers, Jack came and tried to catch it but made it fly higher up the windows to the top ledge. No one would be able to get that without ladders. He left me and Luke with it and walked off. Luke decided to throw the net - javelin style - at the bird which made it fly up the stairs to the next floor. where it went full pelt at a window. With a proper bang the poor thing. I went running up and we decided to try open the windows, however I could that it was starting to get spooked, its eye was closing from where it hit the window and its little heart was racing. I decided to just lunge for it and I did get it!! I swivelled the net round and me and Luke walked outside to the play ground with it.

I gently uncovered the bird but it didnt move. I dont know if it was exhausted or dazed or in shock or a combo, but I picked it up and said I would take it to bushes. Luke said to throw it up in the air let the wind and instinct take it. So I did and it did flap, for about 5 seconds and came back down into the shade and stayed on the floor, another bird went to it. Luke said it was job done as the bird clearly needed rest and to gather it's self.

I was well happy about it all tho. I got to hold a wild black bird!! it was so light too. I was happy I had managed to release it and it was hopefully gonna be ok.

we left a few mins late cus I was waiting for Jack to stop faffing. But when he came round the corner I could tell he was stressed. He said "I am done let get out of here"

I drove back home tho as I wanted to get home but also could tell his mind was else where

we picked Oz up and went to have a cup of tea outside on the picnic blanket with him.

Well I say tea, Jack had rum X3 He said it was needed, which is fine I just wanted him to relax and be happy.

We did dinner and it came out better than I thought as I managed to make a sauce from meat juices, love experimenting with food 

Now I am gonna do my exercises but not too much. Then I will bath then see Ozwald. He is happy having later evenings outside now its lighter for longer outside. It is also a bit warm in the house at times for him.

Tomorrow

Just school really nothing exciting. My bacteria should be coming in this week tho.

saw the guys for the first time this year

 Evening

I did an hour of yoga last night! I would say it was gentle yoga tho as I wasnt out of breath or sweating, I did not want to sweat as I didnt want to wash my hair >< 

I did half the yoga with Oz, the other half I booted him outside XD he was round me too much and was hungry so I let him have a late evening outside which I think he did enjoy :)

I asked Jack for attention. I did try to wait for 10pm. It was 9:10pm when I wanted attention, I managed to wait a whole 30 mins XD til I caved in and asked for attention, as he wasnt playing with anyone he was fine coming off, so we did have a bit of an early night. However it still seemed to take me past 11pm to get to sleep I think that was because I had rested and slept so much during the day ><

This morning I woke up and thought the time was 8:30am but it was actually in the region of 6am....so I got up for nothing -_____- I tried to get back to sleep after I had gotten up for a wee and to do my teeth, I laid there next to jack for 30mins but it was no use, I was aching and gave up. We both got up. Even tho it was early he didnt complain once and in fact we both got some chores done before we went shopping! He hoovered the whole house and I did the bathroom~

we went food shopping and was all done and dusted in 40mins

we unpacked when we got back and then had a brew, we did my soup together, whilst it cooked I cleaned Oz out, he helped a bit with it :) but in all honesty he has done very little today >.>

after lunch we went to go meet Harvey and Theo, we walked round the park with them and then went to Harveys back garden for a quick drink as it has been warm again. It was good to see them. Guys just make fun of one another all the time XD Harvey offered us a house tour, I know you shouldnt go to one another's houses right now but we felt a quick house tour wouldnt hurt. I noticed the little bits that were different from last year. And I mean little. He has had his house longer than us and we have done like the whole house! He hasnt done much at all in comparison. Its still very raw looking like nothing painted or proper flooring. But he seems ok about it. I on the other hand needed to make my house feel like a home ASAP as I didnt feel settled or relaxed. But thats just me. 

The mess on the other hand....whilst we were walking harvey said he had tidied up yesterday and that the house was still tidy. His version or tidy is clearly very different XD  there was no surface area that was available for use! clutter everywhere and clothes, stuff from easter, pots, their stuff. Yeah I couldnt live there. Even Jack came away and said the same things! and said he much prefers how we live and our home. What harvey had decorated was very him which I liked. its retro looking in places, bit nerdy in another and a bit arty in another. yes I like how its not conventional.

we came away around 3pm as I had had enough and couldnt sit in those outdoor seats.  On the way home tho, I said a snide remark about jack's driving as he was driving and I know I stress him out time to time being a bad passenger and I had asked him to drive today, as it was good practice for him to drive somewhere thats not to the supermarket or work. He instantly snapped back and I managed to stay quiet the rest of the journey as he threatened to pull over and let me drive ><

I got out the car and went for a wee when I got in, then went to jack as he laid on the sofa and cuddled him and apologised. He instantly apologised back. I got a bit upset. I felt awful. I had said something critical about his driving for no reason. It was said out of pain and tiredness and a need to get home fast. I should have kept my thoughts to my self. It was wrong and I felt horrible. So i was very sorry and shedded a few tears. Jack said it wasnt worth getting upset over and that he understood why I came out with it. He knows how I get. So we were all good as we went and sat outside with Oz and a brew.

Honestly we wouldnt be good in a argument or anything as we dont cope well with being mad or hurtful towards one another! best way to be ^^

We sat out with Oz til dinner, I did dinner and then got stuff ready for school, chose a nail design for later and got Oz inside, I did sit and fuss him but its a bit warm inside for him right now so I have let him go outside for an evening play which I know he enjoys. I just like to make sure he gets attention as well :)

I am going to do about 20 mins of exercise as I do not want to overdo it for work, I did a walk earlier so its not like I havent done anything.

Then I am going to enjoy my bath and pamper myself ^^ hair oil and face sheet~

tomorrow

school again T^T cant believe how fast the weekend goes by, but all well. sure I will get through it all somehow :)

first hair cut of the year, such a treat to be tidy

 Evening~~

I managed 35mins of exercise last night which wasnt too bad once I got into it.

I had a good hot bath which made me pant XD

Jack was late coming downstairs by 15mins - not realising the time, he apologised but it was ok, had it been a school night I would have had more to say but it wasnt worth it. His eyes looked awful tho like he hadnt blinked in the 4 hours he had been gaming.....

we were in bed for 11pm and I was just done, think it took me minutes to get to sleep and I slept through til 8am and that was without sleeping tablets!

This morning we had an easy morning, apart from dying on toilet and Jack kindly helped me wash my hair over the bath so I wouldnt need to shower, I still go to the hair dressers with wet hair as I do not like other people doing it.

I also had my weekly weigh in, I have lost 0.5kg so I am now 63.1kg, to say I havent been able to exercise as hard and I have still lost, its an achievement. But what was more of an achievement to me was that I have go up 1% of muscle!!! woo! so I am at 44% now! I feel more progress with gaining muscle than losing weight

My god the luxury of having my hair cut!!!!! I did stick to having a good inch off and she put my layers back in and shaped the front it was amazing. I had brought her flowers before my appointment and I was glad I had as she had earned em~

I went straight to mum's taking her a bouquet of flowers also and my dad some chocolates.

she kindly dyed my hair for me using 'light golden brown' hair dye I had in the cupboard, I would have had a lighter colour but I need to use my stock. It came out quite dark tho I mean it is light brown but it had really taken as my hair had gone quite strawberry blond! I also cut truffles fur and she let me, doesnt like mum doing it but lets me X3 and she looked so much better ^^ I washed my hair dye out and went home to jack as in 40mins time he had a driving lesson.

we ate lunch together watching fruits basket then he went for his 2 hour driving lesson.

I on the other hand went to bed. I slept for 90mins, got up and went to lay in the sun on my picnic blanket with Ozwald, waiting for Jack to come home.

He came back and we had tea outside he told me hes ready to book his test! so no more lessons until he can get a test and the waiting line is longggg. I suggested going for a walk, I was tired and happy were I was an Oz seemed happy I didnt want to put him home.

Jack said "we dont have to go for a walk"

I said "I feel like I need to be doing something tho"

he said "sitting outside with me and Oz IS doing something"

and yeah he is right, he said it is ok to relax, and yes he is right!

so we sat out for almost 2 hours just in the sun lazing around really, it was nice as it was perfect temperature.

We came in to do food, I cooked whilst Jack had a shave and shower.

we had food and I thought I would try my new UV red heat lamp, my goodness it is hot!!! 

after sitting in front of it for 15mins I ended up dying on the toilet. Life is not fair T^T

Jack groomed Oz outside as he is losing his 2020 coat. So thats me who had a hair cut, truffs had a cut, jack had a shave, Oz had a groom. We've all been tidied up today!

I have bought Oz inside now :) Hes having a hop round and demanding more treats everytime someone comes through the door -_____- hes a treat fiend.

I plan to do some gentle yoga after this and then maybe some drawing, not sure. I havent touched my drawing in a while ><

Tomorrow

we have the weekly food shop, few chores as usual and then after lunch we should be meeting Harvey and Theo for a walk in the park as we are allowed to do that now so that should be nice as not actually seen them this year!

he actually licked his wee

 Evening

I started doing my work out last night, seeing as Oz had nothing but laid down all evening and my exercises were slow floor ones, I figured I could do my exercises with him.

No

Just no

What turned from a 10 min exercise video was about 25mins by time I had finished. That was all because Oz thought I was doing everything on the floor for him and that he wanted fuss when I am doing exercises, then cus I wasnt giving him as much fuss as he liked,he thought he would go toilet which was great as it was on his sheeting, however he did a wee which I thought "Ill get that up in a min when I have finished" til I watched him licking at his wee puddle.............

-__________________________________________-

seriously Oz!?

just grim, so I made him go along his way and the cleaned that up, ahhhhhhhhhh rabbits

I took him home after 1 10min video and did the other 10min video in peace

so I only did 20 mins and they were the videos I usually use for warmup but I struggled to do them in my exhausted state, however I did feel better for doing them and was grateful I could do them.

We were in bed for 10pm as I was just done, it took me a while to get off to sleep and this morning when my alarm went off I felt I could have slept for much longer.

school was tiring once again, I got what I needed to get done, done. I managed the A-level practical which wasnt that hard. I had a hot chocolate at work that jack made for me as i needed it. its the same one I have at home sometimes thats made with water. I missed having Julia there. Year 11 left today so I no longer have their lessons to prep

Mum bought Oz over for us, we sat in the garden on the picnic blanket in the sun drinking tea which was nice and it was nice to see mummy.

we did dinner which was just reheating leftovers out the freezer, god bless that freezer.

I died. Food killed me. It killed me after breakfast this morning, to which I spent almost 15mins on the toilet. I had stomach ache all morning then it was made worse by lunch. Then real bad stomach pains after dinner to which I was in a ball for about 45mins

life sucks. Like I dont suffer enough. 

So now I am inside with Oz who is snoring like really snoring --______-- what will I do with him....

depending on how my stomach feels depends on if I can manage some exercises.

tomorrow

oh my god tomorrow, its my hair cut and it feels like an actual treat like a present.

My hair is as long as my bra strap and covers my nipples. never thought it would be so long. I thought I wanted it this long, I have been growing it for years so achieve this length but I am actually not enjoying it. Its TOO long. I am finding it hard to manage. So I would like a good inch taken off and my layers put back in too. My appointment is at 10:30am then I will go straight to mum's as she will dye my hair for me ^^ just a wash in colour to freshen it up and make it soft. I will also be cutting Truffle's fur as its gone a bit crazy again. Then I will come home and Jack has a driving lesson at 1:30pm for 2 hours so I will be home alone for a bit, I have no idea what I will do but I will entertain myself somehow I am sure.

CAN NOT WAIT FOR HAIR CUT!!!

Just exhausted on my first week back

 Evening

Last night both me and Jack did yoga! It was a first, and it went well we did a good half hour. Jack actually did really well. His body cracked a lot like it was protesting XD

We had baths and then watched Inuyasha together and went to bed, I didnt take a sleeping tablet but I was out like a light. I was tired.

I could have easy gone back to sleep after my alarm this morning but school awaits

I struggled to get Oz, I made him jump and he ran behind my cabinet in the garage so I couldnt get him. I put my shoes on and as we were leaving I thought I would check where he is and if he was in the same place then I would have to leave him and txt mum to ask her to collect him in a bit but he has stepped out of it so I scooped him up and took him mum's. Bunny is more stress than its worth! 

School was difficult on me. As once again my pain killers did nothing all day. So I am cold and in pain and it took such a toll on my body. I think I slept for half hour in the corner I just couldnt function. I felt awful that I had done that but I guess its that or go home for the entire day. 

The whole day I was tired tho I had a few people say I looked tired, cus I was!

I managed to get a fair bit done tho but not as much as I liked and it stressed me out but Jack is there to calm me down and lift my spirits.

We collected Oz from mum as I didnt want to stay or have her over as I couldnt be bothered to speak. So we got home, I had a lot of pain relief, a sweet cup of tea and laid out in the warm sun on my picnic blanket. I had Oz hopping on it a few times X3 

We did dinner which didnt take a lot of doing then I laid on the sofa conked out really jack had to wake me otherwise I wouldnt sleep tonight >< I am now inside with my Oz who looks as tired as I do

I will do a few exercises when he is home but not much as I am not up to it!

Tomorrow

is friday and thank bloody god! I have a lot to do tho as Julia is going to a funereal so shes not in, we are covering for her, I am also having ago at another A-level practical but its with Luke so theres no pressure XD