crippled but got another tree up XD

 Evening

So last night I was feeling vulnerable to my thoughts, Jack was gaming and I didnt want to bother him again so I went outside to Oz and I rang my mum for half hour whilst fussing Ozwald outside. It was good to talk to her, held back the tears a few times. Just very fragile yeseterday

I stayed out a further 15mins with Oz, I couldnt have him in as he had been playing where we had been digging up the earth therefor he had paws caked with mud, there was no way I was bringing him in! 

So I put him home with his treat, came inside and literally 5mins later tears flowed steadily down my face. I didnt want to be alone so I went to get Jack who immediately left his game with Harvey and Theo when he saw I was upset. He cuddled me on the sofa and we sat watching Inuyasha with hot chocolate

I was ok but got to bed and tears flowed again. Honestly poor Jack had a wet shirt by the end of it!

I was laying there worrying about the night, thinking id just take more pain killers - not normally an issue I just blank my feelings and get on with it, whereas last night I was hating the fact I was on medication, needing medication, hating my life etc

He cuddled me and we kinda drifted off to sleep like that

I woke up at 1am for a wee but slept from there

We had an easy morning and set off at 9:30am to Jack's mum's for his sisters birthday

I drove, got stressed due to road closers so therefor I had no idea where the hell I was going!!! But we got there and I was aching like mad. I ache big style from pulling that tree up yesterday T^T

We stayed for almost 3 hours, we had tea and cake and his sister really liked the card I did for her and her present of korean snacks - which was my idea ^^

We came home for lunch then I went to lay down for an hour as I felt like crying I was in that much pain. When I woke up I went outside to help Jack. we have cleared more land. I went to the centre of our garden where there is a tree stump long long dead and some plants and a hella lot of weeds. I got the tree stump up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it took minutes as well much to my surprise as I thought it would have mega roots. It is dead but has the circumference of a dinner plate so I was pleased with that. Jack told me to stop at this point

I am now struggling to bend up and down and my muscles and joints hurt. I have truly overdone it ^^; I should leave these things alone but I want to help Jack and I want to do the garden ><

We came in and I ran a very hot bath, felt dizzy XD but it was good and then I sat with the massager and did some what revive me. 

I did the dinner which was a slightly different pasta dish.

Then I had a quick 10mins on the bed, got up and did some more on my digital drawing

getting there.

I wanted to varnish my drawers but its still wet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh

Tomorrow

for the next 3 days we have got to go to Jack's mum's to go let the rabbits out and feed the cat whilst theyre away so that will be a bit of chore but we've tried to think of things to do

so tomorrow we were gonna go for a 7mile walk round Jack's mum's but its not a good forecast so that may be wednesday and tomorrow we just do the shops round his mum's. We shall see.

stupid thing to do

 Evening

So last night Jack went out, I had my Ozwald in for a good hour then I pretty much went to bed as I had a bad headache, tired and nothing to stay up for really so was in bed for 9:50pm~

I woke up to the sound of Jack coming in which was 2:45am....wow Jack XD I listened for about 5mins to make sure he was ok then fell asleep til 7:30am and needed a wee so I got up. Jack was awake! So I made him his hangover breakfast of marinated bacon with melted cheese on top in bread~ and a coffee, actimel and chocolate covered coffee beans. He was sated. 

He said he hadnt drink that much and didnt feel too bad

I drove us to the supermarket, we got two streets away from the house and I was driving along when a car was doing a turn and decided to pull out onto my road without looking. I got hit....I felt sick. I heard the noise and I thought "my dad is gonna kill me" me and the 17 year old looking driver got out and we assessed damage. My car had received no damage....like nothing had happened. No painted work missing or dent. My heart was hammering and the driver apologised and asked if I was ok. I looked at his car and there was a huge scuff on his car, how did mine receive nothing? I said "its fine" Jack and I both got in the car and drove off. He asked if I was ok. I said my stomach has just flipped, I needed to get away and pretend none of that happened. I didnt think that driver was gonna stop to look tho so I was already swirving into the other side of the road and good job I did as it would have been miles worse. Not sure if I am gonna tell any family members yet tho just one of those stupid things to happen

but going round the supermarket I felt he was more hungover than he was letting on. His stomach was off which is a sign that Jack's body hasnt appreciated the alcohol. So I had my suspicions. He later said "thinking about it, think I had 10 drinks".....yeah that sounds right. Not that Im bothered what or how much he drinks. I let him get on with it. As long as hes safe and having a nice time :)

by 12pm I had done food shop for the week, made biscuits, cleaned the bathroom, made soup for the week my god what a total pro. I got loads done and my soup is better this week too~ I went to bed for an hour after lunch

when I got up Jack was gaming with harvey and theo

I went to go varnish my drawers but realised some of it is still wet!!!!!!!!!!!!  How can it be wet days later. But I did throw a fair bit of paint at it XD

So as I couldnt do that I thought I would go out and do some gardening. I started doing some weeding then saw the tree stump that Jack said wasn't gonna budge or come out

challenge accepted

i spent about 45mins getting that out

I had sweat dripping on the floor from my face

I dug a deep hole and got the tree stump loose and the last root I had to saw off as it goes under our neighbours fence so I didnt want to cause damage. I was so satisfied getting this tree out that I went to get Jack and he was impressed but also concerned. Not sure why he was concerned.

an hour later I felt like I had been hit by a car. I thought

"what have I done?"

"why did I have dig like mad for an hour!?"

"I cant exercise as I feel like death"

"I am fat and cant exercise"

"I wont be able to sleep tonight cus of aches and thoughts"

I started to get worked up....Jack was still gaming and I hugged his legs and hid my tears but I think he knew something was up as I tend to leave him when gaming but I just needed to not be alone with my thoughts. He came straight off his game without even seeing my tears

we went on the sofa and he made everything ok. Told me to go get a warm bath and sit with the massager and just do nothing. That I had done enough exercise today just by digging. So I did feel better, got a bath, sat with massager and I did chill out.

did dinner, had Ozwald in and now just doing my diary. Got to do some digital drawing.

I hope I sleep tonight, my god do I hope I sleep

tomorrow

we are popping over to Jack's mum's in the morning as its his youngest sisters birthday she will be 16 and I said it would be nice to go see her. Then we will come home for lunch and just do whatever. We've said Im not doing any more digging or weeding, only planting and pruning ^^;

Jo is bridesmaid, and Jack's club foot

 Evening

I slept much better, took a sleeping tablet and made Jack wear more than his boxers to bed so he wouldnt be constantly trying to get his temperature right with the duvet >.> so yeah I did sleep a hella lot better!

I woke up at 6am needing a wee but thought "forget it" so when I woke up at 7:45am man did I hafta go!

I went for a walk with Mia at 9:30am which was nice as I havent seen her since her engagement! and the whole 90min walk was about marriage....which was tiring after a bit but I had foreseen such a thing would happen so knew to expect it

I came back exhausted and in need of tea and a biscuit

I sat round and rested for a bit then we had lunch then I dived into bed

Didnt do a great deal when i was up, I cleaned Oz out and did some more digital drawing

Then I had tea and fruit loaf with Jack, but I thought he would need to get over to Harvey's cus of the night out and despite Jack asking on 3 occasions this week "when shall I come over" Harvey didnt know but at 4:45pm he text saying "is 8pm ok?" so I didnt need to have had a bath at 4pm and got dinner ready early..men honestly. cant they organise anything!? and none of them know where theyre going tonight! Its harvey's birthday so I hope he gets first pick.

we had dinner then I went over to my parents house cus if I waited til after I had dropped Jack off (original plan) there would be no time so I did it in reverse order

it was good to see mum and my brother. My dad can never say anything nice or he just sits there monging out. I have no idea why he even sits round us. 

I came back to take Jack to Harveys, he drove and we parked up in a carpark near Harveys as its easy place to swap over drivers. I noticed once Jack had gone he had left his wallet in the door.....so I then drove to Harveys and Jack was about 3 metres away from harveys house. I pipped my horn and did my window and passed his wallet. He didnt even realise he hadnt got it. I said "you ow me, massively" 

he is more trouble than hes worth and I was sure to tell him this also then pulled away XD

I hope he has a nice night. He says hes not gonna drink too much as hes got his trapped nerve back. Did it today whilst gardening. He had it during first lock down were he can move his leg but not pick his foot up so he sounds like he has a club foot. It took about a year for the nerve to heal....so I am gutted the same thing has happened again he seems more chill about it than me. But he has fallen over already once today so he doesnt want to drink a lot and end up tripping over big style

what am I gonna do with him,

I came home and got Oz in, he helped me make Jack's nest for tonight. Jack insists on sleeping on the sofa tonight. So I have made it comfy for him.

Not sure what I will do tonight. its 8:50pm now. Cant say I am fussed about staying up. Got nothing to stay up for. Might try sleep early. got the whole bed to myself~~~

It was confirmed today that I am, indeed, Mia's bridesmaid 

along with her older sister and cousin

Jo is bridesmaid..............massively honoured and anxious XD 

did some gardening, the start of my picture

 Evening

So last night, I could not sleep

I mean I had slept for a while during the day but I did push myself to work out, took extra pain killers before bed. Couldnt sleep as I ached, I was also having 'fat' thoughts. And also.....Jack.....wished for his death during the night. He was just tossing over like every 10mins and snoring, chewing on his teeth and just generally breathing. I was getting so annoyed by it all. I tried coming to bed twice but just wanted to murder him or overdose. 3rd time I went to bed at 2:45am and slept

I had had a biscuit, 2 slices of fruit loaf. I was hungry man. But felt greedy for eating but it had been 7 hours since I last ate anything

Woke up at 8:45am and got up as I knew mum wanted to drop off her heart monitor thing. Did not want to get up and was shocked to see Jack STILL asleep! I left him before I smothered him with a pillow XD

I went with mum around 10am to drop off her heart monitor we were so fast~

came home and had a brew with mummy and Jack I also ate a biscuit as today I have just consumed biscuits and fruit loaf XD doesnt do the fat thoughts any good tho T^T but I gotta have some treats!

the 3 of went outside to do some gardening for a good hour. Man did I ACHE after that

we were just literally weeding. Nothing we can do to the garden or the drive til the sheer amount of weeds have gone. We are getting there. 4 bags have been filled. Like 100 litre bags. A lot of weeds...

the best thing was that mum found a caterpillar I mean I assume it was a caterpillar it was the size and width of my little finger....IT WAS HUGE and stuck to my gardening gloves like velcro, it had some sticky feet! it was black with a white tummy. Maybe it could have been a dragonfly in the making? not sure

Mum went home for lunch and we had hours then I practically ran to bed to sleep. I was shattered and aching. So had an hour in bed then got up and didnt do too much, mainly looked at art on my phone and then had a brew and fruit loaf by myself as Jack was gaming with Theo.

Then at 4pm I decided to do my work out, did an hour of grow with Jo. Sweated so damn much! it was good tho but by 40mins I had had enough just wanted it to end. I could keep going I just didnt want to. But did it. However before I started Jack came downstairs and announced he was gonna do some more weeding....I said "where's theo gone?" he said "still online" I said "wait, youve left gaming to garden?....." he said "well you're working hard I felt like I should do something"

I about fell over is shock. This never happens. He normally games til dinner. I can workout all I want and he wont do anything. So I did find this very odd Jack behaviour to say the least. He was out there the whole hour I worked out. Then I had a bath and he had it after me. We did dinner and then he went to go play dungeons and dragons. I made a start on next week's meal plans and shopping list.

now I should be digitally drawing >< I know I should. Even if I just do a bit its better than nothing I guess.

God I hope I sleep tonight tho T^T I will just launch Jack through a small window, at speed, if he keeps me awake. He says "you should wake me!" Im like "I try! and sometimes you speak so I dont know if youre actually awake or not!!"

tomorrow~

saturday~ not got anything planned

Jack is going out drinking as it is Harvey's 29th Birthday tomorrow, a fellow 92' baby~

So I will be home alone all night but thats fine

we will probably do some gardening in the day I imagine. I said I would see mum when Jack goes out. I will take him over to Harveys

this is how far I am with my first drawing for Mia....not far at all T^T

long day of putting stuff off

 Evening

I slept pretty ok, it did take me a while to get off to sleep simply because my mind was telling me how fat I was just for taking a day off exercise. I did eventually sleep but woke up at 6am and got up at 6:30am as my alarm was set for 6:45am anyway and I was getting fed up of waiting for it to go off

Did not want to get up but we both did

I had breakfast and got all ready to go out and picked mum at 7:30am

I drove us to the hospital and dropped her off, I read a chapter of the boo Jack lent me in the car and then went to pick mum up once she summoned me

she said that luckily we can drop the heart recorder thing off anytime tomorrow it doesnt have to be 8am again ^^ I dropped her off home so she could go to work. I came home and had a brew and a biscuit

then god knows what I did all morning, I went to bed at some point

felt pretty flat all day really been in bed a couple of times too

been putting off doing my drawers but got the painting done they just need varnishing now. I literally threw paint at them in the end and I actually like how they turned out as they are messy XD

they are gonna take some drying tho before I can varnish....

Dinner and lunch was easy so not really had to cook today but did make biscuits cus I ate all of them today XD

I have found an hour long video with the grow with jo channel its 4.5 miles and I think I am gonna tackle that tonight but putting it off XD I will get it done ><

need to do some digital drawing too

just putting off everything TT^TT dont know whats up with me

but I will get stuff done I guess

tomorrow

gonna drop that thing off at the hospital with mummy

then she said she would help do some gardening with us 

got drawers to do but dont think they will be dry

so yeah just see how the day goes

went to the city centre and looking and toddler stuff

 Evening

I couldnt sleep, I ached A LOT from doing that workout + usual aches

Jack was almost crushing my also >.> jerk XD So I got up to overdose and eat a cookie and stayed up til 1am. I fell asleep then.

I woke up at 7:45am to find Jack awake, we got up and got ready to go out!

We did in fact go the city centre today, we were there for 9:20am and it was so quiet

like corona has killed the shopping industry in my opinion. No one around

also no one wearing masks like hardly anyone. Truly corona is over >.> idiots

So we shopped round for like 3 hours without a break T^T I was so tired and achy

I got new gold earrings ^^ some cucumber body wash, christmas presents, and just other bits and pieces, nothing special to be honest. We looked round the oriental supermarket and I looked at all sorts of ingrediants, we picked up some cheap noodles for Jack and big bottles of soy sauce that was the same price I pay for diddy bottles in the supermarket! other stuff I wanted to try you had to consume within 7 days and I knew it wouldnt all get used :/ 

I didnt think about my anxiety - as I never do. But I was actually really good today, didnt need the inhaler and I was alright to be honest. Its a win ^^

We got home at 12:20 and I pretty much ate and laid on my bed for an hour I didnt sleep tho, I just needed time to rest as I was quite dead at this point

When i got up I found Jack outside weeding with Oz who was enjoying the company, Oz loves gardening XD so I kept them both company for a bit then went to mum's for a cup of tea. I sat with her for a couple of hours, sat with the girls for a bit too which was nice :) 

I came home and did dinner

Then had a shower, now just on my laptop looking at children's stuff. Me and my friend are gonna send each other stuff. She lives in Tokyo with her husband and 2 year old and I thought it would be nice to send some children's clothes and books :) Feels weird looking at kids stuff as I dont think I have ever had to buy for a toddler before! 

Now I might do some drawing, it aint gonna do it's self. Ive just been helping my cousin with patchwork. she wants to make a quilt. so I was helping her with instructions and did the math for her too :) if she lives closed id happily teach her. I hope she is successful but I dont think she quite appreciates the sheer work and neatness required to make a quilt. I kept suggesting to practice first or start small like a cushion cover, but no ^^;

tomorrow

gotta get up at like 6:45am at the latest as I need to take mummy to the hospital. She just needs something hooked up to her heart for 24 hours. They cant seem to lower her blood pressure and shes not over weight or smokes and hardly drinks. I said I would take her but yeah not looking forward to it. Not sure what i will do the rest of the day. I guess get on with my drawers as theyre just sitting next to me unfinished ><

I have had a day off from exercising as I did like 3 hours of walking this morning and I did a lot yesterday so I feel I should rest my body. Yet in doing this my mind has condemned me as being chronically overweight TT^TT it is not fair. One rest day and I have no end of thoughts about how much weight I will put on because of this. But I know even if I gave in and did some exercise it probably wont make the noise go away so I am not gonna fall for it! Im gonna have a hot chocolate later too, balls to it.

did 80min work out

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, it was nice to go to bed with Jack again :)

I woke up at 8:20am and got up straight away despite my achy muscles protesting against such acts of cruelty 

Got all ready to go with a cute outfit and scoffed breakfast to try get out the house for 9am

for Jack to turn round at 9:10am and say "yeah my stomach isnt good. I dont trust that Im gonna be ok"

he had off stomach after food last night, we both had stomach ache from it laying heavy but Jack kept having to go to the toilet. Looks like it continued through to the morning. I mean my stomach was unhappy and noisy and I had to use the toilet twice but Jack ended up going 3 times in the morning

so it was probably for the best that we didnt go out

however I was slightly peeved that I had rushed, got ready THEN found out

so I got undressed into comfy clothes and did some work on my drawers, started a digital drawing

wrote my list of things to do, changed the bed, made biscuits, ordered skin care

and just felt flat really. Didnt want to waste my day but felt so unmotivated as well

I had lunch then went to bed, I wasnt even particularly tired I just didnt want to be awake and have to think or watch time go by.

I got up and hour later and Jack tried to give me attention but I didnt want to talk. I told him I just felt flat and stuff. He said to maybe do some dancing as I said I wondered if I just needed to get the energy flowing.

So he left the living room, I brought my laptop through and got up the 'grow with jo' 5 mile video! It was 80mins long and I did it with weights attached to my arms and legs~ It was alright, I was running out of energy on the last 20mins if I am honest. But kept with it and kept the weights on. I was sweaty but not out of breath.

I announced to Jack I had done my work out and when he came downstairs I told him what I did and he was impressed. He made me a cup of tea and it was amazing

We then prepped for the stew tomorrow morning and then I did dinner which was ramen~

I then had a much needed bath, noodles makes me sweat as youre sat with a broth and it makes you very warm! So I didnt want to wash to only sweat again

Then I sat with a face sheet on which had been in the fridge! it was so cold to put on my face ><

Now its 7:45pm not sure what to do I know I should be ether painting my drawers or doing digital art but all I want to do is go to bed ><

Jack is gaming with harvey and theo but said he will come off before 10pm so we can watch anime and go to bed together :) literally the only time we have seen each other today has been for food

so tomorrow

i bloody hope we go to the city centre. I wanna go out. I know my muscles are gonna hurt like a bitch tomorrow XD