Evening~
Last night I had the best night's sleep like ever
I had had a massage at Karen's so I was feeling looser
I took a sleeping tablet
and mum came up with ingenious idea of lighting a candle oil burner and burning lavender oil
lavender is a calming scent
So I layed there and it didn't take long for sleep to come to me
I woke up a lil when mum came in to blow the candle out
but at that moment i realized how relaxed and pain free my body was
it was so loose, floppy, relaxed, still and felt fluid
i didnt want to move, i did want to cry tho
this is what a normal body feels like. i havent felt normal since i was 18
so ive forgotten what 'normal' feels like
why cant i just have that body, my life would be so move easier and happier
I could not wake this morning
i was fighting to wake up
but thats sleeping pills for you
i slept through the night and had a very vivid dream, i was guy actually
which isnt totally out of the norm for my dreams XD
This morning I did bugger all
i didnt feel like doing anything nor did i want to
so i read really and watched an episode of anime
Mum did me some lunch cus if it was up to me i was gonna skip
then we went out to a few shops and to donate some fabric and wool
to my old college, saw my old college teacher which was nice she looked well
and has had a child since ive been to college!! impressive
this is a different college from the one im studying my TA course
Mum then treated me to cake and earl grey tea whilst we were out ^^
I came home and went straight to bed and didnt get up til 5pm
depression is making me tired
i got up tho and made a lil container from fabric for mum she wanted
then thats been my fantastic day
im going into the city center tomorrow with mum
which will be alright, im gonna pick up another £5 hoodie and make it
unicorn themed for mia
here are my nails for this week
black cat inspired and my little finger is a mouse!
Evening
I slept pretty bad
my thoughts getting the better of me
im on a thin thread
and when that thread snaps im unsure whether i will
cry or rage
mum says she can see me struggling despite me trying my best to cover it up
Anyway it was college today
and i could not be bothered to get up but I did :/
the only thing that keeps me going there is knowing just turning up to class
i get units ticked off = me having to do less coursework and writing!
I couldnt be arsed with myself
i put a tiny bit of concealer on and pink mascara and that was it
went for a pink and black theme today with a splash of orange~
I arrived and sat with the group of woman i usually sit with
one of them said to me shes got a job! so thats 2 out of our class 14 that have got jobs!
makes it look promising for the rest of us :)
i just hope im the not the last one to get a job!
The morning dragged, i could not be arsed with life
the class was really noisy today and it was peeing me off
she gave us break time but during our break we were asked to make up
a role play about fighting at school
i couldnt be bothered, any other time i would have been well in there but i wasnt feeling it
but we got it over and done with~
so i didnt get much a break, i had brought my DS as well T^T
two people commented to me
"are you alright? your really quiet today"
so i guess i must have been off my game if people noticed it
people who dont really know me
i just said "yeah im fine, just having an off day"
made me think 'so am i the class loud mouth or something!?'
I came home grabbed a bowl of cereal
ate, got changed and went to karens all under 12mins
i hadnt got much time to spare!
I needed the treatment at karens
i felt so much better
i spoke to her about my depression how i cant shake it
she told me to up my meds and see my doctor
i can talk to her about these things cus she used to be a nurse
i came home went to bed and got up at 5pm
since then ive played on fire emblem and read~
now gonna do some dancing or stretching i guess
tomorrow im just gonna pop out with mum
and maybe do some sewing
i do have a lil homework but may do it on my lunch break at school
Konbanwa
Last night...what a night and more specifically what was I on!?
I dreamed of being in house with no lights on
an old hunched woman walked towards me and started muttering something
Then that was it somehow I knew I was changing into something
my skin burned, my jaw hurt and stretched, my hands and finger stretched and lengthened
I felt taller Im not sure what I was gonna change into but I had a feeling a werewolf
It hurt so much and I begged to stop I didnt want to be a monster I feel to the floor and blacked out
Thats when I woke up
I was sweating my heart was going mental but my jaw and hands ached
what the hell is that about!? why am i such a freak at times!?
this is why I dont wanna have sleep overs at times
I fell asleep had another dream about being a wolf.......reading too much fantasy it would seem
it was good tho and enjoyed the freedom of what running on all fours brings XD
I felt exhausted when I woke up this morning I had had further dreams about
water slides and running and climbing -___-
Cus of the way ive been feeling mentally I didnt want to go to school
but then I didnt know what i wanted to do instead ether
So off I went, riding on my bike in the pouring rain - YES RAIN AGAIN!
School was alright, did maths in the morning followed by poetry...seriously poetry..
on a day i was feeling particularity crap we were doing poetry
I went to go see my mentor - dept head - and asked her if i could have 5/10 mins of her time
she said to come see her at 11:45am - easy right
not if your me with a sieve for brains
we were working on making the fairground rides, so i was sawing wood and gluing
the moment i put someones work down someone else is shouting for me
busy busy busy but i liked it :)
we worked right up til lunch, lunch is at 12:15 I was suppose to see the dept head 11:45....
I went to lunch went to open my bag, saw the work i was suppose to get help with and yeah
i was annoyed and sunk my seat thinking "ive not gone to see the dept head".......
luckily she came in the staffroom 2mins later she said to me
"did you come find me earlier?" i sank in my seat at this point
"no, im sorry, i kinda forgot. I was busy"
she said "oh thats fine cus i had forgot as well!" phew i felt much much better
but i still felt off and dizzy
I didnt want my lunch
i made myself a green tea with the mug i bring each time - limited edition promotional one i got with some tea bags, it has a monkey on
I had just finished the last sip
a member of staff walked between me and the table where my drink was
next thing i saw was my mug going to the floor!!!
SMASH!!! if it wasnt for the little rubber heat protective band round it, it would have gone everywhere but it kept all the pieces together luckily
but the only piece that popped off was the monkey face....thats a bad omen right?
I said "man look what you did to my mug! look at the monkey's face! your cursed now"
he looked totally gone out at me and said "sorry" and walked off
I dont think he appreciated it was a mug from home, so i started putting the pieces in the bin
and cut my thumb on a shard. if i didnt feel like my lunch earlier i certainly wasnt feeling any better about it then.
after lunch we went on the computers doing programming ugh
i wasnt in the mood at all. in fact i stood there and a wave hit me, a wave of thoughts and emotions and panic
i had to walk and calm myself down cus all i wanted to do was cry
i have no idea why but i told myself i was being dumb
break time came.
in the staffroom it was me, a teacher and a TA
now this TA has been at the school 20+ years so she was there when i was a student
i didnt like her then and i dont like her now
she never smiles or laughs and i cant connect with people like that
but i dont think she likes me
if im in the same room as her she wont talk to me
she looks at me with disgust
im not bothered, i find it amusing
so when the 3 of us were in the room, they were having a conversation about politics
when they had a pause i thought 'how could i make her look at me with disgust?'
so I said "do unicorns have wings?"
yep that did it! she looked at me and turned to look out the window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
match point Jo XD
the teacher guy turned to me and started talking unicorns to me, at least someone comes down to my level XD
then i was asked to clean up the classroom whilst they went and did rehearsals in the stuffy hot hall.
i did not mind cleaning at all. but the last half hour of the day dragged
got home, showered and had a brew
but didnt feel right at all
didnt eat a lot of dinner
then at 7pm i realized i never took my morning medication
so thats why i was feeling so cruddy!
glad im not coming down with something
shows im addicted to them tho >.>
tomorrow i have college
wooo -__- im not in the mood to go at all!!
but at least ive done my homework like a good student
taking my DS lite and lollypop
here's my hoodie i made for helina
it started life as plain
i added the kitty face on the front, the two cat faces on the hood ties
the cat tail and bow
and the ears
i hope she will like it
lets see what i dream tonight!
Good Evening~
It managed to not rain til 6pm
we're doing well
My parents came home today from their weekend break~
I was happy to see mum home and safe
It was father's day today so we gave dad a card
That was it really, he's not arsed and nether are we
In the morning I sat and read outside eating breakfast watching the pets
then I tidied up before my parents came back, luckily there wasnt a lot
to do as id been keeping on top of it ^^
Then I went and started my new game as I wasnt in the mood last night
I designed my character and did the tutorial after that I went on my laptop
I can never play games for long for some reason I may go back on tonight
but tonight it nail night, i have a cat theme lined up~
I stitched a few buttons to karen's bunting and now theyre finished!
Im pleased with them but no photo will do them justice i just know
Then a t-shirt that i brought for helina, its far to big so i made that smaller
i will give it her at xmas time
I got out the jumpsuit mia asked me to repair - again
i restitched it but i can see it ripping open again you can see the fabric is thin and weak
but i did what was asked
Then I got out the black hoodie i brought yesterday for helina
i gave it a kitty them cus shes mad on cats
im gonna give it to her for her birthday
took me all day really, i didnt do too much cus shes very plain but im sure shes
gonna love it, i shall photograph it tomorrow in better light
mum says it was good anyway :)
that was my day really just sewing
nice to have a sewing day for a change, i like having things to work on
Seeing as helinas kitty hoodie went down well and it only cost £5
i was thinking of buying another one for mia and doing her a unicorn theme hoodie
for her birthday as shes really into unicorns at the moment for some reason
so I was looking for inspiration online
I got this in the post this week
a top i ordered off ebay for £4 - new
Which I thought was a bargin and I like how its got totoro on and a totoro/pikachu too!!
cute isnt it~
Gonna do nails tonight
tomorrow im at school, im gonna take my DS lite for something to do on my breaks
Konbanwa~
Today I didnt wanna get up but I knew I had to
my dad usually lets tiffin out to play at 7am and what with him
not being here i knew tiffin would be attacking the cage door XD
It had taken some time to get to sleep, i was struggling with my thoughts at night
which has been going on for about a week now
I got up anyway and I cleaned the pets out, cleaned a bit inside
then I ironed the bunting flags, cut them straight then pinned them to the bias
at this point mia had text to say she was coming over to draw, so I packed up
and switched my laptop on~
Mia came over around 11:30am
we just sat and drew and chatted, I made lunch and there was left over cake too ^^
It was nice and simple and I got further with my Aquors drawing too
I was impressed at how much I did get done
Watanabe You is finished now Im doing Matsuuna Kanan - made a good start on her :D
Mia was drawing a human heart...
We laughed when we realized this is what we've done for years, sat and drawn together
its nice when you feel that level of friendship that your happy to sit in silence and not
feel the need to talk constantly or feel awkward when you are quiet.
She left at 4pm to have a bbq with her family
So I stitched up the bunting, theyre practically finished they just need a few buttons~
I made a pasta dinner for myself
read a bit and thats as far as Ive got
Something good happened today
my new game came!!!! Im so happy it came ^^
I played the other fire emblem game on 3DS when it came out a while ago and loved it!!
So when I saw this bad boy out I couldnt wait!!
Only trouble is the price, these games are pricey!!! at an average retail price of £35
it made me think twice before I ordered it
Still I wanted it and I told Ed if he sees anywhere selling it cheap to let me know
He sent me a txt a couple of days ago saying this website 'game collection' was having an offer
on the game, reduced to £25!!! So I took a gamble and ordered it off a website I hadnt heard of before, but it looked legit enough.
When I traded my games in yesterday I noticed they had the game in and pre-owned was £30!
So when it arrived today I was much relieved i hadnt been ripped off (i worry too much I know)
but its a satisfying feeling to know I got it £10 cheap
that website's offer only lasted 6 hours! so I was lucky!
I cant wait to play it, gonna start it hopefully tonight!!!
Tomorrow my parents come home ^^
So I just need to make sure everywhere is clean and tidy
and then I might do some sewing :)
