Evening all~~~
I slept not too bad
but my throat still feels a bit sore
I spent my morning absolutely shattered
just felt so worn out and I have clue as to why
but thats part of my condition
i get good days and bad days
So I did a bit of sewing to a skirt I brought off ebay for £4.99
it was too short so I was altering it but it's been more time consuming
than I first thought it would be and Im not even sure now that I am happy with it
it puffs out too much for my liking but that could be me being fussy
so I will try it on and see what mum says she usually has a good opinion
I went to bed around midday cus i was zombiefied and not functioning
when I got up I was still sewing whilst watching vampire diaries
I went for a very short walk with mum
I made pasta dinner for me and mum she appreciated it ^^
She got a txt message from the head mistress at my primary school
asking if i could return tomorrow for I think for now just the day
but who knows
so im going back tomorrow to school in stead of the 10th!
Im looking forward to it
I found out Mia's nephew has got a place there and will start in september!!!
I kept meaning to upload these photos from when I finished before easter holidays
I worked with a child every morning
and her parents brought me a card and flowers!!! I also got a hand made card from the students of the class i worked in and they all signed it!! It was so lovely and I kept the cards the staff in the classroom also gave me a card ^^
So thats what Im doing tomorrow
Id like to ring up for acupuncture also at some point
cus I need to go but I do wonder if I need to go speak to someone about my mental
health that i feel is crumbling
but mum says to try acupuncture first cus that can be good for mental health
it could be a while tho til i get in and get seen to /:
Evening~
I didn't sleep too badly last night
in fact I didnt read before bed I just collapsed and fell asleep
but upon waking I found my throat felt sore
and I felt a bit off
I spent my morning making hair bows
sewing dad's jacket, sewing a pillow up
and watching vampire diaries
I got ready to go over to adams house
I got Oz ready also as he was going over~
I ended up having a shower as I spent an hour sweating
honestly i was wet through! and it wasnt hot today
I must have a fever or something cus usually im as cold as corpse
I drove mega slow to adam's like an old lady XD
Oz was a lil stressed but I soon arrived and fussed him
Adams mum made a real fuss of him
he sat on her for ages!! and licked her several times and her glasses!!
total suck up
he went on the sofa for a bit then on the floor but froze up on the floor
he'd been over an hour and i think he'd had enough
mentally
also he hadnt been toilet in over an hour and i didnt want an accident to happen!!
so I brought him home with adam
We played pokemon
but I was hot so we went outside and sat
then got the PS1 out to which we played crash team racing
and I beat him he was good competition but I won!
then we got ready to go pub
I didnt want to but i know he did so i went
knowing full well anywhere was gonna be busy
we walked to a local pub and yup it was busy
and hot very hot
i was sweating
we had dinner adam paid and i had leg of lamb
he had similar and a pudding no way could i eat anything else
then we walked home and i drove him home
tomorrow i plan to sew~
here's Oz's blanket which I took over to adam's house
his parents loved it and my mum likes it too
front and back~
Evening all~~
I woke up at 7am ><
I wanted to wake up later than that
but I got up at 8am
I sat with all the pets as mum went to do her park run
and I got dressed for the convention!
I was able to take my time as I was home alone
and no distractions~
So here I am wearing my Haruhi Suzumiya cosplay~
I added gems to my eyes
I set off for the city centre
I got into the que which was a little long and in the shade
I was FROZEN absolutely frozen
I had wrapped up sorta warm
Helina turned up with her fiance in tow who brought two friends
They went to the back whilst Helina lined up with me
we were waitng about 10 or so minutes
when we got in it was a little warmer
lots of people had dressed up
helina didn't as she didn't realize that a costume she hadnt worn for a year
may be in dire need of an iron....seriously?
so she came in normal clothes /:
I looked round the stores, dodging the lines for the celebrity guests
cus lets face it - who's bothered?
I picked up a few bits and pieces
I picked up Adam a mewtwo rubber key chain as it's his favourite pokemon for £2
I got a lil charmander key chain for £2 but when I got home and looked at him he seems to have ears...charmander doesnt have ears. so if you can identify this pokemon please tell me! XD
I also got a pikachu key chain that speaks and from 1999 I already have an identical one but mine is too precious whereas this one has found it's place on my bag :) it was only £2!!!! even tho its vintage. I also picked up 2 badges for my collection for £2 - i always pick up a new badge~
Then I found a store selling acrylic goods they were amazing but acrylic stuff is always pricey
but i fell in love with this necklace it has bunnies on it!!
and it wasnt too badly priced £5 and then from a lolita kinda table i picked up a necklace for £3
just as I was leaving I passed the artist section - a section im never fussed about
but this lady had such cute pictures of hamsters and rabbits
i thought "aw be cute if she had guinea pigs" she did!! she had 1 picture of a guinea pig
it was £2 and had to be brought!
I left helina and went to catch the bus
I decided to call in at adam's house instead of going home and going to bed
he was pulling a face at the window when i pulled up
and when i got out the car his face was priceless when he saw me in cosplay XD
I got a txt from mum cus i told her i'd gone to adams
"make sure you eat summert (something to you and me)"
i told adam and he made me a sandwich ^^
I gave him his mewtwo keychain and he put it straight on his house keys ^^
then I gave him the darts i brought yesterday
he was pleased with them and I think they got more attention than i did! XD
we played darts
and he talked to me about a few things cus hes decided to compete for the city's athletics team
despite him supposed to be having a year out this year
but hes doing it
i said id support him what ever he did and he didnt need to stress if he was too busy training to see me cus i dont want to stop him living his life as i wouldnt want him taking over my life
I left him and went to the pharmacy to pick up my new cream
there was an old lady waiting in there
saw me dressed as haruhi and said "are you in a uniform?"
so i quickly filled her in XD
I got home and mum had made a cake and left me a message
saying she'd love it if id decorate it X3
when she came home I gave her the guinea pig picture and she loved it
says shes going to frame it :3
since then ive put my stuff away, danced, seen pets
watched vampire diaries
tomorrow seeing adam
but have no clue what we're gonna do yet!
Evening
I didn't sleep well at all last night
I had my usual nightmare which was just off the scales
thats the worst it's been in a very long time
I still can't get over what happened actually it's just not possible for me to have
these thoughts and dreams its almost like having another entity inside me
it scared me actually scratch that
i woke up sweating but not only that i was shaking in fear
i was terrified
so safe to say it took quite a while to get off to sleep
I was tired come the morning
I had doctors at 8:50am
only just got there on time!
but he saw me and prescribed me yet another steroid cream for my dry skin
I havent been to collect it tho yet
hopefully it works cus i've had enough of it I truly have
Came home and took my Oz to the vets
god talk about stressful
they were running 30min late....
I didnt complain cus it turns out they were putting down a very sick cat
but honestly it was like 'bring your barking dog to the vet day'
just 4 dogs all giving it some plus one in the back you could hear
poor Oz was stressed beyond belief
then when he did get examined he was terrified and kept coming to me
she said he weighed 1.5kg so he weighs less than tiffin but at times looks
almost as big as my old prince
he had his injection and said he could be neutered in about a month
the vet recommended that Oz was to be paired up with a female once he was neutered
well that aint happening!
came home to let Oz home and chill out
then me and mum eventually set off for some shops on the other side of town
it's a trek but it was well worth going actually
I got a fair few things and when I got home turns out I had a delivery of clothes
so safe to say I have enough now! but here's what I brought today
2 shirts from next for £4 each!!!! suppose to be £28!
A plain top from next for £3
a shirt from matalan for £6
and a set of pajamas from matalan for £8
then I brought these for Adam as a surprise they were reduced to £3.49!
he brought me a pokemon poster which I love and I wanted to get him something I told him I was gonna pick him up something at the convention but I doubt that will happen and he has a dart board on his bedroom wall and I wanna play damn it! but he says he's lost his darts
so here I am buying him some~ I hope he likes em~
I also picked up a new ironing board for my craft :D
we came home at 2pm
i was starving for lunch!
so i ate then went to bed I was just physically and mentally exhausted
I got up and Ironed my Haruhi Suzumiya cosplay as I will be cosplaying as her
tomorrow morning!
Im meeting helina at 11 at the doors she has my ticket
then its up to her whether she walks round with me or not
its never very good but something to do
then depending on the time I will ether go straight home or call
in at adam's house. i can tell he feels a lil strange about me being dressed in cosplay
its really not his thing and i dont think he has a clue what im actually wearing
so i have such a temptation to call in and see his face XD
hope i sleep tonight
all of today I have thought about how I am going to get help
im not sure what to do or who to turn to
i feel maybe i am gonna lose it one day and become someone i dont want to be
and see people ether afraid of me or hate me
i can feel it bubbling beneath my skin
why cant i be normal?
i know people say "who is normal?" but this isn't normal
Mum's friend works with those who suffer big time with mental health
im wondering if she could put me through to anyone /:
grasping at straws here
anyway convention tomorrow~
Konbanwa~~
This is Jozu who hasnt practiced her japanese in a week!
naughty naughty ><
ahhhhh im struggling
no other word for it
me and my head are at war
its been brewing i could feel it and today i feel like i understand
what schizophrenics go through
it's like having a constant voice a constant noise and im not sure its
thoughts or voices i feel like i literally telling who ever is in my head to f*** off!!!
im not sure what to do
my stomach for a very long time hasnt been right and this week it feels and behaves the
way it did when i was 18 its like stressed and feels like its tied in a knot
to cure it I had acupuncture which was like torture to me
i considered going to go back and have it
but the thought of laying down with those needles in me makes me want to cry
well i did used to cry actually
i thought about getting in contact with someone who deals in mental health
because i think im getting stressed stomach because of my thoughts
my thoughts are stressing me out about my eating and about my insecurities
and now adam is in my life thats kinda like a new target for it
telling me how bored he will be of me and it wont last long
just my insecurities
i dont know what to do
theres other stuff as well my head talks about. stuff that to write down will seem like complete madness its something i have never told anyone. and even when i have approached the subject with mia and with mum i could tell it scared them so i never mentioned it again because i didnt want them to worry or look at me different cus what i have going on in my own head
scares me
i dont want to be like this
i want to be free
but i have no idea how to go about any of this
i feel quite alone with it all actually
anyway today
i was surprised to see mum wake me up at 8:30am with pinks
i had taken sleeping pills and slept through the night
it felt like id only slept and hour! i cant actually remember the last time a night
went so damn fast and i slept through!
I was sewing and I got Oz's blanket finished and I am really pleased
with it actually because for a while I was unsure of the design and changing
it all as i went through it all
i photographed it :)
then started on lolita bows
did all of this whilst watching 'Vampire Diaries' which Im getting quite into actually
and as usual my favourite character is the psychotic one
seem to draw to the psychos some how
probably cus i can relate to their way of thinking XD
I didnt bother filling in that job form cus i just thought they wouldnt have me anyway
private school - i wont be posh enough for em
Been with the pets and stuff cus its been a bit
cold and miserable out there today
Oz even given the option to play outside chooses to stay in his cage!
he is the complete opposite of tiffin
I had yoga which wasnt good actually
didnt enjoy it
tomorrow I have doctors at 8:50am cus my skin is still in bad condition
just flakes away and is sore to touch at times looks so red too
not nice really
then at 10am Oz has his injections! bless him
then I think me and mum are traveling to the other side of town for a few clothe stores :)
Good Evening~~
I actually slept!!! wooo!
I woke up at 9am to find mum had kindly cleaned the girls out for me
it was a real cold bitter morning
its freakin' april -____________-
Well this morning all I did was sew really
as I discovered that Oz's blanket is a tad small
so I needed a border which took time
then I hand stitched his date of birth on it
it doesnt look as if ive improved it since yesterday really
did all this whilst my brother was playing with his new macbook pro
he'd got at about 9am this morning
he said and I quote "it's pure pornography" XD
I went to meet adam after lunch and he'd finished his gym session
i parked up at his house then we walked in the cold to the charity shops
but there was nothing good really nothing i could see to do up even /:
so we walked back to his house
sat and had a brew but I was still cold
so i asked to go on his bed cus thats comfier than the wooden seats
in the hope i would warm up
we played on pokemon for a lil while til he turned his off and gave me a cuddle
i turned mine off to cuddle him back
and i think we just laid there for like an hour
i was trying not to drop off to sleep cus it was the first time i'd been warm in the last 2 hours
and its nice being all cuddled and wrapped up
he hardly ever lets me under his bed sheets cus he knows...
i get warm and that tends to equal me falling asleep or becoming tired at the least XD
but he let me ^^ so I enjoyed my afternoon~
we talked about a lot of stuff really about moments we've shared and such
i got home and 30mins later went for a walk with mia
it was good to see her again :)
she was disappointed cus the 3rd house she's wanted isn't as good as its made out to be
and shes unsure whether she wants to go through with it
i personally have a gut feeling its not a good buy and i told her that but its her decision
and rob's of course
came home had dinner
left a tiny amount and got the wrath of mum and dad set upon me
i just didnt want what i was eating
so made a piece of cheese on toast simply to shut them up
theyre right i know they are but they dont have go on at me >.>
tomorrow I am sewing and gonna try get Oz's blanket finished
I got a skirt in the post today but its a lot shorter than I thought!
so that needs a bit of alterations doing cus i wont wear it otherwise
i have lolita bows i want to make as well
never did any more of that 10 page job form
just never had the time today
but i will tackle more of that tomorrow
its soul destroying knowing you spend hours filling out a form
to not even get a reply - probably
t-shirt new for £4.20 i got online :D
Evening~~~
I didn't sleep
I had my nightmare pay me a visit
I ended up tearing off a head from their shoulders which splattered me with blood
to which I woke up sweating
I couldnt sleep for some time then.
so annoying these nightmares
I did some sewing and got further with Oz's blanket
its really coming along
I sat looking through my Japanese fashion books
just for inspiration really and I found a style of hair bow I'd like to try
I rested then got ready to meet adam
I picked him up from the gym and went into a town
I went on a market I havent been too in months! (was spending too much there!)
The stall lady remembered me and she always knocks money off for me
even tho her stuff is so cheap
I mean these bracelets were £1 each!!!!
I also got a cute little hair bow she didn't charge me for and finally
2 chokers for £1 each
so I spent a total of £4
you can't even buy some of these items for £4!!!
Then we hit the charity shops
I picked up this skirt for £3.99 it H&M thought it was cool cus its so different
and then a top for £2.99 its Miss Fiori and I plan on maybe sprucing it up a bit ;)
then we came home and had a brew in the lovely sunshine baring in mind that it was
SNOWING yes SNOWING whilst we looked round charity shops
just what the hell is wrong with british weather!?
one moment we had snow then the next we're in t-shirt at the top of the garden
all in the space of 2 hours!!!!!
then we had a play fight inside when the weather turned cold once again
he kicked me off my bed twice -________________-
but told me later he loved me ^^
I took him home
and since then just been with pets
and trying to fill in a job application that is 10 pages long
i will finish it tomorrow ><
tomorrow seeing adam again at some point or another
and hopefully mia too
