It's like being grounded!

Evening

Didn't sleep well again
got up for a hot chocolate
this is going on for a long time now but apparently depression
can cause insomnia 

mum woke me this morning at 8am as id asked her to cus i had
karen's to go to at 9:30am
and mum vented at me there and then
honestly we both shed a few tears
shes frustrated and hates seeing me like this
saying i dont help myself i put too much on myself 
she said she doesnt understand where CBT is going
she sometimes thinks about just how mental i am and that shes got no one
to talk to about it all not even dad so she feels caged with all these emotions
i felt terrible..
she said that going to massage would be putting myself through
more punishment and not to go as my back is still very bruised and painful
so I told karen i wouldnt be coming.
Mum also told me she'd like me to rest today
effectively grounding me really she told me to stay home
so thats what I did
I texted adam to say i wasnt coming out today by order of mum

I got up for breakfast and the girls
then I went to bed til lunch time
had some lunch and stayed up a bit, went on my laptop to draw
then went to bed for another hour
got up and got dressed and ready for yoga which was good :)
felt good to do something
i missed not seeing adam today tho
but i needed the rest i really did but i always put my needs after everyone else's and
i just keep going and going
i need to learn to stop and chill out and to take breaks

I had researched during the day insomnia 
I took the online NHS test and it did say I had insomnia (apparently)
it said 1/3 of us will suffer from it at some point in our lives 
I read what can be done to help
so Im gonna make a few changes
1. always have some form of hot drink before bed
2. no kindle, phone, laptop 1 hour before bed
3. no dancing 2 hours before bed
4. make sure my room is warm and comfortable 
gonna go with that tonight
but i doubt it will make much odds as i never sleep well on a yoga night
just not enough time to wind down

tomorrow my parents are going to derbyshire for the weekend
so i will be in charge of pets
at least i can get on with whatever tomorrow

Put some stuff on ebay

Evening

Think I got another 3-4 hours last night
I ended up getting up for a hot chocolate anyway
I was freezing as well in the night
another boring long night

I woke up at 10am
Mum had cleaned the pets out and had gone shopping /:
so I sat with millie and alice cus id missed out on seeing them this morning
mum came back and I got ready to go out to the shops
in the shops I found 2 chocolate nail varnishes. typical. i didnt buy em now ive ordered
mine online. its principle damn it i swear they werent they last week!
I got some £4 slippers cus im sick of my feet being frozen!

I came home and was so tempted to go to bed after my lunch 
but I didnt as adam sent me a txt to say he was on his way over ><
So i stayed up for him XD
In the mean time I took photos of the stuff I've put on ebay tonight
just 2 hoodies, one I altered, one I made from scratch
and my teaching assistant text book i used for college last year

we didnt do much together
he had brought from the cafe 2 slices of very rich chocolate cake for us both
think im officially gonna get diabetes now
we sat with Oz 
and we did my homework which wore the hell outta me
I was exhausted but its done just got one more to do
i fell asleep for 20mins afterwards
adam walked home later cus i was just whacked and didnt feel like
driving or shall i say driving safely

then this evening put stuff on ebay
and did some drawing got another drawing done
this is now 5/6
just got one more to go!!!!
im praying i get it done very quick as adams birthday is 11 days away!!!!

tomorrow ive got massage in the morning
luckily the brusing on my back has visibly healed but under the skin is very sore
so i'll tell karen to go easy on me
then i'm doing as i please til adam text me and depending how im feeling
i'll ether pick him up from work or he'll catch the bus to my house

More korean make-up and more homework

Konbanwa~

I think I managed 3-4 hours sleep last night
safe to say I was shattered this morning and so did not want to wake up
at 7am when mum woke me up
I got ready to leave the house and I was on time

I got to acupuncture he said "have I done massage on you before?"
I said "no but I have a massage on thursday"
"right in that case instead of hand massage i'll use cupping method"
ok this was totally not what i was expecting to go into this morning!!
He brought out a little cup with like a plastic balloon on top which you could squeeze 
the air out of. creating suction if placed on the skin. almost like when you put your mouth over your skin and suck and it raises the blood to the surface.
Well he was planning on doing that on my back
so he put almond oil on my back and began
it didnt feel too bad to be honest but after a while it did smart a bit
he said "it can bruise quite badly or leave a rash behind" (told me that before i agreed to this)
i said "am i bruising?"
he said "to be honest its not that bad"
so I didnt worry
he then put needles in my ear neck and back and it was not pleasant at all
the slightest movement jolted them so even to speak was hard

I left there and came home for a sweet brew and sat with the girls
then went to CBT
she was happy with my homework she said the referral to Psychodynamic therapy was done
but after what i dug up and told her today she said
"this is all very very relevant to your treatment and needs to be written into your referral which I can get for you to read next week"
she set me a new home work of 3 times this week adam has got to annoy me
like really annoy me
yep safe to say he was happy with that news

I went over to adam's house to pick him up
we went to a pub to eat i had jacket spud
then we did the charity shops
i got compression tights for £1.99 and a jumper for £2.50
then we went to his house

we sat with his dad, played pokemon
then he took me upstairs to do the homework
i told him it didnt need to be started today but he was keen to say the least
so i basically got tortured to death from tickles, pokes and licks
after all that i was exhausted and feel asleep
i woke up and said my back really hurts
i wondered if it was the bruising so i took my top off and got adam to look
he couldnt believe what he was seeing he said it was bad

Oh speaking of adam he'd brought me something today as a present surprise
it was this cloud lamp i saw in the shops weeks ago but they had none in stock
he'd gone and brought it me :D
it doesnt have a bulb currently so im gonna fetch one tomorrow and test it out :)
i told him he didnt need to do that but he said he wanted to as a thank you
he's just grateful for having me really ><
we've been going out for 5 months now 

I came home and gonna draw now really
I came home to make-up from korea that had arrived ^^

A concealer that has a lot of vitamins in for the skin
a pink blusher - i have the peach one too
and an eyeshadow/eyeliner :3

came with a ton of samples i forget to use em i must have like 40 of them now

Tomorrow
i've put myself down for work but I doubt im gonna get anything now
i did miss a phone call from the agency during acupuncture but i couldnt be bothered to ring back
and im not working tomorrow morning at the drop of a hat
i like notice
so i think i'll go shops with mum, sew, draw maybe see adam

Still aint sleeping

Evening~~

I ran out of time yesterday to do my diary

Basically didn't sleep well
and stayed in bed really til 1:30pm then I got up for a shower
I felt bad that I hadn't been able to get up and see adam but I was
just exhausted and achy
I asked him "is there anything you want me to bring up with me?"
he replied "anything you want to bring"
Anything huh ;)
So I packed Oz up and he came up with me
I wanted my two boys ^^
He was welcomed warmly
Adam's mum gave me a scone she had baked and put jam on it too
it was really good and Oz thought so too!!!! He was robbing my scone!!!
There's nothing sacred with that rabbit
but he was good boy
I took him home with adam after an hour.

We came back to his house and played pokemon
he gave me a shinx ^^ 
I still felt tired.
We went up to a cafe and did my last homework >.>
found it easier this time round tho think its cus i was so tired
came back and talked with his parents
then we had dinner but we ate at almost 8pm
my stomach just doesnt cope with eating late for some reason
so immediately after id eaten my stomach killed
it felt like someone had punched me very hard in the guts
i followed adam into the kitchen when he went to get a drink
i told him i just need to be in a ball somewhere
so we sat on the sofa i was in a ball of pain 
i didnt want his parents to think i was being rude by just walking away from
the table but i couldnt bare it any longer
when the pain let up after 25mins i drove home
as soon as i got out the car the crippling pain came
i sat with Oz in a ball and went to bed then in a ball

and was fine this morning!
i hadnt slept well at all
awake from 5am til 7am
7am came my dad got up and fell into a deep sleep til 9:30am
its like i only sleep real deep when i know someone is up in the house
dont know what my subconscious is expecting to happen

When I got up I wrote up my homework as it was all random notes
I then did quite a few hours worth of sewing on my jacket
its looking really good im just taking my time with it really
then I did a little bit of dancing and got one recorded finally
just dont get much time home alone to record stuff
since 4pm ive been drawing and its coming along alright

sorted a few bits and pieces out that i plan on putting on ebay wednesday i hope
i have all that to write up --____--

Tomorrow it is lynn's birthday so I will be sure to wish her happy birthday
I have acupuncture at 8:30am then CBT at 10:45am
so i get to come home for a brew between time ^^
then I think Im seeing adam at some point
hopefully we can go out somewhere 


not taking a sleeping pill tonight
they can suck it
sick of the mega dry mouth for the whole night
and them not even working >.>
so im gonna just drink the tea i think tonight

And sleep was going so well

Evening~

Just finished drawing for the evening
im on picture 5/6 of a project im doing for adam's birthday present
taking me quite some hours to say the least!

I didnt sleep brilliantly 
I was kinda gutted cus id had 2 semi-decent nights in a row
thinking '3rd time lucky' but it wasnt to be
didnt go to bed til 11pm (late for me) cus I simply wasnt tired
which I knew wasnt a great start to the night
id had the sleeping tablet but the not the sleepy tea
I couldnt face drinking another cup of tea 
the trouble with those sleeping tablets is that they make my mouth mega dry
waking me up in the night with a desert mouth.

I got up anyway and cleaned girls out
washed my hair for hair dressers 
Went hairdressers then popped into wilkos to check for chocolate/brown nail varnish
nope nothing
annoying and mum checked asda for me today
in the end i ordered one from ebay which comes with a free nail varnish so its a bargin :D
cheaper than £1 shop and good brands too

anyway I came back and got ready to go to adam's
he'd been up to the shops and cafe and got us some lunch which was nice of him
I sat and had lunch with him
i did his mum's nails. she said she'd had a lot of compliments on her nails :D
its always nice to know when my art is appreciated ^^
i spoke a bit to her parents that i was anxious about returning to work
i felt a bit pathetic but all well
then from there we were just on the sofa for 2 hours winding each other up
he had football on in the background i played pokemon
but theres only so much time i can sit there wasting so in the end at 3:30pm
i got up and said "im off home to go get some sewing done" he didnt complain
just that he wanted to see me tomorrow

got home and did some sewing on my jacket til dinner time
its coming along nicely to be honest i think now it just needs to be assembled 
ive made every part up and decorated it. it will soon come together
then I chose a design for my nails tonight cus mine have chipped after 10 days wear
gonna do a cute design hopefully! 
then I sat and did the drawing project

god i hope i sleep tonight
i need a normal sleeping pattern other wise i havent got a chance in hell of
returning to work next week.

tomorrow me and adam may go out if the weather is good
if the weather is crummy, well i havent decided that far
i know his parents both asked me to stay for dinner
as much as i love being there, they just eat far more than im used to
so i feel like im always getting food shoved in my face 
i dont want to be rude or waste food so i eat it but then i suffer mentally
for the rest of the night
some times im lucky and i can pick my portions but its like they have dinner, pudding, drinks, chocolates. it feels never ending at times! i just have dinner thats it sometimes a pudding but its small.
anyway i am grateful i just wish i could handle it all like a normal person and not want to do exercise for the next 5 hours to burn it all off!
i will be normal one day

i hope ><

Just worrying over stuff normal people don't worry about

Hoiya~

I had another night in a row of decent sleep :)
but I did dose myself up once again
I hope it continues this pattern of better sleep but I have to wonder
will I be able to sleep without all the help?
One thing is that it makes me tired and yawn til about 1pm

So today mum woke me up at 8:30am as we wanted to get
into the city centre before it got busy
we were out the house for 9:30am

Mum picked up various bits
I got a new 'david & goliath' t-shirt which is grey with a zombiefied toast on it
saying "the walking bread" i thought it quite suited me as I look like
the walking dead most days
I picked up 2 bras too, not that i needed any new ones but when they're reduced to £6 it would
be dumb not to buy them in for when I need them.
and that was it
we had a drink and a brownie between us 
I checked out the manga store but I couldnt see what I wanted 
then we came home

When I got home I had lunch then went to bed
just exhausted really and needed to get away from everything
I had talked to mum about how I was feeling with everything
cus the thought of work next week turns my stomach and im full of anxiety
but also sadness as ive worked really hard to get where I am today
and just because Im not feeling mentally strong its effecting my life greatly
I want to return to work. hell I just want to be able to work like everyone else
but I just cant seem to get over this panic hurdle 
I dont feel ready to go back almost like I just know I wont be able to handle
what the day throws at me
last thing i want to do is cry in the work place cus ive done enough of that at work and college
id only be able to work wednesday and friday this week coming anyway as i have
appointments to go. 
fed up of having poor health
no one else has to take days off work for therapy sessions and other treatments to keep their health up, no they just get on with it and work monday to friday 9 til 5
I dont know how I'll feel if i dont go to work and people ask me 
"have you gone back to work?" what do I say?
"no cus I dont feel like I can handle it" makes me look pathetic and like I dont want to work
but I do
I want to be normal
I hate having all these issues 
as much as I want to give up and crawl in a ball I dont i know ive come too far and I wouldnt want to worry mum any more or lose the relationship I have with adam
all this i told mum whilst crying a bit
knew id cry at some point

I managed to do 40mins of sewing
I got the hood done on my jacket and the sleeves
just doing bits and pieces as theres no rush

now gonna draw and if i feel up to it i will dance

tomorrow I have a hair cut at 10:30am
then I was gonna go to adams but I got the feeling he didnt want me over so early
so im gonna go home and see him in a bit
then who knows in the afternoon

pray i sleep tonight

Finally getting somewhere with the nights

Evening

Last night I slept the best I have slept in a very long time
I woke up at midnight as per usual
then I woke up once more just to turn into a new position then that was it
next thing i knew mum and pinks were waking me at 8:50am!!
couldnt believe how well id slept
granted I hadnt slept through the entire night but hey its a start
im hoping im finally getting some normality to my sleep pattern

I got up and did a bit of tidying up for mum and hoovering
and of course i saw to my pets
Oz has been very quiet today and tired if im honest
bless him

I did some drawing before Adam came over from work
I made us lunch 
then we had a brew and went for a walk as it was a lovely day
it felt good to be outside
we came back and had a brew outside on the grass with Oz
came in and played on pokemon
then I took us to my room cus i needed a quick sleep
so i slept next to adam on my single bed for 40mins whilst
he played on pokemon
got up and sat with Oz on the sofa
then we dropped adam off and went to yoga

yoga was good we were holding positions which is quite tricky sometimes
but i managed it both me and mum felt a bit stiff doing it all
i didnt want food tonight but mum made me some
i hate food currently
want to starve myself i hate my figure
i want to lose weight
i cant look at my body in the mirror i even hate looking down at it in the shower
full of self hate these last few weeks
if it wasnt for the fact that im monitored by adam and mum i would get away with skipping
quite a few meals >.> 

Tomorrow I should be going to the city centre with mum
we were suppose to go last week but i was shattered
but we will go tomorrow we will! 
she wants stuff but i cant say i need anything

I feel like im cracking slowly and soon im gonna have a little cry
ether to myself or embarrassingly in front of someone
just holding it together
i SHOULD have work next week but just thinking about it fills me
with anxiety and turns my stomach in a knot
why cant i handle life normally?