Evening all~~
I got around 7 hours sleep last night
I just couldnt face my night alone
I was struggling with being alone
So I got my Ozwald inside and we watched BBC's Jekyll from 2007
I can remember the series first being aired and loved it
and I came across the DVD this week and thought Id give it a rewatch
and I enjoyed it, I would watch another episode tonight but Im not sure what time i have
as mum has reminded me that a new episode of Friday Night Dinner is on
I aint missing that! Its rare comedy is on tv and one I like
This morning I had a splitting headache and felt dizzy too
I felt rough almost like id been drinking the night before
I took a paracetamol and hoped for the best!
I sat doing some sewing, and did some lunch
then I got a text from mia "so we need to meet up at some point"
i text back "haha guess it was that good then huh?"
she said "yeah you need to hear this"
so i literally dropped everything I was doing and went over XD
we sat for 2 hours talking about this wedding of helina's yesterday
and I can't say im shocked to hear what went off
we were both hurt though to find out that when she originally said
"no friends are invited to the wedding, family only"
so that was originally a blow to us to find out we werent invited
but mia found out last night she did in fact have friends attend the wedding...
so she chose to not have us there
friends who have known us the longest and been through everything with her
we've seen her parents divorce, her mother suffering with cancer and alcohol, her mother dying, going through education, meeting boys, meeting her now husband, moving out. So many big hurdles we have been there with her and she chose others over us.
Its cus i think she knows we dont support her in this
but it still hurt
I was more hurt for her when i found out what a arse wipe he'd been to her at the wedding reception.
i could never marry or be with someone like him
Both mum and mia said
"good job you didnt go" to me
guess they know i would have laid him out
mia said it was hard for her to hold back
I left Mia's and went for a walk with mummy
we came back and i had an attempt at dying my brother's hair XD
never done such a thing before
i missed a tiny patch when he'd washed and dried his hair so mum fixed it up
mum might as well have done his hair!
Then i finished off sewing where I wanted to get to today
its looking good
and I edited photos of the dragon I stitched this week
Not bad huh
Its for adam's mum's birthday next month.
Since then I have been getting stuff ready for tomorrow
my first park run!
I will be walking though
ive got to mega disciplined on myself
not to run not to run
gonna be hard
so i printed out my ID and got my clothes out
charging my Ipod as we speak
Then I AM SEEING ADAM
as theres a bet from his dad im gonna be too knackered after park run to come up
but i am i will prove him wrong!
i best not be knackered anyway
Then might do some doodling
been thinking of what id like to call my creative drawing business
thinking of
Lunatique Project
Konbanwa~~
I got four hours sleep last night
I was up til midnight drawing/writing this
I decided to do what was in my head my busy head
and I did kinda enjoy it
it probably looks like the ramblings of a mad man tho XD
and I went to have a hot chocolate after to relax me
but I was still struggling to sleep, had a hay fever attack and was back in bed
for 3:45am -_____- I was shattered
Mum woke me at 8am now usually she cant even get past my door frame
without me sensing her presence and waking but she got all the way to me!!
she was next to me! gave me a heart attack
that never happens
she told me i looked so peaceful and didnt want to wake me
i was sleeping with a shirt adam gave to me yesterday ^^
I got up and got ready to go to karens
it was good to see her and she told me about her Edinborough trip and how much she enjoyed it
she told me how well she thought i was doing too
shes got a new car...a fiat 500 id kill for one of them!! lucky her, 18 plate too *drools*
I came away and had a shower when i got home
then I cleaned up, prepared my lunch which was noodles!!
i ate noodles and died of stomach pain
me and mum went to 3 shops and i felt exhausted
i came home and spent the next 3-4 hours curled up in bed
i felt terrible. i know the massage had just simply hit me quite hard is all
doesnt usually tho
I got up and had my dinner and cake afterwards and i havent died yet
i cut some fabric out ready to start sewing for mum's cushion
cutting stuff with a 60 degree angle has been a new one on me
now im unsure what to do
its 7:30pm
i havent done any exercise today
my body feels like a dead weight
ive been dosing all afternoon
i feel lonely
so all in all its setting up for quite a bad night...
i have a feeling its gonna suck big time
i dont like thinking negatively but i can kinda predict these things!
Helina has gotten married im guessing
the reception party started half hour ago
it feels that far removed from me that its like me trying to get happy and involved
in this so called 'royal wedding' coming up
i mean i hope it works out for her i guess.
still happy with the decision not to go
id probably say something id regret later on anyway
or knee him in the groin
ether works XD
tomorrow not sure what im gonna do
i should be cracking on with something productive
Oh I got my £2.50 book in the post today
its massive...
like huge
its like a harry potter book
im gonna be there for ever
i had no idea it was 915 pages 0.0
best be good!
its "i know this much is true" by Wally Lamb
Evening~~
Didn't do my diary yesterday! It kinda fell off the page some what
anyway still not sleeping great
but yesterday I attended school til lunch
it went fine it was easy really and i always enjoy my time there
from there I went home and I saw Adam in the afternoon
we went round a couple of shops and we sat and had a brew in a cafe
as we havent done that in a long time
because of me
then i came home for dinner
went back out to mia's house were i stayed til 10:20pm
my body was feeling tired but i knew it was another case for mental head
i had a good yesterday anyway
Today I woke up at 8am
by 8:10am I was cleaning my pets out
just wanted to get in there before mum could beat me to it
its a job i can do so why she does it for me sometimes i dont know
I wasnt too bad, mentally, this morning
but it has crept up on me as the day went along
i was laying on my bed and i could feel pain and tiredness trying to set in
and i was willing it away as i dont want it all back, why its kinda vanished in the first place i have no clue but i dont want it back. Even if i am having a hard time adjusting to being able bodied.
so i pushed adam away told him i was moping on my bed
he got his dad to give him a lift over -_____-
we sat had a brew we sat with the girls, millie sucking up to him
we went out to pets at home for some guinea food
went for a short walk and i saw baby ducklings like the size of hamsters so cute
must be that time of year huh.
we went to his house for 20mins as he showed me his new pokemon cards
and his dad gave me some sport sunglasses he no longer wanted so i can wear them when i start doing my park runs with mummy
i came home and had dinner with my family like as in eating what they are eating
i had stomach ache anyway so i couldnt see the harm in it really
mum had made cake also and i ate that too!
probably regret it when ive got stomach ache keeping me up til 2am
i started doing a daily job ive chosen to do in order to give me more responsibility and helping others ive got to do the pots after dinner each day. today it was started!
Earlier today I drew out a design for mum's new cushion as she wants a new cushion cover for the living room, this must be cushion number 3 ive done now
but i thought id give her a guinea design over patchwork triangles so i drew a piggie today
sweet huh
its gonna be orange and white, took about 5mins to draw if that XD
tomorrow...tomorrow
my friend or what feels more like ex-friend is getting married
a girl ive known for 24 years and was very very good friends with and lived next door too
but sadly she met her partner and shes become a shell of the person she is now. I havent seen her in over a year despite her living 15mins away now.
Shes invited mine and mia's family to her wedding reception. thats wedding reception not wedding. I refuse to go as i dont support it or want it for her. id be going for all the wrong reasons. So were not going as none of my family like her partner or want her to marry him. So were not going. Mia im not so sure of she says she was gonna have a rethink as i only told her yesterday that im not gonna go. were also not gonna go yoga ether.
i dont see her anymore but i still care for her and want more for her. so i feel a bit sad about tomorrow.
Konbanwa~~
I got 7 hours sleep last night so i didnt do too badly there
I spent my morning drawing really
got a design for a mug done from start to finish
took quite a few hours but it feels good to do something productive
I also danced, applied for a couple of jobs
I ate today like ate proper food
I ate porridge for breakfast, omelet for lunch, and pasta for dinner
im fed up of eating like a guinea pig i swear ive been having the same diet as them
and im getting stomach upset anyway so i just thought 'sod it'
I got the dragon plushie finished today also
so two things were done today which is good
Ive also got work for tomorrow just for the morning at the same school
i was at last week. Its always easy going there.
nice to have work tho as im getting a bit low with not having a regular career.
Ive been pretty much home alone today really
so its felt a lil lonely at times but ive gotten through it by keeping busy
dont think ive stopped all of today
I might ether go for a walk tonight or dance
but with frequent toilet stops it might be dance
I ordered this blusher and i think mum has used it more than me as i havent even used it yet she says the colouring is good.
tomorrow I have got work in the morning then might see adam then in the evening seeing mia
evening~~
I got 7 hours sleep last night!
So not a bad night, that was between 1am - 8am
This morning I did some sewing
I was just stitching a few bits on the dragon
I had a shower and got ready to see adam after my lunch
which was another exciting salad
We went for a walk round the park im gonna go with mum next saturday
just fancied walking round there really
we went to his house were we sat talking to his mum
as i wanted to tell them about what my psychologist said this week
so we talked for a quite a while
then I did her nails
had a brew and played okami then i went home
as i needed to take my make up off before i clawed my eyes out
and my stomach was killing me, i had eaten two forbidden biscuits
god im fed up of this, the littlest of things sets off my stomach
I came back and had a sausage cob which i know is gonna upset my stomach
but quite frankly its already upset so i cant see the harm annoying it more
not sure what im gonna do tonight other than be in pain with my stomach
i was gonna sew just for something to do but i dont feel like ive got my full brain power
and theres no rush with it so i may leave it tonight
i won two t-shirts for £9 new and from Bodyline, a lolita very good quality brand
so theyre bargains, not my size but i cant imagine theyre gonna be massive
but i look forward to seeing them.
tomorrow not got anything planned actually
so probably crack on with drawing and sewing
My nails for this week, cute cherries!
Evening~~
I slept like crap I really did
I wasnt sleeping and at 2am I headed back to bed only to have a big hayfever attack
i ended up getting up as I didnt want to wake everyone
I walked downstairs and went to the bathroom, turned the lights on and made myself jump
looking back in the mirror at me was me but there was no whites left in my eyes
i have never in all my years (since the age of 7) of having hay fever, seen my eyes THAT bad before, they were red. Like full on red, ive had blood shot god knows how much but it totally filled in the whites this time. Quite scary looking and no wonder if made me jump i refused to look anymore as it was a little unsettling.
I went to bed at 4am after Id calmed it all down
to wake up at 7:30am
safe to say i was shattered
literally shattered i looked terrible
so going dressed up in cosplay was safely off the cards for me today
I cleaned my girls out, went for a shower and by 9:30am i was back in bed
went to sleep for 3 hours cus i was just dead
having 4 hours sleep each day + hay fever is pure torture
when I got up mum had just come in from her run, shes got herself another medal ^^
she enjoyed it but not as much as the one she did at another park last month.
I txted adam to say id got my stuff together and was just warming up some soup
he told me not to see him today as he wants to see me for more than hour
so screw him, i didnt see him.
I must say i would have been peeved if i had spent my morning asleep then my afternoon sitting round doing thing at his.
So i entertained myself~
i did some dancing when everyone popped out
i did a tiny bit of drawing
went garden centre with my parents
cut out some fabric for the dragon plush i wish to make
stitched some of the dragon plush
Today is Karen's birthday, shes gone up to Edinborough. I dont think I could ever be arsed to make my way up to Scotland XD not for just a weekend anyway.
I painted her this canvas~
random design, i engraved the paint on the tree and sprinkled glitter whilst it dried
the photo doesnt do it justice and its about the size of A4
Tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
i cant see adam til after lunch in any case as hes going with his parents to support his mum in her annual country champs hammer throw, each year she wings it. She doesnt train and still wins! must burn for those who DO train XD
Its set for rain and its rained this evening so I guess a lot depends on weather. And on me of course, how mental yours truly is.
Evening~
I didn't sleep til gone 2am
had stomach ache and hay fever and i was frozen
mum woke me at 7:30am
I got ready for my day~
I went to my psychology appt
which only wound me up big time
he did not want to bait the beast i was close to biting his head off
he said at the end he was pushing me tho
we talked about how im confused on how to be an adult and that having my illness
has not helped that, as everyone had their transition into adult hood whereas i was practically
in a coma in my bed. I missed out
and whilst I could easily blame my illness for this, that wouldnt be right as we discovered that my home life/situation isnt doing me any favours
its lovely to be helped so much at home and I am truly grateful for how much my parents do but they are wrapping me up in cotton wool too much theyre not giving me any responsibilities and thats what i need if i am to take baby steps into my adult life. So i told mum about it, i know she will find it hardest to 'let go' but fact of the matter is, the way things are, its just not helping.
I came away quite full of aggression and frustration
but I was soon able to get rid of it luckily
me and mum set off for derby
think we were in derby for 11:30am
we looked round a few stores on the market
i was able to get some fabric i needed and the nail varnish i needed too
we went for lunch which was soup! and half a small cob!
we walked round shops and I picked up new pajamas!!!! finally :D
been searching for weeks for them so I got a long sleeve pair and a tshirt pair
no shorts or vests for me~
I got some joggers with zip pockets so my ipod will be safe for when i start joining mum when she goes for her saturday park runs, im hoping next weekend I can start that!
I also got a new hoodie/jacket!!! I have missed one I chucked out a few weeks ago, and ive been using another one that has had its day so i feel scruffy in it. It was £16 but mummy kindly brought me that and my pajamas. Its deep turquoise with black writing on the back and black paint splats on the sleeves. Its cool and a bit different for me as its not cutesy
I dont always wanna wear cute stuff sometimes i want cool stuff
never sexy stuff tho XD
we were home for 4pm
we'd both had enough but enjoyed our day
i for one ran up to the toilet as soon as i walked through the door
as i had rather stupidly had half a cob and half a cake today!
never again but my god i enjoyed them i had forgotten how good cake was
but the after math probably wasnt worth it
I havent done a great deal since then really as its only been 3 hours
i did do some cross stitch and i havent done that in like 2 months
just havent wanted to but reading and playing on my DS isnt cutting it for me right now
Ive had Oz inside because for the last 3 days he has sulked
and i have given him attention im always diligent with that
but he sulks in his cage, i boot him outside and he takes himself home within minutes
dont know whats up with him! i think its cus hes in his rabbit teenage years XD
miserable bunny
but still felt the need to push my bin over
twice
Im hoping i sleep tonight
mum has put the heating on so i wont freeze tonight
stomach hurts cus i ate such sinful food today but hay fever has calmed down
as when i came back from the city - where i can breathe - it hit with a vengeance!
we shall see
gonna paint my nails tonight
tomorrow im wondering what to do really as i am tempted to go into the city (again) dressed in full cosplay just for the fun of it
whether or not i can be arsed will be another thing entirely usually sleep and or hay fever will make the decision for me. Tomorrow is also Karen's birthday! I did a mix media birthday card for her
designed by yours truly of course
