Evening
what a day -_____-
last night i slept ok i guess
feel like dad gets up earlier and earlier
but im awake from 6am anyway
the house is always cold when im up at 6:50
anyway i got ready for school
i had forgotten today was flu jab mum reminded me
she knows better than i do XD
when i got to school i was told id be collected
so i just got on with my day then at 10:30am i was collected with a TA and a teacher
from my group and we went over for our jabs
i said id go last cus i thought just in case i take a minute to recover
i told the receptionist that im sometimes off with it
and i told the nurse too who was a dull sorry case of a woman
so i had my jab and i told her id had to sit there a sec
and i didnt feel so good
the nurse got up and fetched me water
the receptionist came in and i said id go wait in the reception area
as the nurse had 1 more person to do
i sat there shaking and i was told i was grey and that i looked white earlier
she gave me a banana and the nurse came to check on me
she said i looked pale and wanted me back in her room
i sat there whilst she did her paper work
feeling like such a burden and needing to get back to work
then i felt really light headed just from sitting there
i felt woozy as well and asked her if this was normal
so she went and fetched the head TA!!! ahhh not her she sees me in a state enough
the nurse came back looked at me by rubbing her hands all over my face What the hell!?
get off me woman cant you see im sweating
the head TA talked to me and i told her id be fine
so she left and came back to me a bit later on
45mins later from having my injection she walked me to class as i felt semi up to it
it was lunch time and so i took the kids to lunch and served them lunch which
tired me out loads
i went to the staff room and ate my lunch which i cants say i wanted but knew
i had to eat kinda thing
but the noise was doing my head in so i came back to nursery were they all asked me if i was ok
i said i just feel off and drained
i left them to sit in the classroom by myself in the quiet and next to the radiator
the teacher came through and said to come collect the children with her and that
she had a creative job for me to do this afternoon
but all i wanted was to go home
id almost passed out twice and had no energy
we walked to the children lining up outside and one of the dinner ladies
said to me that i looked green
so i could add green to the list of pale, white and grey today
i actually felt like i was gonna chuck up
i turned round and a TA said to me i was white
and i gripped onto her shoulders as i thought i was gonna pass out there and then
she grabbed me and so did the dinner lady and walked me inside
i felt so stupid and like death warmed up
i said sorry so many times today
they took me to the head teachers office -____-
were they gave me my second cup of tea from school today and a chocolate bar
the head TA was called in again
and i said that i needed to go home
they said i didnt look fit to drive
so i called my folks and my brother kindly came and fetched me
i got home and got undressed and went to bed
i felt awful
so i slept for an hour and since then felt terrible and like death
done nothing which is hard and boring
and i have done no exercise and binged on sugar today so the anorexic thoughts
are in high demand today i hate myself big style today
im proper fat today and want to starve myself
i ate my dinner in the hopes it would make me feel better
but it didnt and just gave me stomach ache
my parents went to fetch my car tonight thank god
so i have it back now
im having an early night and i hope to finish the week tomorrow
what am i like
ive never had such a reaction to an injection before
now i feel just poorly
ive got a number to ring in case im unwell tomorrow
but i hope i can get school done
dont want time off on my 3rd week!
heres a make up brush i ordered which was sooooooo much cheaper than buying it from the shops i havent used it yet but its the size i was after and soft too :D
Konbanwa~~~
I managed Japanese and a walk with mum yesterday
and was in bed for 9pm but got up at 9:45pm for a wee
then woke up at 6:30am
annoying isnt it
school i was in the other class all day
so i saw things i havent seen yet and it was interesting to see
how the other class does stuff actually
i found it different and interesting
i was stood outside for a whole hour so safe to say i got bloody cold
the kids were cold too
it was 3c today and no sun
at lunch i did 15 minutes of yoga on the nursery floor which i quite enjoyed to be honest
and i spoke to a TA about yoga and she used to do running as well
my afternoon eventually passed
just short staffed all day but we got by i guess
hectic and a lot of work
just manic
and stupid stupid staff meeting after school which started late and finished late!!!!
i was annoyed cus it ran into MY time!!!
so i got home as quick as i could and then had a moment with Ozwald
sharing cereal and cake
then i got ready for running
went running in 3c damp weather
luckily the fast people i usually run up front with weren't here
so it was a slower pace which suited me as i still cant breathe through my nose
i wrapped up warm and put my thick joggers on for the first time
they work anyway XD
i got in and had dinner, diary, shower, Oz, bed
so yeah busy day
not sure how im getting through my days
still have no plans for the weekend!!
i want something good to look forward to!
tomorrow no yoga after school
as mum has been invited to a candle part 2 doors down ive told her to go as
no one socialises these days so its lovely a neighbour is putting this on
heres some make up ive wanted to try for agesssssssssssssss
blusher and eye shadow
yet to have ago with em
Konbanwa
i went for a walk with mum last night
but we turned round after 5 mins as it started to rain!
typical
annoying too
but when its night you cant see the clouds
I went to bed at 8:50pm I was shattered
but woke up at 11pm needing a wee like really needing a wee
i had to run as for some reason i felt like i wasnt gonna make it
it was horrible and god knows what that is about
i fell straight back to sleep but woke up at 6am and been awake since
i was full of cold and couldnt breathe like last night
stupid colds but kids are so full of germs so im not shocked really
minging creatures they are
i got ready for school which i kinda go on auto pilot about
i had a massive bowl of cereal tho
that is something i cant wait to have is cereal in the morning
my morning treat thats for sure
school was hectic as it always is
just dont stop
a girl had crapped herself and i had to deal with that but i didnt wipe her arse
as i draw the line at wiping a 4 year old arse
i only had one group today as well
so that made my day feel a lil longer not having my group time
gets me out of lesson
i was stood on my feet for just ages well over an hour
had freezing play ground duty to do and the temp was near minus today
so cold i still cant feel my feet and its 6pm
people had wage slips today and i was told mine would be in the office to collect
ive never had a wage slip before ive always been paid digitally no paper involved
your suppose to keep them apparently
not sure why tho i will have to ask my mum and dad
to say ive only worked 2 and a half weeks its more money than ive earned all year
and its not even that well paid as teaching assistant jobs go
but for me who earns next to nothing all year its a bloody lot
i dont even know what i will do with it XD
just replenish my savings i have been dipping into big style this year
i went straight to the sports massage after school
she was waiting for me
the room was freezing so she put the radiator on for me
fancy having a cold treatment room
i feel a bit sore from it but it needed to be done
i had a message on my phone saying that tomorrows psychology appointment
needs to cancelled as they guy has family issues
so that is annoying
looking forward to leaving school early XD
he says he will be in touch when hes back at work
god knows when that will be
i got home and mum had made meatballs for dinner
and nutella cake also!
gotta love mum
we ate early too as dad was home from work
seems ive earned more than him this week
got the whole evening well all of 3 hours before im in my bed
might do japanese and maybe go a walk with mum
but it is freezing out there i have to say
still i think we will go im gonna whip out some layers!
tomorrow is school and cus of short staff
im in the same classroom all day for the first time ever
saves me being with 2 year olds so no complaints from me!
part of mia's christmas present this year
a gatomon plushie
Evening~~
I was in bed for 8:45pm
just wanted sleep and I did manage to sleep pretty well too
still woke up to the sound of dad getting up
just how does the body do that i wonder
so i got up ready for school
my god its been cold today!
The traffic was a bit bad this morning
when I got to school i was amazed how many people were full of cold
already...
the head TA saw me and said "are you looking for me?"
why would I be looking for her?
i said "no just been for a wee" yeah lets be gross XD
I got to class and made sure I knew what stuff I was doing with my groups
I got through my morning anyway
hectic as always just never have a minute at that place and everyone says it
lunch time i sat for 15 mins in staffroom then went to go get my lunch
and sat with the early years team but i find i cant have much fun with them
as they just talk about school and children
and its my lunch break i dont want to spend it talking about work
so i went to sort group stuff out and sat quietly by myself
after lunch went fine i had my group work
done 5 lots of group work today
and had to write it up today but forgot to write up my last group
i will do it tomorrow but i cant even remember which children i had -____-
at the end of the day the teacher kept me to talk about group work
so i didnt leave til almost ten past four annoyingly
came home had a hot chocolate
and booked to have a massage straight after work tomorrow
cus i need it im hurting
i think its wear and tear from school if im honest
did 25mins of yoga
sat with Ozwald too
had dinner and now gonna go a walk
if i have any time later i will watch anime or do japanese
i will see
so tomorrow i have school
and then i have massage
maybe see mia who honestly knows
the last xmas card
which is mia's she loves bulbasaur
Evening~
I woke up at 8:15am
felt a little better for more sleep than usual
but Ive been so low on energy today
I spent the first part of the morning finishing off
my guinea pig garland~~
My 12 piglets are finished!
theyre gonna look great up this year
i like to add something new to the decorations each year
and it has built up
2018's addition is the garland ^^
Then me and mum were able to pop out together
as my dad actually went out by himself D:
the shock!
but then again its not that shocking as what he went to do was work related
me and mum went to a local garden centre
one we dont frequent as its so damn expensive
I actually bumped into a teacher from school would you believe
small world
anyway
every bauble or christmas tree hanging was £5+
unbelievable
just for 1 decoration
nice to look round stuff
and i saw they sold cacti so ive ordered mia online for christmas a Bulbasaur plant pot then you place a cactus in its back to look like the bulb on the back
and Bulbasaur is her favourite honestly she loves that guy so im sure she will be pleased with her present ^^
I managed to pick up my dad some christmas season marmalade so ive actually got him something this year as hes so difficult to buy for its unreal
we left there and came home for lunch
the sun was out but it was still cold i have to say
i went for a 50min walk by myself
mia said she was too hungover
i do everything by myself these days
not socialised in over a month can you believe
the walk was hard work in every aspect
i came back tried to dance but i had no energy
so i came on my laptop for a short while
decided id watch an anime I randomly came across
Kekkai Sensen I believe it was called
gonna watch another episode as it wasnt bad actually
studioBones always throws out good animes~
I then did some drawing for a bit
sat with Oz and read
just tried to chill out
did a bit of reading about the school
not very far in the sheer mass of pages they printed out for me to read
but its a start and i wasnt prepared to give it anymore of my weekend
my short weekend -___-
tomorrow is school
im already wondering what the day will bring and if i can get through it
i hope i can
such a challenging job
its cold tonight and its gonna be a cold week with strong winds low temperatures and rain
joy
if its indoor play it makes life harder but standing out on the playground in the cold aint fun ether
i shall try not to dwell on it anyway and just wrap up
not going running club tomorrow think i will go wednesday
still snotty and not putting myself through it
Evening~
I didn't sleep well
I was up in the night blowing my nose
a lot -_____-
so this morning I was quite tired and could not be arsed to go park run
but knew Id get little other opportunity to do exercise today
so I got on with it and said I was just gonna jog instead of really trying
I got there and it was a lil muddy
I briefly saw mum's friends and told them that she hopes to join them
on wednesday for a walk at running club
then I set off I just took my time and didnt competitive with it
but the last stretch the part I like to RUN i started off and took over
a woman with her dog as dogs are a real pain to get past but today
there wasnt many dogs at all to my relief
anyway so when I over took her she shouted to a runner ahead
"go Nick go!!!!" like yelled it as I passed her
I worked out that Nick was this bloke with a blue top on that said Nick on the neck
so I went to pass him, not to be spiteful but just because I was running
upon passing him he suddenly sprang to life and challenged me
he started like really running so i couldnt help myself i pegged it
and beat him
yeah i was happy with that XD
i did it in 29:03 which proves I can go slower and take my time
i got home and brewed up and then bleached my eye brows, massaged my face and neck to make it look smaller as im fat and horrible and went for a shower
then quickly got ready me and mum were like headless chickens getting ready and ramming lunch down our throats all to get out the house for 12pm as we had my brother's graduation to attend
heres me i had 2 mins with the camera
as you can see fat faced, fat wrists and fat fingers
all fat and a diet is what i need
hate myself and trying not to rant to mum about it too much
she said i looked too thin at 8 stone but thats where i want to be
hate myself and my body
we got into the city centre which is stressful when we're with dad
hes incredibly hard work he truly is
like an old man already
i spotted my brother and went over to him
i took his photo with mum and dad then mum took one of me and my brother ^^
never get photos together
i look bloody awful on it tho
we hovered around inside as i was getting cold stood outside
but so many people were there
we were allowed to be seated at 1:15pm and had to be seated for 1:45pm
so many people tho to get by
my brother had been picked from the whole graduates that year to be shortlisted with 2 other people for an award.
We sat and waited for his turn to go on stage and whilst he walked up in his smart gown it was announced he''d been short listed and i took photos of him entering the stage
bless him, my heart pounded i felt so happy and proud of him as hes not had it easy
and he got the highest possible grade too
after all the certificates were handed out the awards were announced
and it turns out my brother got it
he actually got it
so he got the award of "graduate of the year 2018"
amazing
we were stunned mum was thrilled
i recorded him collecting his award
its a frame with a certificate inside mum will probably hang up some where XD
he was also given £100
after 2 hours we were allowed out thank god
and we found my brother outside
i saw my old TA tutor as well so i talked to her ^^
went to my brother then
he said he'd got to talk to press and other people because of his grade and award
so we left him
we went to the bead shop and brought some sequins that had been binned this week
then caught the bus
i was frozen i have to say
my brother phoned to say he caught the bus too so when we got to the car we waited for him
he was tired and had achy shoulders from wearing the big gown for hours
it is heavy 0.0
we came home it was 5pm
so another day i get no time to myself!
i came in and had a brew to warm through
then a hot shower i was just so cold
then i came into my room and started sewing my guinea pigs to try and relax and feel like ive actually done something for myself
its now 9pm and ive finished the sewing now just got the final pieces to do
its too late to do any drawing or japanese
but i hope to do some tomorrow
im glad i went to my brother ceremony tho
it was good to witness
hes now gone over to his tutor's house for a party would you believe
i hope he has a good night as he deserves it
tomorrow me and mum are popping to a garden centre to look at bits together
then maybe going pets at home
ive got the guinea to do and drawing
mia was on about seeing me but cant see it happening
dont get any time to myself ><
Konbanwa~~
ahhhhh I have not stopped
how is it possible to do so much in one day?!
I didn't sleep too bad I was in bed for 9pm tho
and got up for a wee
I got up at 6:55am as i was under the impression dad had drifted off
to sleep again which he indeed had done
I got ready for children in need day
so i had streaks in my hair, spots, and bear ears
school i was in nursery til lunch which was crows control
and we gave the children 2 cakes each
so they were high on sugar
i robbed a cake too
then it was lunch and the dinner lady came through and said
the children werent a fan of the flapjack today so she brought a WHOLE tray through
so i robbed two
so ive had a big bowl of cereal this morning
3x biscuits
2 flap jacks
1 cake
im fat
seriously fat and ugly
want to starve myself but know i need energy to get me through life
anyway after lunch i was in the other foundation class
all went fine really
i had been to fetch stuff during lunch to do my group work at 2pm
so a TA could show me but because we were short staff i was unable to
do my group work
so 2 days in a row i havent done group work and ive explained that to the teachers
they say it cant be helped
so i stayed in class and we gave the kids yet more cake
jesus it was crazy
but they had brought in so much cake for pudsey day
i cleared up and stuff then dismissed the kids
at the end of the day the teacher talked to me and said how good it was to have me on board and how i get on with stuff and it helps big style
she asked if i was on any medication for my anxiety and i told her i wasnt but seeing the psychologist on wednesday next week
so we talked a bit about that
then i put the stuff back i didnt really need in the end
and went home through bad traffic
i just do so much at school i dont sit or anything
but i feel its getting easier as ive learned about 80% of the kids names
and im connecting with a lot and working harder with others the ones with needs
to which there are plenty of
but i think i am getting there
i havent felt stressed or over whelmed past 2 days anyway
i came back and mum did me a brew
i was very annoyed as some sequins id ordered on sunday arrived yesterday and i left them still in the postal packet and i wanted them for the guinea pig garland i plan to finish this weekend
well when i came to the packet today it had gone
dad had put it in the wheelie bin which was emptied this morning
he lives for bins like an old man
my brother had a good look for it on the table but i knew it was in that bin
i was so annoyed
really peeved me off
so when dad did come home i got told off by him
no "sorry" or "ill get you some more"
it was "dont like the attitude sod off"
yep he told me to sod off
at least i know where i stand
he talks to customers nicer than me
and if he does talk to me 'nicely' its about work
a subject i find boring so i keep to one word answers as he likes to argue and say everything differently to me anyway
i dont like him
my robotic dad that resembles a cog
hes the same on all sides, just keeps doing the same thing over and over, souless and plain
anyway wasted enough time talking about him
i did some yoga and mum bless her gave my very hurting shoulders and neck and massage
then i went for a 20 minute run as being talked to like that from dad boy did i need it
i really enjoyed it even if it was drizzling
i didnt see mia tonight as she takes forever to respond despite not working fridays
she said she will see me sunday but thats not likely to happen is it
i came in and had dinner
after dinner i sorted stuff out
i had ago dying my mum's eyelashes which went ok
then i changed my bed
saw my pigs
and done my ipod as i needed a fresh playlist to run to
then diary then its Oz then bed
ive been at school for 10 days now and it does feel a bit easier i have to say
and i pray i dont spend my weekend worrying over school
over stuff i cant help
tomorrow id like to do park run
but see what weather is doing
i need to get my stuff ready for that also
one thing after another
i have no time lately!
tomorrow is also my brother's graduation!
he graduated from Uni this year with a First degree in Photography
were all very proud and hes even won an award for his work!
i have never been to a graduation tomorrow so im looking forward to it
its happening in the royal concert hall too~
so i need to look human for that XD
we are near a bead shop tomorrow so mum says we will call in to see if they have my sequins
still getting through my xmas cards photos
this is my cousin's
