Evening~~
God I hardly slept
I fell asleep really quite quickly last night
but woke up at 11:45pm to the sound of mum's car alarm going off :S
bit weird
then woke up at 12:30, 1:45, 2:30 and stayed awake til 5:30am
dont think i really slept that well from 5:30am
so I was tired when I woke up at 7:30
and I'll tell you what was keeping me up
thinking of jack! how frustrating is that!?
honestly what good does thinking about stuff do during the night -____-
did my head in
could not tune off
all sorts of questions were mulling through my mind
how long will it last? when I will tell people? will he regret it? how long before i get used to him?
just stuff which i guess boils down to insecurities on my part ><
so i was suppose to go over to tara's today for...
WAFFLE DAY!
a day we've wanted to do since before christmas
but because of one thing or another we've had to cancel it
but today it finally happened. when tara finally got round to texting me anyway
i went over around 11am
she had got Blue over - her family's staffie
never met him before
he's 9 years old and totally mentally
like if he was a human he'd be easily diagnosed with ADHD
he just mad and full of energy despite being on a 90min walk in the morning and tara telling me that this was him 'good' crazy
so we sat talking for a bit
she couldnt believe jack had asked me out
to be honest nether can i
we went to make the waffles
i had two
one with white chocolate + chocolate spread
the other white chocolate + peanut butter
first one was best
and i didnt go too hyper on sugar
then we attempted to play on her wii but blue kept getting in the way and you cant lock him out of rooms as he goes crazy
we sat in the living room with james and i had a real long play fight with blue
first with toys then just with my bare hands
i have quite a lot of red teeth marks on my hands XD doesnt hurt
and im not scared in the slightest of dogs
so yeah i was practically rolling on the floor with him and tara and james watching our fight, blue was growling so much XD but kept coming back for more!
they liked how i could play with him as they said some friends find him scary
then we walked him back to tara's mum's house
were i met her younger brother who i believe is 22
i could see the resemblance but they didnt look too much alike and he was pleasant
reminded me of my brother to be honest
and they get on well
so after we dropped blue off there we walked back to tara's and had the bunnies out
they covered me in fur -___-
we sat and talked and i finally told her about my split personality as i kept forgetting to tell her!
she was fine with it and didnt bother her
i dont know why last year i worried so much about my mental health and what others would think of me to be honest. everyone has been accepting of it
it hasnt scared anyone off anyway
then i went home at 5:15pm
got in and took my make up off and put stuff away and had dinner
jack text to ask about my day
i told him i ate my weight in waffles and had a fight with a staffie
he replied
"im reading that as: you went on a sugar high and attacked a dog"
i burst out laughing, the guy knows me XD
turns out he didnt sleep great ether cus he was too happy he says
i like how hes happy and im just nervous, scared and insecure
life is unfair >.>
not his fault or anything its just my mentalness
tonight im gonna do some yoga or dancing or something
shower and sit with Ozwald
might try the epliator tonight
i feel like having a go
dealing with the pain
tomorrow just gonna entertain myself really
got sorting of bedroom to do and creative stuff and my car wants a wash
here is the LAST Noragami manga i ordered
the last of a series
so thats another series of manga completed i collect
im gonna read em when i can~
Konbanwa~
I took pain killers and calms last night
in the hope it would help me sleep!
It did work but I woke up at 2am annoyed that I had woken
but soon went back to sleep luckily
and that was the only time I woke up as I was having a dream aboutt
an old lady chasing me
the chase was getting higher and higher until i realised i needed to
be able to fly to escape her and thats exactly what i did!
it was great until she had the ability to fly also
and thats when i woke up at 7:30am
I got up and cleaned my piglets out
then I showered and got ready to see Jack
we were meeting at 11am at the ice stadium
i saw him in the in queue behind me
i went and reserved us a locker for my coat and bag
we got skates on
there was a fair amount of people there and children too
i was so nervous as i didnt want to fall over!
luckily I didnt and i was much better than jack
something that is a rarity - me better at something than him XD
he couldt go that fast
he said i looked elegant whilst ice skating but then said he put it down to my long flowy lace sleeves which did feel appropriate for ice skating actually ^^
so i went off a few times going fast as I enjoy that
and when he'd had enough as his stamina sucked i held his hand for the last lap and pulled him with my speed he thought he was gonna die
we skated for 45mins so he did quite well considering he never exercises
surprises me how hes so thin
we left there and headed over to a chocolate place
as i needed something warm and knew they did white hot chocolate!
so we both had white hot chocolate and a free chocolate
he had a gin one i had white chocolate vanilla it was good actually
the drink was amazing and the sugar i needed
then we walked round a few shops as he needed bits a pieces
and i didnt mind to be honest
afterwards we went for a brew in the pub we went to last time
and basically sat in there talking
ive wondered for a while now - the short less than a month while ive known jack - that if he likes me but kinda was kidding myself thinking "he couldnt possibly like me that way"
but today confirmed it for me
we talked about stuff about relationships and before i knew it he told me he liked me...
and has done for a while
i started that job 21st feb so not even a month has gone by yet!
must have made a great impression XD
ive told him everything that is 'wrong' with me
and he still decided he wanted to be my friend
i kinda said something along the lines of "are you serious? you can do better. I require a lot of patience" but he was fine with it all and said we could take it as slow as i needed to and see how stuff goes. yeah scary, told him i find it scary
like the immature child i am
i kind agreed but only if he will still be my friend if it doesnt work out and he pinky promised on that one ^^ i dont want it to change our friendship
so i think i have a boyfriend >< not sure how this kinda thing has happened but seems to have happened quite suddenly
ive gone from december crying and feeling like giving up to having a new job, friends and a relationship
we sat together talking, i felt the sugar kick in from hot chocolate and tea
and i know my other half likes jack a lot and i almost changed
i havent changed since september
im not sure how i kept it together
he asked if i was alright i told him i almost changed
what is it about him that attracts her so? never been in this situation before
shes pleased with today's outcome anyway and has been waiting for him to ask us out
but changing is not something i want to do
ive told him tho just in case it ever happens but he seems fine with it
but he hasnt met her yet
i originally said id eat when i get home but as the evening went on
i realised id only had cereal and hot chocolate all day and that if i went home like that
i would get told off
so we ate i had mac cheese with potato wedges which i didnt eat as there was far too much pasta and it was a kids meal, freakin huge kids meal. jack had a chicken burger
then we left as my last bus was shortly approaching
he waited at the bus stop for me
i told him he didnt need to but he did
today my little achievements have been to hold his hand - briefly and to give him a hug goodbye
both good things for me to do as i struggle with touch
when i got off the bus i drove to the Range as it was like a 2min drive and i brought a canvas and some clay then came home
showered, diary, and now gonna get Oz
ive told 2 people about my relationship status - both guys XD
ive spoke to mum about my day but i will talk to her tomorrow about jack
its still sinking in to be honest
im glad and happy just very nervous and has put to rest me wondering if he likes me or not XD
i dont feel pressured and we can see where stuff goes~
one step as a time as he tells me~
Konbanwa~
I hardly slept
took me til 12 to sleep I had to go downstairs
for some pain relief as i just ached
I woke up at 4am and dosed til 5am then
at 6:30am I couldnt bare it any longer so decided id start my day
i was shattered tho mentally and physically
so i didnt feel great
i sugared up before work
got to school
my first time working an inset day
so weird not having any students there
all the staff were in casual clothes apart from us 4
and thats because we dont want to wreck our causal clothes with chemicals
I spent my morning topping up labs, washing up, cleaning up
had a bit of jack's company but was mainly left to my own devices
so i was a lil lonely and could have been doing with my ipod
something which alan had >.> hes learned from past experiences
inset day = bring your ipod
we decided to stop for lunch which we were told was at 12:15pm
so we went off at 12:10 to beat the crowd
but upon turning the corner to the cafe we saw it was rammed full
then we walked to the food, i was down for vegetarian but no one was checking
what people had ordered and i decided to go for the fish and chips option
as the vegetarian looked like dog food
there was cakes
just a lot of food, a lot of people
my anxiety spiked
and jack turned to me and asked if i was alright i said i was fine
he seems to be quite tuned into me or pays attention to me
i got my food and sat down with rebecca alan jack liv
alacia had taken her food to her room she didnt want to sit in the cafe
and to be honest she had the right idea
it was noisy and busy and crammed
i didnt want my food
i ate my beans, a few chips and a bite of my fish
and left it, i had my cake even tho i didnt want it, its a sin to waste cake
i felt quite queasy afterwards and had had enough of sitting there
i needed sanctuary
so i didnt say anything to the group and left
i walked to our science office - where we usually have lunch
and had an anxiety attack
not the full on hyperventilating one luckily
just more wanting to be sick, twisted stomach and silently crying
i hated myself
i hated what i ate, how fat i was, that i had gotten upset, why was i even like this?
it was like out of no where this huge mountain of thoughts was just dumped on my head
i was tempted to ring mum but knew id cry harder if i did that so
i just waited for it to pass
i had a message on my phone from jack asking if i was alright
i said "im fine"
i sat there and heard my team come back
only jack came into the office he sounded relieved to find me
he asked if i was ok
i said "im alright"
he said "but youre shaking"
i didnt respond
he said "was it too much for you in there?"
i hated how pathetic i must have looked
he told me to take as much time as I needed
i didnt want him to see me like that
i dont like anyone seeing me like that
its hideous
eventually i felt stable enough to continue with my work
but i felt terrible
my legs were shaky i felt sick and dizzy
i almost thought about going home
and i trudged round the labs half in a saddened daze
til my motivation and determination kicked in
the voice of "i dont want to give in" "i dont want to lose" "this wont be like my previous school job" and i rallied then
jack had left me for his appraisal and when he came back he found me in my usual mood
he kinda had a double take XD guess he didnt know what he was coming back to
the rest of the shift went quite slow just cus it was a bit boring
after a lil while. been over a sink for hours!
so much stuff to clean -_____-
we left school and wished each other a good half term
i got home, drained
mum made me a brew
i went on just dance and did half hour of yoga
then had a shower
then had dinner and went on my laptop for a short time
gonna paint my nails tonight
hoping theres another episode of 8 out of 10 cats does countdown tonight
forgot to check!
tomorrow im going ice skating!
going with jack
meeting him at 11am which he isnt impressed about as it means he has to see the AM hours XD
should be a nice day anyway
i hope thats the last of my anxiety attacks at school
i did text jack to apologise he told me i had nothing to apologise for and he wishes he could be of more help, hes really nice to me and we text a lot
gives me hope that there are good patient guys in the world
here is a highlighter ive brought
in shops its £25+ i got it for £7 off ebay new
i see loads of youtubers using it and wanted a go
its alright i guess, fancy opening tho its like magnetic
Evening~~
Didn't sleep great
and Jack told me at 8pm that I wasnt needed at school
so i thought I could at least sleep in the morning
but no
as agency rang
even tho they know NOT to ring me in the morning
so that woke me >.>
turns out they wanted me at my local primary school
where I did my TA training
I havent been there for 2 years
and whilst I really wanted to recover and do my own thing today
i knew it was easy money so I agreed
I got up and ready and was at school within the hour
i had walked to school too as the time it would have taken to defrost
my car i may as well walk
i was in year 1 which has Mia's nephew in!!!
never worked in his class before
proper freaked him out when I knew his name
i know him he doesnt really know me
yeah it was good to see him really
hes a cheeky one
i worked with a teacher ive worked with loads before
i got through the morning
at cake on lunch which gave me stomach ache
why cant i eat at work!? really frustrating as i wasnt anxious in the slightest
i know that school like the back of my hand and the staff and a lot of the kids
during lunch mia phoned me as i told her i was in her nephews class
she was with her sister who's child it is
they were on loud speaker so i was filling them in really XD
it was fun and gave me company on my lunch break
after lunch i had to turn inside out 60 cereal boxes
i have quite a few cardboard cute on my fingers -______-
it was good to see the staff who warmly welcomed me
they wanted me in again tomorrow but im at proper job tomorrow
I walked home and had a brew with mum
then i sat on my laptop for half hour
then sat with Oz and went yoga
yoga was good actually even tho i wasnt totally in the mood to go out for it
its inset day tomorrow at school
so that means two things
no students + free school lunch
never been in a school on inset day
anxious about having to eat at school as ive been taking in hot chocolate and
just having that but now a meal is being brought to me
all i know is its vegetarian as thats what i chose but it didnt state WHAT it was
think im doing different lab jobs we cant normally get done tomorrow
so should be different
i did a doodle which i saved for valentines day
it wasnt actually for valentines day but i figured it could be used for it
made me sick today how many kids were into valentines day
i for one will not be encouraging my 6 year old child with that crap
Jack offered to see me tonight but i told him theres no point
as everywhere is full of loved up couples
ill see him on saturday anyway
get to annoy him tomorrow hopefully
Evening~~~
I went to pub quiz last night~~
I made myself some dinner and then set off for 5:15pm
we were all suppose to meet at 6pm
i had an idea where I the pub was but i txted Jack to say
if i got lost he had to find me
he suggested to meet up and walk together as it turns out the
others were gonna take a while yet to get there
so we met up and i ended up leading him to the pub -___-
he told me he had a bad sense of direction, now he tells me XD
so we sat together
and he ordered food but i didnt as id eaten
he brought me a drink
i tried his cider when he wasnt looking but then i confessed to doing it
he didnt seem that bothered, but cider is gross no matter what fruit its made from
but i just wanted to annoy him
shame it didnt work
Alan turned up
and he ordered a drink
both him and jack looked tired as theyd been a man down that day and had
done shed loads of running around, alan had done 19,000 steps
you do a lot steps in this job but yesterday killed them i think
Alicia and Liv turned up after having eaten thai food
i would have so joined them for thai food T^T
we sat and talked
the quiz sheets came round
and it was a themed quiz - 00's music -____-
so you have
me - dont listen to english music
jack - sucks at names
alan - only 18 years old
liv and alicia both 21 years old
yeah wasnt a great start
we knew nothing....
we were so bad
i robbed a bit of the next cider jack chose
once again to try and annoy him
and once again i did it without him knowing
even tho we'd be been sat next to one another all evening XD
i felt anxious a few times and one time i did feel like i was gonna
have a anxiety attack
just was tired and not used to any of what was going off
but talked myself out of it
jack kept asking if i was ok and i said i was
we started marking the quiz realising we seriously had none of them
but apparently half our right answers were from me...who'da thought!
i suck at music
alan said his mum wanted him home for 9pm so he was leaving
i decided to leave with him cus id had enough, knew we'd lost, and knew i had work in the morning to tend to and it takes me ages to unwind as it is
i rang my brother whilst walking with alan then i left him to wait for
my brother as he said he'd come get me
alan's parents were picking him up
i waited by myself in the city centre dark streets of where i used to go college
i was fine then i heard alicia jack and liv coming
they stood talking to me and jack offered to wait with me
but i told him to go that id be fine
then i saw my brother and i left em
it was a good night and i was happy i had people who wanted to go out with me, that id actually for the first time ever have work colleges but jack is more of friend
so here we have from left to right
Alicia, Liv, Alan, Jack, Me~
Awesome pub quiz team XD
When I got in from my brother's 'expressive' driving
i had a shower ready for school in the morning and sat with Oz as it was 9:30pm
and mum said he was waiting for me ><
I went to bed at 10pm
i laid there and laid there until i got up for pain killers at midnight and cereal
then went to bed at 1am were i woke up at 5am and been awake since!
im shattered!!!
School
i had to be there for 8am never been there THAT early
so i had to be up for 6:30am and just got to school on time!
My day was full on
and i didnt stop from 8am til 1pm which was when my half hour lunch was
good thing about today was - i didnt get anxious night before, i wasnt anxious in the morning and the hot chocolate a lunch didnt give me stomach ache
did pretty well as far as mentalness goes today!
i mixed a lot of chemicals up and got a fair bit of lesson stuff ready
im getting better at it all but still have a long way to go
i finished at 3pm jack and alan didnt finish til 4pm and jack threw something at me as i was leaving the door saying "i hate you!" XD thats what i say to him frequently XD
i got home and had a brew with mum
did some dancing as i was desperate to stretch out and loosen up
mum had had some shockwave treatment on her feet and was struggling to walk
so i helped with dinner
then i went on my laptop and showered
gonna sit with Oz soon
tomorrow hasnt been decided yet
as i could be at work and could not be,, depends
but i will keep myself entertained if im at home
its stupid valentines day tomorrow
what a stupid holiday
i wouldnt celebrate it even if i had a relationship!
ive done a doodle that i could use for valentines day which i will upload tomorrow
Afternoon~
I didn't sleep great took me over 2 hours to get off
its stupid
I felt quite shattered when I got up this morning
so I did half hour of yoga in front of Ouran High School Host Club
randomly felt like watching it
then I tried a different zumba video but it wasnt very good
and I was feeling tired
it was 26mins long and i turned it off at 22mins past
id had enough really
Had a shower
then went food shopping with mum
had lunch and went to bed
i knew i had pub quiz tonight and would be tired
what with the way i was feeling
i got up and had a rejig of my otaku shelves really
got much more room now ^^
my cousin's birthday card came in the post today
she had lovingly done me some art work
its truly stunning
and i told her id treasure it always!
Got ready to go out for pub quiz
which is 7pm til 9:30pm in the city centre
so im quite anxious but hopefully will be ok
then Jack asked if i wanted extra hours tomorrow
like half hour before i go out the house
so ive now got to get stuff ready for that!!!
stress!
8am til 3pm im gonna be tired ><
Evening
2 good things happened today~
first~ I only woke up once in the night!
Second~ I finished my painting!
Im pleased with it
and the outline really makes it ^^ its on the wall in the back room
I checked my ebay this morning
and I had won 2 figures so slowly my room will get a change round~
when I have everything in place I will have a sort out ^^
I did my dancing and painting this morning
then got ready for school
school which i felt anxious about last night and this morning >.>
stupid really
School I was just trimming stuff on the paper cutter whilst jack and alan
ate their lunch. then Jack took me upstairs to mix chemicals
i did pretty well and made i think 10 litres of chemical in the end
so yeah i was pleased with my achievement
and the whole time me and jack are laughing and throwing insults at one another
its good fun ^^ i certainly bring something to his quiet days XD
I came home and had a brew with mum and Oz
then I did some yoga
then went on my laptop
and now im wondering weather to do some science homework
or to do some drawing or both
tomorrow not got anything planned in the day
but in the evening i have the pub quiz to attend
