Evening~~
I took a sleeping tablet last night
i was so tired that i felt it could be worth a go
i did get off to sleep about 9:30pm
I woke up at 4am i think to literally turn over then i fell back to sleep
had a dream i had a job of putting monsters on a train
random
I woke up at 8:15 am
so all in all pretty damn good
still came with the gross taste in my mouth tho
so Ive had that all day, that and ive felt pretty out of it all day
like drowsy all day, very subdued anyway
I still got up and did half hour of dancing, somehow
i enjoyed it as it got me moving but my god my joints clicked
shows i stayed still all night
i had a shower then went on my laptop for a lil while
I sat and did some painting but it totally 100% sucked and did not
come out how i intended so it went straight in the bin!
need another idea for a canvas now
I did a doodle for my thought book, the idea came to me yesterday
at least that came out kinda alright
its the book im only allowed to spend 30mins on a drawing
i fell asleep for a lot of the afternoon
i was cold so thats why i originally crawled in my bed
to be warm and read and just fell asleep i think i was so drowsy it was gonna happen
but i couldnt be bothered to get up
i got up and started planning out Jack's nerd picture but i wasnt in the total
right frame of mind to do it
i made the decision that tomorrow me and jack will hopefully go crazy golf in the city centre
ive done it before and he says hes not great at golf but nether am i
so i asked him if he wanted to play punishment game
and he said i like being cruel and adding pressure XD
if i can make him squirm i will
so by 8pm tonight we have to announce our punishments
i think mine will be that i will make him carry my bag for the rest of the day
im gonna take a purple girly one just in case i win
god knows what he will make me do tho
kinda nervous to find out as i do want to sleep tonight and not just worry all night XD
we're meeting up at 11am and leaving a 4pm as he's seeing his nerd friends
and ive got yoga to attend
so at least i have something going on tomorrow
as for tonight i might do some dancing and sort out stuff for tomorrow
Evening
Hardly slept
i am truly shattered
honestly just so damn tired
when will this end!!!
its been months since Ive slept through the night
I got up at 7:15am
did my morning routine and then had a shower
and got ready to see Jack
I got into the city centre pretty early so I went in a few shops
and its just as well cus he was a lil late but i wasnt arsed as i people watch
We walked up to the kitty cafe and was told it was fully booked
but had a half hour slot for £6 each and i kinda just thought i wasnt that arsed
so we walked round to find a suitable cafe to sit in
and he showed me his nerdery book and we made a character
that i wrote down so i can hopefully draw it
its gonna take some drawing as well cus theyres a sodding horse to contend with
we stayed there and shared a slice of cake which was good
then we walked down to the bowling alley
we booked a lane for 3pm and until then we played pool
the table was totally wrecked but it was free
i lost all 3 games but not bothered
bowling on the other hand i thrashed him at
it was 65 points to 106!! i did really well ^^
we set each other 'punishments' if we lost
mine was that i got to make him wear my massive unicorn necklace i had one
his was i had to hold his hand
just him saying that made me nervous
and i was determined to win
after the game i didnt make him wear my necklace outside i felt too cruel doing that
we walked to a pub and sat in there with a hot chocolate
and he put the necklace on
we talked and decided that i could just about hold his hand
it was nerve wracking for some reason
and my cheeks felt hot i felt so nervous
never felt stuff like this before
we sat like that for a while i was a bit quiet as i felt so damn tired
he asked if i was ok and i was i was just done in
and i dont think hes ever seen me so tired XD
usually im always hyper beans round him
i told him one day he'd see me worn out
he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me
i got home and had dinner
im so tired now
literally cant even be bothered to do my diary
i might take a sleeping tablet tonight cus im hoping it will knock me out
i got my tens machine out last night to help with pain
been years since i used it
guess it helped a bit
next time i see jack will be thursday as im busy friday and hes busy saturday
not sure what we're doing as of yet
tomorrow id like to start my painting
2 figures came today so ive placed them in my room but might have a switch round yet
its looking different tho my room is
Evening~~
Didn't sleep
woke up at 1am feeling like i was gonna be sick
i think i ached that much i just felt sick so i got up
and had a sickness tablet and cereals to take the taste away
i was back in bed for 2am
still didnt sleep great and had an awful dream about orphan children being squished under heavy machinery it was like a warehouse that too orphans to basically kill them, they fed them hay and just made them into a pulp, some believed they would get some went mad, i could fly (somehow XD) and was trying to find a way in to try and save some but couldnt get in anywhere
woke up after i watched just too much blood
my subconscious is a frightening thing considering i dont watch horror stuff
i felt so damn tired this morning
mentally and physically
but still i got on with my day
i sorted bits out in my room and it is looking tidier
i mean it was tidy it just had a lot of stuff on display
took posters down and new ones up
made my brother a bday card
drew out a canvas
did dancing til i was dripping in sweat
washed my car
sat with my ozwald
i also told mum and me and jack now its finally sunk in
i was struggling to find the right moment as i was nervous about telling her for some reason
i think cus it meant revealing how i really felt and meant i had to talk about my other self
she was dead happy for me and hugged me and everything
yeah she thinks someone might take care of me and ill be free from her hands XD
nah she was good and happy for me ^^
she seems to think jack sounds nice ><
just got mia to tell -____- yeah thats gonna be 50 questions right there and then XD
i put some music on my ipod ive been meaning to do for a while now
got too many dances i want to learn! thats my trouble now ><
gonna just do a bit dance rehearsal tonight then sit with oz
and hopefully, my god hopefully sleep
im getting so tired i just cant think
and i dont wanna look like death when i see jack tomorrow
tomorrow
going kitty cafe with jack ^^
then were gonna look at this game book he's got so i can help design him a character so i can draw it for him :)
suppose to be seeing mia but not heard from her
here is a face oil i brought for £7 from korea
i wasnt sure how id get on with a face oil but im hooked!
ive used it for a few days now and im so shocked at how well it absorbs and how soft my skin is the next day! i love it! and they do different ones this one is vitamin C for dry skin as my skin this time of year is dry. but ive got mum into it and shes ordered her own but anti wrinkle one which im gonna try just to see if it feels the same but its great stuff ^^ better than creams anyway
Evening~~
God I hardly slept
I fell asleep really quite quickly last night
but woke up at 11:45pm to the sound of mum's car alarm going off :S
bit weird
then woke up at 12:30, 1:45, 2:30 and stayed awake til 5:30am
dont think i really slept that well from 5:30am
so I was tired when I woke up at 7:30
and I'll tell you what was keeping me up
thinking of jack! how frustrating is that!?
honestly what good does thinking about stuff do during the night -____-
did my head in
could not tune off
all sorts of questions were mulling through my mind
how long will it last? when I will tell people? will he regret it? how long before i get used to him?
just stuff which i guess boils down to insecurities on my part ><
so i was suppose to go over to tara's today for...
WAFFLE DAY!
a day we've wanted to do since before christmas
but because of one thing or another we've had to cancel it
but today it finally happened. when tara finally got round to texting me anyway
i went over around 11am
she had got Blue over - her family's staffie
never met him before
he's 9 years old and totally mentally
like if he was a human he'd be easily diagnosed with ADHD
he just mad and full of energy despite being on a 90min walk in the morning and tara telling me that this was him 'good' crazy
so we sat talking for a bit
she couldnt believe jack had asked me out
to be honest nether can i
we went to make the waffles
i had two
one with white chocolate + chocolate spread
the other white chocolate + peanut butter
first one was best
and i didnt go too hyper on sugar
then we attempted to play on her wii but blue kept getting in the way and you cant lock him out of rooms as he goes crazy
we sat in the living room with james and i had a real long play fight with blue
first with toys then just with my bare hands
i have quite a lot of red teeth marks on my hands XD doesnt hurt
and im not scared in the slightest of dogs
so yeah i was practically rolling on the floor with him and tara and james watching our fight, blue was growling so much XD but kept coming back for more!
they liked how i could play with him as they said some friends find him scary
then we walked him back to tara's mum's house
were i met her younger brother who i believe is 22
i could see the resemblance but they didnt look too much alike and he was pleasant
reminded me of my brother to be honest
and they get on well
so after we dropped blue off there we walked back to tara's and had the bunnies out
they covered me in fur -___-
we sat and talked and i finally told her about my split personality as i kept forgetting to tell her!
she was fine with it and didnt bother her
i dont know why last year i worried so much about my mental health and what others would think of me to be honest. everyone has been accepting of it
it hasnt scared anyone off anyway
then i went home at 5:15pm
got in and took my make up off and put stuff away and had dinner
jack text to ask about my day
i told him i ate my weight in waffles and had a fight with a staffie
he replied
"im reading that as: you went on a sugar high and attacked a dog"
i burst out laughing, the guy knows me XD
turns out he didnt sleep great ether cus he was too happy he says
i like how hes happy and im just nervous, scared and insecure
life is unfair >.>
not his fault or anything its just my mentalness
tonight im gonna do some yoga or dancing or something
shower and sit with Ozwald
might try the epliator tonight
i feel like having a go
dealing with the pain
tomorrow just gonna entertain myself really
got sorting of bedroom to do and creative stuff and my car wants a wash
here is the LAST Noragami manga i ordered
the last of a series
so thats another series of manga completed i collect
im gonna read em when i can~
Konbanwa~
I took pain killers and calms last night
in the hope it would help me sleep!
It did work but I woke up at 2am annoyed that I had woken
but soon went back to sleep luckily
and that was the only time I woke up as I was having a dream aboutt
an old lady chasing me
the chase was getting higher and higher until i realised i needed to
be able to fly to escape her and thats exactly what i did!
it was great until she had the ability to fly also
and thats when i woke up at 7:30am
I got up and cleaned my piglets out
then I showered and got ready to see Jack
we were meeting at 11am at the ice stadium
i saw him in the in queue behind me
i went and reserved us a locker for my coat and bag
we got skates on
there was a fair amount of people there and children too
i was so nervous as i didnt want to fall over!
luckily I didnt and i was much better than jack
something that is a rarity - me better at something than him XD
he couldt go that fast
he said i looked elegant whilst ice skating but then said he put it down to my long flowy lace sleeves which did feel appropriate for ice skating actually ^^
so i went off a few times going fast as I enjoy that
and when he'd had enough as his stamina sucked i held his hand for the last lap and pulled him with my speed he thought he was gonna die
we skated for 45mins so he did quite well considering he never exercises
surprises me how hes so thin
we left there and headed over to a chocolate place
as i needed something warm and knew they did white hot chocolate!
so we both had white hot chocolate and a free chocolate
he had a gin one i had white chocolate vanilla it was good actually
the drink was amazing and the sugar i needed
then we walked round a few shops as he needed bits a pieces
and i didnt mind to be honest
afterwards we went for a brew in the pub we went to last time
and basically sat in there talking
ive wondered for a while now - the short less than a month while ive known jack - that if he likes me but kinda was kidding myself thinking "he couldnt possibly like me that way"
but today confirmed it for me
we talked about stuff about relationships and before i knew it he told me he liked me...
and has done for a while
i started that job 21st feb so not even a month has gone by yet!
must have made a great impression XD
ive told him everything that is 'wrong' with me
and he still decided he wanted to be my friend
i kinda said something along the lines of "are you serious? you can do better. I require a lot of patience" but he was fine with it all and said we could take it as slow as i needed to and see how stuff goes. yeah scary, told him i find it scary
like the immature child i am
i kind agreed but only if he will still be my friend if it doesnt work out and he pinky promised on that one ^^ i dont want it to change our friendship
so i think i have a boyfriend >< not sure how this kinda thing has happened but seems to have happened quite suddenly
ive gone from december crying and feeling like giving up to having a new job, friends and a relationship
we sat together talking, i felt the sugar kick in from hot chocolate and tea
and i know my other half likes jack a lot and i almost changed
i havent changed since september
im not sure how i kept it together
he asked if i was alright i told him i almost changed
what is it about him that attracts her so? never been in this situation before
shes pleased with today's outcome anyway and has been waiting for him to ask us out
but changing is not something i want to do
ive told him tho just in case it ever happens but he seems fine with it
but he hasnt met her yet
i originally said id eat when i get home but as the evening went on
i realised id only had cereal and hot chocolate all day and that if i went home like that
i would get told off
so we ate i had mac cheese with potato wedges which i didnt eat as there was far too much pasta and it was a kids meal, freakin huge kids meal. jack had a chicken burger
then we left as my last bus was shortly approaching
he waited at the bus stop for me
i told him he didnt need to but he did
today my little achievements have been to hold his hand - briefly and to give him a hug goodbye
both good things for me to do as i struggle with touch
when i got off the bus i drove to the Range as it was like a 2min drive and i brought a canvas and some clay then came home
showered, diary, and now gonna get Oz
ive told 2 people about my relationship status - both guys XD
ive spoke to mum about my day but i will talk to her tomorrow about jack
its still sinking in to be honest
im glad and happy just very nervous and has put to rest me wondering if he likes me or not XD
i dont feel pressured and we can see where stuff goes~
one step as a time as he tells me~
Konbanwa~
I hardly slept
took me til 12 to sleep I had to go downstairs
for some pain relief as i just ached
I woke up at 4am and dosed til 5am then
at 6:30am I couldnt bare it any longer so decided id start my day
i was shattered tho mentally and physically
so i didnt feel great
i sugared up before work
got to school
my first time working an inset day
so weird not having any students there
all the staff were in casual clothes apart from us 4
and thats because we dont want to wreck our causal clothes with chemicals
I spent my morning topping up labs, washing up, cleaning up
had a bit of jack's company but was mainly left to my own devices
so i was a lil lonely and could have been doing with my ipod
something which alan had >.> hes learned from past experiences
inset day = bring your ipod
we decided to stop for lunch which we were told was at 12:15pm
so we went off at 12:10 to beat the crowd
but upon turning the corner to the cafe we saw it was rammed full
then we walked to the food, i was down for vegetarian but no one was checking
what people had ordered and i decided to go for the fish and chips option
as the vegetarian looked like dog food
there was cakes
just a lot of food, a lot of people
my anxiety spiked
and jack turned to me and asked if i was alright i said i was fine
he seems to be quite tuned into me or pays attention to me
i got my food and sat down with rebecca alan jack liv
alacia had taken her food to her room she didnt want to sit in the cafe
and to be honest she had the right idea
it was noisy and busy and crammed
i didnt want my food
i ate my beans, a few chips and a bite of my fish
and left it, i had my cake even tho i didnt want it, its a sin to waste cake
i felt quite queasy afterwards and had had enough of sitting there
i needed sanctuary
so i didnt say anything to the group and left
i walked to our science office - where we usually have lunch
and had an anxiety attack
not the full on hyperventilating one luckily
just more wanting to be sick, twisted stomach and silently crying
i hated myself
i hated what i ate, how fat i was, that i had gotten upset, why was i even like this?
it was like out of no where this huge mountain of thoughts was just dumped on my head
i was tempted to ring mum but knew id cry harder if i did that so
i just waited for it to pass
i had a message on my phone from jack asking if i was alright
i said "im fine"
i sat there and heard my team come back
only jack came into the office he sounded relieved to find me
he asked if i was ok
i said "im alright"
he said "but youre shaking"
i didnt respond
he said "was it too much for you in there?"
i hated how pathetic i must have looked
he told me to take as much time as I needed
i didnt want him to see me like that
i dont like anyone seeing me like that
its hideous
eventually i felt stable enough to continue with my work
but i felt terrible
my legs were shaky i felt sick and dizzy
i almost thought about going home
and i trudged round the labs half in a saddened daze
til my motivation and determination kicked in
the voice of "i dont want to give in" "i dont want to lose" "this wont be like my previous school job" and i rallied then
jack had left me for his appraisal and when he came back he found me in my usual mood
he kinda had a double take XD guess he didnt know what he was coming back to
the rest of the shift went quite slow just cus it was a bit boring
after a lil while. been over a sink for hours!
so much stuff to clean -_____-
we left school and wished each other a good half term
i got home, drained
mum made me a brew
i went on just dance and did half hour of yoga
then had a shower
then had dinner and went on my laptop for a short time
gonna paint my nails tonight
hoping theres another episode of 8 out of 10 cats does countdown tonight
forgot to check!
tomorrow im going ice skating!
going with jack
meeting him at 11am which he isnt impressed about as it means he has to see the AM hours XD
should be a nice day anyway
i hope thats the last of my anxiety attacks at school
i did text jack to apologise he told me i had nothing to apologise for and he wishes he could be of more help, hes really nice to me and we text a lot
gives me hope that there are good patient guys in the world
here is a highlighter ive brought
in shops its £25+ i got it for £7 off ebay new
i see loads of youtubers using it and wanted a go
its alright i guess, fancy opening tho its like magnetic
Evening~~
Didn't sleep great
and Jack told me at 8pm that I wasnt needed at school
so i thought I could at least sleep in the morning
but no
as agency rang
even tho they know NOT to ring me in the morning
so that woke me >.>
turns out they wanted me at my local primary school
where I did my TA training
I havent been there for 2 years
and whilst I really wanted to recover and do my own thing today
i knew it was easy money so I agreed
I got up and ready and was at school within the hour
i had walked to school too as the time it would have taken to defrost
my car i may as well walk
i was in year 1 which has Mia's nephew in!!!
never worked in his class before
proper freaked him out when I knew his name
i know him he doesnt really know me
yeah it was good to see him really
hes a cheeky one
i worked with a teacher ive worked with loads before
i got through the morning
at cake on lunch which gave me stomach ache
why cant i eat at work!? really frustrating as i wasnt anxious in the slightest
i know that school like the back of my hand and the staff and a lot of the kids
during lunch mia phoned me as i told her i was in her nephews class
she was with her sister who's child it is
they were on loud speaker so i was filling them in really XD
it was fun and gave me company on my lunch break
after lunch i had to turn inside out 60 cereal boxes
i have quite a few cardboard cute on my fingers -______-
it was good to see the staff who warmly welcomed me
they wanted me in again tomorrow but im at proper job tomorrow
I walked home and had a brew with mum
then i sat on my laptop for half hour
then sat with Oz and went yoga
yoga was good actually even tho i wasnt totally in the mood to go out for it
its inset day tomorrow at school
so that means two things
no students + free school lunch
never been in a school on inset day
anxious about having to eat at school as ive been taking in hot chocolate and
just having that but now a meal is being brought to me
all i know is its vegetarian as thats what i chose but it didnt state WHAT it was
think im doing different lab jobs we cant normally get done tomorrow
so should be different
i did a doodle which i saved for valentines day
it wasnt actually for valentines day but i figured it could be used for it
made me sick today how many kids were into valentines day
i for one will not be encouraging my 6 year old child with that crap
Jack offered to see me tonight but i told him theres no point
as everywhere is full of loved up couples
ill see him on saturday anyway
get to annoy him tomorrow hopefully
