Evening
So last night I was finding it hard to fall asleep as I felt sick from one too many painkillers
my dad for the last 2 weeks has been faffing with this house brick in the garden, it is blocking a rather large hole in the fence and my brother one night saw a hedgehog in our garden! we worked out it was using this hole. Dad put a brick there so Oz didnt get any bright ideas, as he has sniffed the area out. Every night since my dad has moved the brick and then returned it in the morning. I dont want him doing this particularly as i worry the day he forgets to return the brick and Oz does a runner into next door's garden - home to 4 cats and a dog...
so yesterday night my brother left some guinea pig droppings round the brick
my dad came to it and said "we have rats! im not gonna move the brick and encourage it"
me and my brother struggled hard to keep a straight face, mum knew they were guinea pig droppings but dad being dad was adamant he was right and that they were rat leavings
so last night he didnt move the brick, it remained blocking the hedgehog's path as none us actually told dad it was a prank.
I laid in bed and heard the sound of a brick moving, god knows how i heard it and recognised it
but i thought "do i get up and investigate and wake myself up or try and actually sleep?"
but you know curiosity killed the cat and all that
i got up and grabbed my ipod for the torch
i went outside and i could hear rustling - there was definitely something in the garden
then i saw it! a hedgehog!!! so cute X3 and i cant remember the last time i saw a live one, usually you see them dead in the road unfortunately.
i stood silently and watched it, it just walked around didnt even notice me, then the cold got to me and i went inside
so that was different, i left a note for dad on the table to say i have seen Mr. Hedgehog
i stayed up and ate some cereal to try and give my stomach something to chew on apart from my medication then i went to bed at 1am
slept pretty well from then
in the morning i told mum about seeing the hedgehog, and later when i saw dad he asked about it and i had to tell him it was my brother who pranked him the day before XD
i love hedgehogs theyre so cute, i just wish we had food to leave for it. we dont cater to hedgehog needs but also it can encourage vermin so we are best just letting it eat our garden critters like slugs/worms/etc
i went for a walk with mum this morning
we actually drove somewhere and went for a walk which was nice
it was like an hour long walk too
i needed a brew with my lad after that
then i went to bed at 12 to read and be warm
when i got up at 2pm i had lunch then danced for 25mins i found it exhausting
i am just so damn tired today and i ache soooo much its unfair
after my work out i went for a shower
then sat with Oz and had a brew
i decided to try and start my jacket at least
and it actually came on well much to my surprise
it was a lot easier working with this blanket than working with the last one, that stuff was awful
so i have just finished the torso
next will be the front + back + pockets
i was telling mum that Flump - who i sleep with at jack's
is starting to not be so 'flumpy' and i dont want him misshaped and such
so she suggested i find something else to sleep with
but that would mean having ANOTHER plush at jack's XD
im not sure he would be that impressed with that
but needs must
so i had a look online today
and i found the solution to my problems!
its this huge 40cm hamster/rabbit plush! i have one similar from convention one year and they are usually between £30-£40 and this one is new and packaged for £15! so i have brought it, i will show mum when it arrives and then just turn up with it at jack's flat -- whats he gonna do XD
i havent actually heard from him today :/
im just doing a bit of drawing now
but might do some dance practice later
tomorrow probably just work on my jacket
oh here is the doll i did
when she arrived her hair was in strands and a mess
so i have sorted her hair out by washing, brushing and straightening it
she also arrived naked so i made her a kimono to wear :3
Evening
I slept pretty well last night
probably good to be back in my own bed
my bed however does look like something is missing
Flump...
didnt realise how much id gotten used to seeing him on my bed
this morning i went for a walk with mum
then i did 25mins of dancing which felt good to do
then the postman came and delivered a little something to me
it was the little weird doll i ordered, just for something to do
so i got to work making a template for her kimono
chose fabrics and got to work making her a kimono
gosh shes so small so it was a little fiddly at times
but gave me something different to do and think about
i finished it
her hair was a bit of mess from being packaged and brought in from china
so i washed it and shes currently drying near the radiator
i will photograph her tomorrow~ then i will have 3 weird dolls looking at me X3
i have hung out with my lad plenty today
and i gave truffle a hair cut she was soooo good i couldnt believe how much she co-operated!
she just sat there
and she looks so cute and small again i love it
i dont enjoy cutting her fur but has to be done as she struggles to keep it clean and tidy when it becomes long, as its not only long its very dense as well
thats all i have done today really
i ate dinner and had to be in a ball for almost 2 hours with stomach pains
food just doesnt seem worth it at times!
i didnt feel like i wanted to do any drawing tonight
think all my concentration went to the kimono
my blanket came this afternoon
its a lovely shade of red and its not stretchy ether! result!
so tomorrow i will be making a start on my jacket - finally
just hope i can get my head round it you know
been a while since i have made a jacket
so thats tomorrow~
Tadaima~
I am home from jack's
I went over thursday night after putting Ozwald to bed
I've had a good time :) think it is doing me good and like stabilising me by getting out
so thursday i went over and we didnt do a lot at it was 8:45pm by the time I got over
i did help him by putting his new mattress cover on ^^ god the difference those 2 inches of feathers have made...wish he'd got one ages ago
we played on switches in bed which was nice
i tried to sleep but woke up aching and it wasnt the best of nights
but that was my fault not the bed, i was just over sensitive
in the morning it was hard to get jack out of bed, he was so warm an comfy
damn him
i got up and pounced on him til he got up
we didnt do a lot that day, we did a big walk of the canal and things and spent time with theo
we cooked pulled pork for dinner
jack had got his D&D online that night starting at 6pm
so i said to theo did he want to watch a film with me whilst jack was off nerding it out
so thats what we did
he put on i think it was called '21 jump street' typical guy film but made me laugh and i was grateful to have the company to be honest
then we sat playing on switches on the sofa
i had served up pulled pork cobs and delivered them to jack and i cleared and washed up
what a good service is that
he said he's be done at 10pm, it got to 10:30pm and i was like "what the hell is he doing?"
he ran over and i was like shattered and wanted to go bed
he came to us shortly afterwards and apologised for over running
i just wanted to go to bed
but i couldnt sleep
jack already woke me up as i was scratching and moving around a lot
i woke up and my skin felt raw and i felt annoyed - god knows what i was dreaming
so i got up cus i knew i couldnt sleep like that
i left jack in bed
i went upstairs and played on my switch and stretched out a bit and it was like 4am
i came to bed, i was crying, i was tired and felt it was so unfair that i couldnt even sleep next to my boyfriend in bed, i crawled to bed and jack kinda stirred and i asked for some covers and he gave me some and held his arm up inviting me to come cuddle him
i cuddled him and i was crying on his chest - bare chest i will add
he just held me and i thought "is he awake? is he awake and not arsed? but how has he given me covers and cuddled me?" i fell asleep at whatever time
in the morning i felt like death and really woke up on the wrong side of the bed
i was in such a mental mood
proper sucked into myself
i couldnt and didnt want to talk about how i felt
i got up straight away as i was aching badly from the bad night
i woke jack up and he asked for 5 more minutes - as usual
so i gave him 5mins then he asked for long - i gave him 30mins and at this point i took my tablets as i didnt want breakfast or to eat
i went down again and woke him, he asked for 5 more mins i said "jack ive been waiting an hour now" he swore and decided to get up, not realising that i had been waiting that long
he said i could have eaten without him
i didnt want food
and he soon caught on that i was in a bad mood
he was worried it was him
it wasnt it was me
and cus i wouldnt talk i could tell it was bothering and concerning him
so i said to him "i need out jack i need to get out and walk"
he got up and brushed his teeth, dressed, and put his shoes on and we went for a walk
i needed it and i talked that i was just feeling off and had a bad night
cus even when i had gotten to sleep i had had nightmares
i said "did you not feel me crying on your chest?"
his face dropped "no! you should have woke me! please promise me that next time you will wake me" so i pinky promised
we came back to the flat and i did feel better i kinda snapped out my mood and was able to face breakfast.
later on we went for a walk just the two of us down the canal as it was dead sunny and brought a cold drink and sat and drank it on a bench which was nice
we baked cookies we made soup we did a lot
he also introduced me to painting warhammer - something i never ever thought id do
i knew it looked hard but it has given me a new appreciation of it
my god its hard!
i didnt finish mine i lost interest, painting a small elf in a colour scheme i didnt like didnt do much for me as it turns out XD
but i liked his paintbrushes sad as it sounds
that night theo was playing against harvey online on this sad village game, i could tell jack wanted to join in so i said why didnt he play and i could do some drawing
so the 3 of us sat on laptops in the living room probably looking like serious geeks
i put my ipod on and blasted them out theres only so much nerd stuff i can take
it hit 11pm and i could no longer look at a screen and hold concentration
so i told him i was calling it a night
he said "ill do one more game"
i said "sure ill play on my switch in bed"
he had told me earlier games could take an hour but i let him get on with it
i played disgaea in bed with flump enjoying the peace
it got to midnight and still no jack
so i thought "sod this crap" left the lamp on for him and cuddled flump
i fell asleep as it turned out before jack got to bed
and i slept through!
i think i was just shattered
jack said he came to bed not too long after midnight i said he was neglecting me XD
he said i had lost flump in the night and was feeling around in my sleep for him
jack said i had grabbed his arm, stroked his beard and said his name in my sleep
i said "yeah right! youre lying, like id do that!"
he said "no jo you actually did, it was very cute"
damn it!!!!!!!!!! i need to get a grip in my sleep but he said i turned over and found flump
so today we went for a walk and as usual theo joined us, its nice we all get on so well and none us feel left out or awkward
they painted models i played on my switch as i had lost interest
we ate leftovers
and not much else really pretty relaxed day
i came home at dinner time tho as i wanted to see my Ozwald
mum had been so good with him
i sat on the sofa with him
then mum brought the girls to me
Oz didnt know which to lick, me or the girls XD so he licked all of us XD very cute
he has missed me
im gonna go see him now
i still havent got anywhere with my phone
dad has decided to write a letter - yes a letter (what year is it?) - to head office
but i cant see him getting anywhere with that
just luckily right now i dont 'need' my phone
tomorrow not sure what i will do as of yet
feel like going on a diet im always conscious of my body and food and i hate the way i feel and look so i might weigh myself and assess the damage -___-
Evening~
Despite all that I had going off yesterday
I did in fact sleep! i think I was just that dead!
i slept from 11pm til 6am
I got up at 8am and mum whizzed off to the shops
so i sorted the girls out which made a change
then I did 50mins of yoga + physio exercises
i did the exercises whilst watching the anime Charlotte which is ok i guess
mum got back and after sorting the shopping out we went for a 45min walk
i had a shower
this afternoon i was working on my picture for work
as i hadnt had any work come through so jack said just do art for the prep room
and i did pretty well
i got the cake done, well it needs a bit of editing in photoshop but i think it looks alright
it will get there
i showed it jack and he liked it :)
he rang me up on facebook actually to say that his feather mattress protector had arrived today!
what good luck is that! the night im going over and it arrives ^^ that will make my life soooo much better i tell you. i said id give him a hand putting it on when i come over
my phone still isnt working
someone has pinched my number, my phone is dead, my contract has ended
but the network still hasnt gotten in touch with us :/
i just want it sorted but god knows when that will happen cus of bank holiday tomorrow and the weekend. dad says i might be better off switching companies but because ive been with them 10 years i get a reduced fee so thats the only reason i have stayed with them. apart from that they are crap.
id change company but id end up with an expensive bill. and phones dont mean a lot to me. so i dont want to waste my money on that.
ether way i have stopped them taking money from me
i just want it sorted tho
so im going over to jack's with no phone
but mum and jack have each other's numbers so theres contact
ive spent time with my Ozwald today
ether with our usual cups of tea or outside
make him happy before i go over to jacks
i finished my snorlax cross stitch i think it looks alright :)
i will photograph it.
coming home on sunday
as dad is decorating my parents bedroom tomorrow and i need to be out the way unless i want to slash my wrists and have a million panic attacks!
evening
Despite having a lovely fluffy bed i couldnt sleep
just couldnt switch off
and ended up scratching myself to death
so i got up at 1am and stayed up for an hour
slept til 6am then just kinda snoozed til 8am
this morning i went out with mum for paint for her bedroom to be repainted on friday
i waited in the car so to keep me away from germs
i had my phone on me and it popped up with it being disconnected
so those weird txt messages i got monday did mean something after all...crap
after a walk with mum i got home and showed my brother
he basically said someone has got hold of my number and cancelled my contract
for what purpose, i cam still trying to learn
but my brother says sometimes its a way of scamming people out of money
my network said cus ive terminated the contract early i have to pay the access of my phone off
£186...
just what is going off!?
i couldnt cope and was on the verge of a panic attack
i cried
i was tired, i didnt understand, i hadnt done anything, and as the contract is still in my dads name - it involves dad...
my brother kindly rang up on my dads behalf
and someone from the fraud team is suppose to ring us up well today or tomorrow but seeing as its 8pm im guessing it will be tomorrow
i couldnt cope at all
i took myself away and sat in a ball
just silently crying
mum came to me and said it would get sorted
dad came home and my mum and brother filled him in as i couldnt even face doing that
he advised i check my bank account and stop any money going to the network in case they tried to take the outstanding £186
i have no idea why this has happened. why me? i cant handle this crap
so im hoping so badly it gets sorted tomorrow as i cant cope and i want sleep
tonight i doubt im gonna sleep with this looming over me
mum says i look shattered
i managed to have some soup at 2pm
my stomach felt twisted in a 100 knots
then i kinda thought "nothing more i can do right now"
so i went into the garden with mum and Oz
she was gardening and Oz was 'assisting'
i decided to do bare feet yoga for the first time this year
it was so hot out too and i always enjoy bare foot yoga
Oz kept coming and licking my face or my feet....
he was rolling in the soil mum had turned it was cute
we were all warm tho and sweating
i did chill out a bit and mum has reassured me we will get it sorted
i came in and played on my switch as i havent done that for a few days now
just needed chill out time
i painted my nails too
i made myself a sandwich for dinner as i didnt feel like much
then i went into my room to draw and zone out
i cant seem to get on with the second lolita girl i drew so ive started a fresh one
its going well so far
i do all my best art work when im in a down mood
honestly the art i have whipped out when im upset is loads better than my usual stuff XD
but i like this girl shes coming along well :)
tonight god knows how the night will go
i feel sick now like i have done all day but i ache
so do i take more pain killers and feel even more sick or deal with pain?
tomorrow
well i hope my phone gets sorted
and im having a normal day at home then im going over to jack's in the evening hopefully
as dad is decorating on friday so im gonna be gone for that
Evening
It was nice to be in my own bed
i like sleeping next to jack course i do, but his bed is awful
mine was much needed and i think i got 9-10 hours sleep!
i cant remember the last time i slept so well!
whats more is my new feather mattress cover has arrived!
and oh my god its sooooo padded!!!!! mine was so thin i didnt realise
i wish i had brought a new one ages ago!
so its on my bed ready for a test sleep
when i was at jack's he saw practically crying in pain on his bed
so he said we would order a mattress topper too if it will help me
so hes got one coming for his bed :3 that will be a total godsend i tell you
this morning i got up so late is was like 9:30am
i did 20 mins of dancing then went for a walk with mum
came home and showered
i was gonna do some stretches but i havent done them
i am due to my physio exercises. it is 8:50pm i should do them
after lunch
i cut my brother's hair...
i have never done this!
i have cut my fringe loads, i have cut jack's hair several times
i felt somewhat confident and got on with it
he has it long on top like 2 or 3 inches then shaved round the sides
and i think ive done quite a good job actually
my brother and mum are impressed with it
so hes lucky hes had a hair cut lucky him
i didnt mind doing it for him
in the afternoon
i started my jacket
i wasnt thrilled when i unpackaged the blanket
it felt thinner quality to what im used to and i noticed it - stretched -
do not like working with stretch fabric :/
but i continued on and cut the bodice
started sewing and it soon became apparent that this was not the material to work with
stretched too much and i thought by the time i come to attatching it together
its just gonna look so out of shape and the pile will be in all directions
so i threw the bodice away and put the rest of the blanket away to use as cushion cover backs
as thats all it is good for
i went online and throughly looked at blankets
i have ordered another, this is my last attempt
its hard not being able to buy them from shops, the shop i get them from usually is currently shut. it totally sucks! so last go and then i will just have to wait til the shops are open
annoying now as i have to wait for this blanket to come!
after dinner i died of stomach pains, i did yesterday as well
two days on the go i eat dinner then im in a ball as im in pain
like being kicked in the gut
so that wasted my evening cus i couldnt move
all my life it seems i am doomed to have stomach complaints
i hope tomorrow it doesnt happen
tomorrow
probably work on the snorlax cross stitch that still needs finishing
and drawing
looking forward to sleeping in my bed ^^
jack said he couldnt sleep last night he says he got used to having me in his bed XD
Evening
Tadaima~
I am home~~
Friday I left to go to jack's due to my dad redecorating on the saturday morning
He let me in, but then went straight back to D&D on his computer
so I sat catching up with Theo til jack had finished
it was good to see Theo
then the three of us talked for a bit and went to bed
i couldnt sleep really and ended up having a rather violent nightmare
jack said i was whimpering and almost crying he was gonna wake me as his attempts to sooth me in my sleep werent working, until i yelled out and woke myself up
i was having a nightmare with my other half, and she can't half dish out some punishment
so safe to say i couldnt sleep easily after that!
saturday
we had a lazy saturday really
we did a walk
we played switches
then over 5 hours was taken up with socialising!
as at 4pm jack's family wanted to talk to him
so we had a split screen of
jack's brother
jack's mum + sisters
jack's nan
then us 2
it was good fun to talk to them as i havent spoken to them in quite a while
and they all seemed to be doing well
we spoke for an hour and a half
then we had dinner
then we signed into another video talk
with jack's school friends - the hogwarts crew i call them
they were all having a drink and chatting
it was good i really enjoyed it
and i kept robbing bits of jack's gin & lemonade
thinking it might help me to sleep
we stayed up chatting til midnight
they all still make fun of jack and ask me why i go out with him XD
they all make fun of one another, but its funny
they like my innocence as well it seems
but i never feel uncomfortable or left out when im with them
i do feel 'one of the lads' somehow this has happened XD
we signed out and went to bed
jack had had a few drinks so was pretty ready for bed
i on the other hand could not get comfy and was in a lot of pain
i told him i was getting up for a bit
he was gonna join me but i couldnt see the point in us both being tired
so i left him in bed and joined him at 2:30am
i had tried to get comfy in the living room but wasnt happening
so that was another rough night
sunday we got up and jack showed me a few exercises he does
and theo and jack got me to do a press up and after i did it, they had gone silent
i was like "what?" thinking 'was it bad? was my butt sticking up?'
but it turns out it was cus jack does 'girly' press ups he does them on his knees XD
i hadnt realised he was THAT weedy XD
so yeah i can out press up my boyfriend
then he did sit ups and i find that easy
so i was doing them next to him as she shakily came up and down
he was like "how you even doing that!? are you just moving your hips?"
i said "no im doing sit ups"
theo piped in "dont have ago jack, just cus shes got a core and you havent" XD
he looked quite deflated by the end of it all
he went to theo's weights and i did yoga as i wasnt prepared to hurt my joints with weights
we went for a walk later and made food and played switches
then he had his online gaming so i was theo whilst he was playing on his switch
then we sat talking to harvey and they were both disgusted that jack had chose games over me
but im fine with it doesnt bother me
theo considered himself babysitting me XD
that night i couldnt sleep, i tried til about 12:30 and said to jack i couldnt do it
i had put blanket on the mattress and i was wrapped in the dressing gown
but it wasnt enough
so for the 3rd night i had to sleep on top of the duvet wrapped in dressing gowns and blankets
jack started to join in but i told him he may as well sleep normally in the bed
he wouldnt hear it he wanted to be able to cuddle me so he too slept on top of the duvet
and i did eventually sleep but woke up so late...10:15am!
we went for a big walk and talked and stuff
it was overall a pretty relaxed weekend
we didnt do anything we said we would do as we just socialised instead or relaxed
it was what i needed actually
the only thing i didnt enjoy was that yesterday i realise i had forgotten my antidepressant....
just hadnt brought them from home...
so i havent had any since friday morning
i was very dizzy and unsteady on my feet and couldnt think straight
and wondered why
and when i was doing my medication it did look like i was one missing but couldnt work it out
so that would explain the nightmares on the first night as that has been the closest ive come to changing in 6months and my antidepressants do keep a lid on that
but i did feel ok mentally so i said to jack "maybe i dont need them, and i only feel a bit dizzy"
he didnt look convinced
but this afternoon after our walk i couldnt stop having cold sweats and was dizzy
so i think the withdrawal was rearing it's head
i came home at 5pm and took my medication
and i have stopped shaking and sweating luckily
as i didnt want to tell my mum "oh i havent had any antidepressants for 3 days" wouldnt have gone down well so i was hoping to cure the problem without her knowing
and i think i have managed that
i didnt want to leave jack
he has given me flump again ^^
im seeing him this weekend as dad is decorating my parents bedroom this time
so i will be escaping once again
its been a nice break and i think i needed to get out for a bit
im just tired now
when i got home i sat with my Ozwald straight away
mum says hes been a bit sulky which he usually is when im not there
i will sit with him again tonight
i checked my emails and i still have no work
tomorrow i will start my jacket hopefully
but i want to do some dancing or something
as i havent done any and im missing it!
