We made a decision

 Evening

So yesterday~~~

I got up and had breakfast and such, did 25mins of yoga then I went to the post office to go get rid of the many parcels I had sold on ebay

Then I came back and showered and stuff, and began making Jack's masks which I got just about finished when he arrived, then I made us some lunch which was pumpkin soup mum had been making on friday it was so good :3

Then we both sat with my parents. We came to a decision

we are going to inform the solicitors that we want the house regardless of what the roof survey comes back at. So they can proceed with the purchase and we would like a rough estimate of when it will be all finished. Then we are telling the estate agents also that we have told the solicitors that we just want to buy it and could they tell the bungalow owners such.

It's just going on and on now and we dont want to lose the sale so we are just gonna proceed really

I was able to stay in 'discussion' without having anxiety attack or panic attack :D

After that me and Jack went to look at beds at a discount bed store near me, and where I got my bed and mattress from. We talked on the way there about the house decision and he said he was fine with it all and onboard with it. I didnt want him to feel pushed into it.

We were very quick in the bed store XD

I wanted a metal frame bed if i honest. But they said they stopped selling those. I did not want one that lifts up to store stuff under it or ones with built in draws. So the only choice left was a wooden bed. They only did one wooden bed too. And its very basic at its a traditional look. It's solid tho and really thick too so its good stuff and made in England.

The guy pointed us in the direction of mattresses that are good for supporting joints

there was only 2 to choose from, and we started at the cheaper one which felt amazing then went to the more expensive one which was like latex or something, and i went on it and sank into it i didnt like it and nether did jack we both like the memory foam + springs mattress

as luck would have it, both the frame and mattress was in the sale as they had a sale on certain frames and mattresses so we got them both for £578!!! Thats so cheap for a double frame and mattress. Jack's mum said she wants to buy the bed but we are going to tell her how much it has come to so she can make the decision how much she wants to put towards the bed or if she wants to buy the whole thing.

We left there and had a quick break at home, then went for an hour's walk together and then came home and had a brew

i made us dinner then we just relaxed in my room a bit, watched comedy with parents and Oz I found it great and Jack enjoyed it. Then we went to bed I was out like a light before 11pm. I was done

Today we woke up at 8am

I sourced us some breakfast

then I had a shower and we went for an hour's walk again I was tired when we got in

then when we got in we pretty much went to Nigel's house to pick up the book cases

Nigel and dad put the book cases in the van whilst me and Jack talked to Nigel's wife. They seemed fine getting on with it. Once we got back tho it was all dad and Jack, manoeuvring the bookcases into the living room and they havent taken up too much space and mum isnt stressing at me about the untidyness of it all so thats a win

we rested on my bed and i fell asleep

woke up and had lunch and then i think i was just going in and out of sleep on my bed

i was just exhausted

jack left at 4pm to get back for his sunday roast

it was a good productive weekend tho

im leaving all the important emails to jack which i know he will manage just fine

since he has gone I have been trying to relax by doing some drawing

been doing the bulbasaur picture and this is how far I am

its coming along slowly, I have ideas for charmander and squirtle too

I need to get stuff ready for school tomorrow and paint my nails also

think i should have an easy week at school anyway - should

and yeah that was my weekend really it was nice :) 

just got face this week then 2 weeks off school! 

Last session at Nigel's

 Evening

Despite sleeping so much when I got home yesterday, I actually slept really well

I am still not sleeping actually in my bed im sleeping ON it but hey its sleep!

I woke up at 5:40am and got up at 5:45am cus thought I may as well really

I got ready and managed to totally avoid dad this morning, as in i actually didnt see him!

I left early as I wanted to get home early to go to Nigel's

The traffic lights all turned green whilst driving it was weird and I ended up

getting to school at 7:30! really early! but I made a start

Jack came in and I told him that I had been here half an hour already

and he said "you are keen" I said "no I have Nigel's after school" ><

so he was cool with me leaving as I had come early, we have a bit of leeway with leaving and starting, we have 30mins each way as technicians so we can be half hour early or late as long as we complete the 8 hours a day it is ok, if its over half hour we have to request the time or let someone know

Head of biology still wasnt in, then Luke found me in the morning and said that she had text him to say that her son has tested positive for Corona virus so she wont be in for a while :/ 

that virus keeps getting closer and closer

My day was alright it was easy I just keep feeling unwell, doesnt look good when I was in a ball shivering in the corner on my side and the head teacher saw...he was like "is she ok!?" Jack said "shes just having a minute shes not feeling good" I said "im so cold" I didnt want to say "im so hot" as he'd send me home with suspected corona no doubt but yeah probably didnt look good but i get my job done i just have periods of feeling unwell im sure its the remnants of this virus. my heart was going out of rhythm a lot too. and I said to julia and jack whilst eating  lunch "do you ever get it when you feel like youre on the verge of tears? like the littlest thing and you would just cry?" they both understood and said we all get times of feeling more fragile than others. as thats how i was feeling all day. like i could cry. i said to jack "I literally cant take anymore. If anything goes wrong or something I am just gonna have a breakdown and cry" I think Jack along with many others, are concerned about where my mental health is heading right now

I got home dead early as I left at 3pm I was able to have a brew with mum and a bowl of cereal (was starving) and a pain killer. Then I went to Nigel's

I told him how setting fire to the needles last week seemed to really help

he said "I should have figured setting fire to you works best" 

he did cupping, massage (that killed) and then set fire to 8 needles and put a further non-lit needles in my shoulders. But I told him I think one is burning my skin and he said it wasnt but I was convinced as the pain was red hot my got it was painful and he did put more card down to protect my skin which did help but i couldnt believe how hot they got and the room was so smoky 

I felt crippled by all of nigel's treatments

he said he was sorry it was the last treatment and I thanked him for all hes done for me

he said "I have enjoyed hurting you"

i laughed and said "well thats one way to remember you!"

he said "yeah its been good and if you and Jack ever come to belgium come say hello"

we have each other's numbers and instagram so we will stay in touch

i am seeing him on sunday at 12 to pick up the book cases

I am seriously gonna miss that guy, hes helped so so much and I wish him the best

I got home and showered to get warm

got in my pyjamas and had dinner

then I cut out Jack's masks to make tomorrow, doing my diary and then I plan on choosing Bulbasaur's colours then I will get Ozwald out for the evening. He sat on my knee last night X3 I love it when he comes hopping over and makes himself comfy on my lap

tomorrow

I am getting up and depending on how I feel I might do some dancing or at least some yoga as I have had 2 days on the go of not doing anything but I havent been able to do any exercise. Just glad I got through school to be honest!

I need to go to the post office in the morning to get rid of my ebay stuff

then I will come home and make a start on Jacks masks, and maybe the guinea pig plush if i get round to doing that as well. then at some point jack is coming over and he is sleeping over again which will be nice so i have the day with him and I think we are going to look round beds for the bungalow

dad just doesnt care especially at 7am

 Evening

I had to get up at 1:15am as I felt sick and achy, so I got up for an hour and ate the house out of cereal then crawled back to my bed where my alarm woke me much too soon

I felt a bit off this morning but continued with my routine and sat with Oz too

at 7am whilst I finish the last mouth full of my breakfast - a hot chocolate

my dad comes storming in the living room

"local lock down, no meeting between house holds"

i said "yeah i know"

he said "well can you arrange for Jack to come over at the weekend"

I said "I am not sure as his mum has a strict job"

he rolled his eyes like a teenager - bearing in mine he was not nice and was almost yelling and was confrontational at 7am about a subject I am very fragile about right now

i said "dont roll your eyes its not my fault"

he said "dont you be rude to me, Jack needs to come over here, you're going to lose the house at this rate"

i said "I do know that I just havent had time to talk to Jack yet"

my throat constricting, Oz decided it was toilet time so I picked him up to put him outside

he said "thats it walk away from me, walk away from your problems"

what an arse hole

of course i am crying at this point

does he enjoy making me upset? why does he talk to his customers nicer than he talks to me? what did i do to deserve that? does he not think i dont think about these things?

so I go upstairs to tie my hair up for school, crying

mum sees me and I tell her. shes annoyed cus she has said to dad that I am very fragile right now and I dont need this. Im still crying shes telling me to breath and yeah I had to go at this point

I cried all the way to work. Sat in my car composing myself as I looked bloody awful

I rang mum as I was panicing what dad would say to me when I got home but she reassured me she would talk to him and tell him to back off

20mins late going into work I had just about composed myself

I saw Jack - I hadnt told him I was upset this morning and as soon as I saw him. I broke down in tears. He asked me what was wrong and I said "just dad. he's an arse hole"

he offered to do my practical this morning but I wanted to do it so I went off to do that

and I actually did it very well

I came back and Jack made me a tea bless him and we had biscuits and stuff

the whole day was a massive slog as crying for over an hour takes it out of me big style 

so I was drained and looked like death but I knew when I would see my dad next he wouldnt be sorry or bothered that id had such a crap day cus of him. he has no remorse what so ever

i got home and cried a bit more! my face is sore from salty tears and wiping my nose

my eyes sting a lot too

mum made me tea and stuff and she said she had spoken to dad and he said "thought it would be an ideal time to talk to her, then she can see jack" she said "no, not at at 7am and not like that"

I couldnt be bothered with life so took 3 types of pain killers and crawled up to bed

no one woke me for dinner and everyone was out when I woke up so I warmed my dinner up and ate alone in the kitchen and then I packed all my ebay stuff up as I wanted to feel like i had done something productive with my evening

so yeah crappy ass day

tomorrow is friday, I have school then I am going over to Nigel's

Halloween Bulbasaur

 Konbanwa~~

I slept in my dressing gown, on top of my duvet and under and blanket

I was well and truly sandwiched between fluffy comfy layers and I ended up sleeping well

As usual I sat with Oz eating my breakfast and as usual he robs me of a treat then starts to do toilet!! he is total git and does it on purpose cus he wants to play out rather than sit with me, he sits with me literally when it suits him lately >.> i swear tomorrow, I am just gonna put him straight outside and not bother sitting with him as I keep having to leave my breakfast to throw him outside >.>

School, I got there and Luke was like "Jo you best be on it today, head of biology aint in"

i felt like doing back flips, no her or hard practical today ^^ 

So i just had Luke's practical today which went fine, he said it was the first time they have got the practical to work, previous years it didnt work so yay me

the day was A LOT easier, like not much running around at all

i looked at my bacteria and I am unsure if there is something there or not so Jack & Julia looked at it and we came to decision to give it another 24 hours to grow to see if more would grow. So i will check tomorrow. I did some painting as well which was nice to do. Then on my break I had a random idea 'what would bulbasaur look like with a pumpkin on it's back?' so I grabbed paper and 3 mins later I had this

Jack really liked it and I said I was thinking about doing it digitally so I put it in my bag

after school I sat with mum and had a brew, Oz was busy outside

then I did 10mins of dance followed by 20mins of yoga

I helped with dinner and clearing up as mum went out so it was me and my brother

then I started doing the digital bulbasaur and got this far with him

i will do a different colour scheme to his usual

not sure yet if i will do charmander and squirtle 

looks like my city will be in 'local lockdown' come friday as we are 6th highest corona cases city in the UK so that means no meeting up with anyone at their house. but if you want to go to the pub with them then thats totally cool. does some what make mine and jack's life harder when it comes to house stuff as we cant meet up to do anything now

my town has more than 500 cases which is A LOT i have to say as i live in a small town, bloody rife with it round here, glad i dont work in this town actually

we shall see how it goes~ 

tomorrow is school then when i come home i might pack the stuff up on ebay that sold, it all went for £89! much to my surprise i have to say! then might do more bulbasaur or something

i have two hard practicals tomorrow so i will see how i feel after school too

Hitting breaking point

 Evening

I kinda slept but still took me a long while to actually, sleep

and woke up a couple of times as well :/

My heart was very erratic, I laid there thinking "twice today by two different health care professionals have I been told today that my body is stressed out. That I need to look after myself more."

I need to look after myself more :/ people tell me to do it but I don't but maybe I need to, maybe these are signs of another breakdown on the horizon. How knows 

I didnt manage breakfast, stomach felt too knotted so i had a hot choc

Work, ah work was hard today

I spent a good hour on the prep room office floor in a ball, cold with my cardigan on, lab coat and jack's coat but I still shivered and felt achy and like crap. Jack took my temperature and it was 36c 

I felt awful but after some food and pain killers I did rally again and get the day done

my lunch gave me stomach ache tho, so i think my stomach is twisted up with stress again

but i couldnt handle anything like literally couldnt handle anything i told jack i needed my hand held, he helped me so much as I had the hard the practical tomorrow to prep and the chemicals i needed for that are a hard ask i have to say. but he helped. I found bacteria in the fridge and decided to test to see whether it was alive or not, so i will find the answer out in a few days time - if it grows daughters

I was happy to be home

i sat with Oz on my knee he went to sleep whilst i chatted with mum and had a brew

mum wanted to do a walk so i went with her not that i felt i had the energy particularly

as we walked mum went on AGAIN about jack the bungalow how he isnt doing stuff fast enough and I keep saying to her "i keep telling him!!" then she went on to say "I just dont want you losing the house, if the owners get peed off from waiting and feel they are being messed around" does she think i havent thought about this? that i havent already voiced this to jack? i felt my throat constrict. I said "i know mum, stop going on i dont wanna talk about it anymore" she went quite and my legs felt weak and tears ran down my face. She looked at me and apologised I said "I literally cant handle anything else mum so you stressing me out makes me want to have a panic attack" she said "Im sorry Im sorry, we will talk about anything else" and i could tell she felt bad for upsetting me but it was nothing to be upset over its just cus my body is at stress breaking point, i somehow held it together during work and i think the dam just broke when mum started up as well. she says that dad always quizzes her about the house as he knows i cant cope with his questions.

I came back and washed my face and put my pyjamas on, got stuff ready for school tomorrow and had dinner. Then I packed up a few things that have bids on, on ebay. They finish tomorrow~ probably wont make that much but better than nothing i suppose, just feel its been a lot of effort!

Now I will do a bit of digital drawing and tune off and do that

this is how far I am

tomorrow is school

got a practical first thing that involves acid that can remove skin from flesh ><

then I have the hard practical that involves me using the spray that can give you cancer

i gotta be awake tomorrow! 

appointments and managed school

 Evening

I could not sleep last night

was in too much pain and felt sick so I got up for a hot chocolate and more pain killers

I did just about sleep after that, woke up at 3:30am to get comfy again then at 5:30am I woke up from a dream I was having, watching a guy get buried under hot coals and I could hear and smell it. Woke up at that point. But couldnt get off to sleep so got up really

Oz had no time for me this morning, literally used me for a treat and that was it!

I just about got through my school day

it was a hard effort tho 0.0

my day started by seeing jack at the school gates - he was early....

good job too as i couldnt get into school my ID card kept flashing red, jack's flashed red then green. So he let me in and i went to IT department, chris wasnt in yet but karen was. I went to whine to her and she said the system had an update on friday then its been down since. So if you werent in on friday I missed the update which isnt usually a problem but having the system go down too literally kicked my card out the school, i wasnt the only one as several members of staff dont work fridays. She told me to come back later

I got back to the prep room, but of course I literally cant open any door in school so i couldnt get to anything! my first period was prepped so after an impatient 10 mins i went back to IT and chris was in ^^ and said "just fixed it, you can be the first to have their card fixed" woo ^^ chris is good to me, I started talking about pain killers. Chris when his knee is bad, takes more Zapain than me and karen my god, she put me to shame. I take 2x 75mg of pregablin she takes 3x 100mg pregablin....i will never worry about overdosing again not especially after she told me you can go up to 900mg!!!

I left there and went to tell jack what id learned about pain killers XD

the chris came to do my assessment and he sorted out a few things, the 2 chest of drawers that cramped my desk have gone, hes given me an amazing chair and getting me a foot stool to rest my feet on!! he says "you have to sit properly tho" i said i would give it my bestest go XD

then I had all on prepping a mitosis prac my god the teacher was being a pain in what she wanted, all 3 of us got involved and only just got it done on time. was there a thank you? nope

i was peeved, got it twice more then done!

On my break which wasnt until 11:15, got in at 7:50am i hadnt stopped i was dead!

i said to jack and julia my heart keeps going out of rhythm and they teamed up saying i had to get it looked at as its been 3 week >.> so i rang doctors up and the strangely got me in tonight...odd usually its a 3 week wait XD so then i rang vets to book Oz in as im going doctors he can suffer too and go vets XD ive booked him in for his jabs that were due in June, the receptionist said they still had a back log of jabs to do! id given them plenty of time too. But thought its best to get him done, what with winter coming up, i want him to be his healthiest. sadly i still wont be able to go in the room with him.....

Head of science came to see me and asked if i was ok as i had had 2 days off last week

 i told him im ok and getting looked at, he said if i want to talk or if i need help he was there :)

I had my pain clinic telephone call

she told me how well i was doing and that i am prescribed to take more Zapain if i wanted to (same amount as chris all along) i just hadnt understood my dosage. so yay i can take double what i have been! but i wont, not unless i NEED to. she said i need to relax more like do more stuff to relax me and have chill out time. even if it is just breathing exercises or craft work.

i finished up at school, somehow

got home and sat with mum and Oz with a brew, he snored on the sofa....honestly

then i did 45mins of yoga not that i could be bothered to even get off the sofa! but somehow did it

I cut some fabric out to make 2 more masks for jack, its only the backing fabric and the elastic and the wire but gave me something to do

after dinner i went doctors and yeah nothing to worry about it, just stressed and anxious he said its ectopic heartbeat and should go in 3 months, i could have blood tests if i wanted to but i said i was fine. and i left, then came home to put pyjamas on, now gonna get my lad

tomorrow is school

should be ok, then when i come home i make wrap a few things up that have sold on ebay

Jack's first sleep over here

 Evening

So yesterday I didnt do too much in the morning

I did a very short walk with mum and then I came back and showered, mum took me to the hair dressers as i didnt feel up to driving, it was lovely to see my hairdresser again ^^ She gave me a good hacking too i feel shes really taken a fair bit off and shaped it much better, she gave me some layers too cus i told her i didnt want my hair long and shapeless so yeah she knows what shes doing i leave it with her and im always pleased

I got back and had lunch started making mum and dad a new face mask as they wanted to try one i have made instead of the shop ones 

 then mum dyed my hair

i was shocked at the colour cus its been a long while since its been such a bright strong colour

its like reddy orange, i should take a photo really 

i love it tho

so i had to go rinse that off, so it was back to the shower for me -_____-

then Jack turned up just as I had finished drying my hair

i opened the door and shouted RED he was like "nah thats ginger" XD

So we spent the remainder of the afternoon together

we didnt go anywhere, we were planning on looking at beds together but i didnt feel up to it

we did a short walk which tired me out but i thought it would be nice for jack to walk by the bungalow just to keep his spirits up about it 

i made dinner, we fussed Oz and yeah we didnt do much and I said to him

"sorry we havent done a lot"

he said "Jo we dont need to do something every weekend, all the time. sometimes its nice to just have an easy weekend. besides the last weekends have been so busy what with moving out its been nice to actually relax and recharge"

so i didnt feel too guilty

we got the bed ready for the night

basically involving taking every plush off the bed and in a pile (more like mountain) in the corner of my room, and i had my quilt + 2 blankets + a pillow for Jack

and we made it work, it was strange, i dont share that bed XD

I didnt sleep too bad actually much to my surprise and Jack slept pretty well

so it went well

Then today

we got up at 8am and i made us breakfast - cereal and tea XD

then we had a pamper session, so I used some facial products on us, Jack is usually up for anything XD he was new to face packs and face sheets so yeah, and he let me cut his eye brows as they were so long in places they just needed taming, i didnt shape or wax then just thinned em out a bit which he was grateful for. he enjoyed it all then had a shower.

we did a short walk and bumped into rob and mia taking the dogs for a walk :)

then i had a rest on the bed after lunch

then we sat outside in the actual sunshine with the pets and had a brew which was nice as Oz loves jack so he was showing off and getting excited it was quite sweet really

then it was pretty much time for jack to catch the bus and tram home but he helped put my bed straight before he left :) 

when he left i had my dinner and since then looked for fabric online cus jack was thinking of buying masks online as he knows i dont like making them but i told him NO i will make him some :)

mum and dad have since worn their masks i made and said how much better they are and how they look better too  ^^ so i ordered jack some fabric he wanted science masks but ive gone for a space fabric and then a book fabric so yeah got those to do at some point

now i will get stuff ready for school and might do some drawing

then sit with Oz then do my nails :3

so ive had an easy weekend, it would have been a very boring weekend of recovering over this virus without jack being here so i am grateful for him coming over i have to say

i told him im coming work unless im like death and just see how i go