Molly's lump and Bulbasaur finished

 Evening

I didn't sleep that well, woke up at midnight after over heating, I had slept in my dressing gown so I wasnt too shocked. I decided to get up, air the bed and cool off. Had some cereal and pain killers and went back to bed just before 1am. Then woke up at 3am - cold as I hadnt got my dressing on - cant win!

Then finally woke up at 5:30am and stayed in bed til 5:50am

I was dreading dad opening his mouth and disturbing my morning, literally cant cope with him or his tension first thing in the morning. but luckily he didnt say anything

School was lonnggggg

I had no practicals, but also I had no lessons tomorrow! there wasnt even anything to prep! that is a rarity it doesnt happen often. Sure as hell makes the day go slow. Jack had me doing display work, which I usually dont mind doing but I cant get enthusiastic about science paintings 

So i kept coming back to it

but it didnt help it being so damn cold. Its October - it's cold. And the school still havent put the heating on!!!! the windows and doors in every room and corridor are open, making the school bloody freezing. We thought our radiator in the prep room wasnt working but no its actually cus they havent put the heating on! Im hoping they are waiting til after this week, after the 2 weeks half term holiday. I wasnt the only one moaning about the cold the literally every member of staff was. teachers walking in the corridors with coats on. doesnt look right. and i think "at least i can layer up and walk round" unlike the kids who have a uniform and have to sit in the their seats. they must be freezing

in the end i ended up being a shivering ball on the floor

i was so cold and numb I stopped thinking. I have poop circulation anyway never mind when its extra cold. I literally stop functioning and my body shuts down, i felt like crap and I was really tired. I wanted to come home and asked jack if i could work from home XD

i had an early lunch by myself so i could take pain killers in the hopes i would feel better

it kinda worked i guess

Me and jack signed a bit or paperwork for the solicitors 

didnt get the display anywhere near finished theres just so much to do!

I came home and mum made me brew and I had a cake or 2 

then I got Molly ready for the vets, she was good girl in the car as there was about a 20min wait

the vet took her and we had to wait outside for her, which was very odd and it didnt sit well with me. I mean god only knows how i will be next month when I take Ozwald for his check up and jabs. The idea of handing him over to a stranger and not being able to see whats happening or be with him, yeah I dont like it one bit. But says it will all be fine

Molly came out and she had been a good girl I think, we didnt hear squeaking anyway

the vet wasnt overly concerned, he said the lump may continue to grow so we can monitor it and see how it goes, they could take cells with a needle and poke it a few times and wipe the cells on a slide then send that slide off for analysis (this way molly wouldnt need to be put under) or to just take the lump now. But he said that the lump was movable so it meant it wasnt attached to any organs. we decided to keep an eye on it for now. 

so we took her home and i put her with her babies and cut them some grass, the vet trip was all soon forgotten about 

I washed my face and put my pyjamas on then had dinner then did some yoga

then i wanted to start my drawing but i have ran out of time plus im really tired

so i will leave it for tomorrow i think

but i got bulbasaur done anyway, i think he looks cute :3

tomorrow

i actually get a 'lay in' til 7am anyway

as i have pain clinic at 9am, i could get up a bit later but it clashes with my family's usual routine of when i have left the house, i leave before my brother and mum get out of bed usually!

so i will get up at 7am and then leave the house around 8:40am

i am seeing the hypermobility specialist as im concerned about my joints, then i will go straight to work from there, making sure to wear another layer to work -_____-

i have no lessons tomorrow so i hope its not another long day, i said to jack i might just not bother coming in XD so yeah thats tomorrow anyway

He just doesnt get it

 Evening

I woke up at couple of times, I was cold but then I hadnt slept in my dressing gown as I was too warm when I first went to bed ><

I got up and saw my lad and such

then at 6:37am my dad "has jack emailed the solicitors?"

I was almost gob smacked that it was before 7am, he hadnt said ONE WORD to me and the first thing he says to me is that. He knows I am fragile and he just doesnt care he just says it

I said "I assume so but I havent heard from him"

jesus

Work was ok

I didnt have any practicals on, did some painting

Then during a run around period, i was feeling anxious about the house anyway as we had just been talking about it all and what with running around with a mask on, my breathing just went everywhere

I was walking back with Jack and he could hear my breathing, he said "Jo if you cant breathe take the mask off" So I did and practically panted like a dog. When your anxious, your breathing goes out the window as it is never mind with a sodding mask on and running around

I got into the prep room and shed a few tears, I was just stressed with house stuff and then I think "If i am like this now, what will I be like when I have the house?" 

I was worried and stuff and as Jack calmed me down he checked his emails and he had one from estate agents to say roof people were coming on monday and so he emailed back saying it was great and that we had asked solicitors to go ahead with it all, which all did help my anxiety

I got on with the rest of my day and wasnt too deathlike through the day - somehow

I did get a txt from Theo - we have each other's facebook but cant say we message much

and he said "I havent heard from Jack in a while, I need him to actually message me back cus there are some loose ends that needs tying up with the flat"

I said "sure, i'll get him to message you, I kept asking him how you were and he said you had settled in so i assumed you were both in contact. How are you doing?"

He said "Im getting better now but last sunday I got a positive test for corona"

Jesus, it gets closer

Jack came into the room at that point and said "Jesus jack you didnt tell me theo has had corona!!" He said "WHAT!?" when!?" at first I thought 'what does it matter when?' then i thought 'oh hes wondering if hes infectious' but nah its been too long so hes fine and theo says hes getting better hes just exhausted

scary

I got home and sat with Oz

then mum put Tillie & Truffle on my knee, Truffle cant sit still

We're taking Molly to the vets tomorrow as she's had this lump growing on her tummy for a while now and mum wants to get it looked at so I said I would go after school

After the pets had gone I did 45mins of yoga and felt better for it

then got pyjamas on and stuff

I collected my salad from mummy and ate it in my room for a change

I came downstairs and my dad's first words to me were "have you heard anything from solicitors?"

not 'how was your day?' 'how are you feeling' none of that, just cut to straight what I cant cope with. I just said "well no, but roof people are going in next monday" that seem to pacify him

despite me saying when we first started the house thing "any news and i will let you know"

he doesnt seem to get that

I dont think he seems to understand that buying houses takes time, even more so when theres a pandemic going on -____-

I just came back upstairs, out the way and thats where I have remained!

Im gonna do a bit of drawing now for half hour then sit with Oz and go to bed

We made a decision

 Evening

So yesterday~~~

I got up and had breakfast and such, did 25mins of yoga then I went to the post office to go get rid of the many parcels I had sold on ebay

Then I came back and showered and stuff, and began making Jack's masks which I got just about finished when he arrived, then I made us some lunch which was pumpkin soup mum had been making on friday it was so good :3

Then we both sat with my parents. We came to a decision

we are going to inform the solicitors that we want the house regardless of what the roof survey comes back at. So they can proceed with the purchase and we would like a rough estimate of when it will be all finished. Then we are telling the estate agents also that we have told the solicitors that we just want to buy it and could they tell the bungalow owners such.

It's just going on and on now and we dont want to lose the sale so we are just gonna proceed really

I was able to stay in 'discussion' without having anxiety attack or panic attack :D

After that me and Jack went to look at beds at a discount bed store near me, and where I got my bed and mattress from. We talked on the way there about the house decision and he said he was fine with it all and onboard with it. I didnt want him to feel pushed into it.

We were very quick in the bed store XD

I wanted a metal frame bed if i honest. But they said they stopped selling those. I did not want one that lifts up to store stuff under it or ones with built in draws. So the only choice left was a wooden bed. They only did one wooden bed too. And its very basic at its a traditional look. It's solid tho and really thick too so its good stuff and made in England.

The guy pointed us in the direction of mattresses that are good for supporting joints

there was only 2 to choose from, and we started at the cheaper one which felt amazing then went to the more expensive one which was like latex or something, and i went on it and sank into it i didnt like it and nether did jack we both like the memory foam + springs mattress

as luck would have it, both the frame and mattress was in the sale as they had a sale on certain frames and mattresses so we got them both for £578!!! Thats so cheap for a double frame and mattress. Jack's mum said she wants to buy the bed but we are going to tell her how much it has come to so she can make the decision how much she wants to put towards the bed or if she wants to buy the whole thing.

We left there and had a quick break at home, then went for an hour's walk together and then came home and had a brew

i made us dinner then we just relaxed in my room a bit, watched comedy with parents and Oz I found it great and Jack enjoyed it. Then we went to bed I was out like a light before 11pm. I was done

Today we woke up at 8am

I sourced us some breakfast

then I had a shower and we went for an hour's walk again I was tired when we got in

then when we got in we pretty much went to Nigel's house to pick up the book cases

Nigel and dad put the book cases in the van whilst me and Jack talked to Nigel's wife. They seemed fine getting on with it. Once we got back tho it was all dad and Jack, manoeuvring the bookcases into the living room and they havent taken up too much space and mum isnt stressing at me about the untidyness of it all so thats a win

we rested on my bed and i fell asleep

woke up and had lunch and then i think i was just going in and out of sleep on my bed

i was just exhausted

jack left at 4pm to get back for his sunday roast

it was a good productive weekend tho

im leaving all the important emails to jack which i know he will manage just fine

since he has gone I have been trying to relax by doing some drawing

been doing the bulbasaur picture and this is how far I am

its coming along slowly, I have ideas for charmander and squirtle too

I need to get stuff ready for school tomorrow and paint my nails also

think i should have an easy week at school anyway - should

and yeah that was my weekend really it was nice :) 

just got face this week then 2 weeks off school! 

Last session at Nigel's

 Evening

Despite sleeping so much when I got home yesterday, I actually slept really well

I am still not sleeping actually in my bed im sleeping ON it but hey its sleep!

I woke up at 5:40am and got up at 5:45am cus thought I may as well really

I got ready and managed to totally avoid dad this morning, as in i actually didnt see him!

I left early as I wanted to get home early to go to Nigel's

The traffic lights all turned green whilst driving it was weird and I ended up

getting to school at 7:30! really early! but I made a start

Jack came in and I told him that I had been here half an hour already

and he said "you are keen" I said "no I have Nigel's after school" ><

so he was cool with me leaving as I had come early, we have a bit of leeway with leaving and starting, we have 30mins each way as technicians so we can be half hour early or late as long as we complete the 8 hours a day it is ok, if its over half hour we have to request the time or let someone know

Head of biology still wasnt in, then Luke found me in the morning and said that she had text him to say that her son has tested positive for Corona virus so she wont be in for a while :/ 

that virus keeps getting closer and closer

My day was alright it was easy I just keep feeling unwell, doesnt look good when I was in a ball shivering in the corner on my side and the head teacher saw...he was like "is she ok!?" Jack said "shes just having a minute shes not feeling good" I said "im so cold" I didnt want to say "im so hot" as he'd send me home with suspected corona no doubt but yeah probably didnt look good but i get my job done i just have periods of feeling unwell im sure its the remnants of this virus. my heart was going out of rhythm a lot too. and I said to julia and jack whilst eating  lunch "do you ever get it when you feel like youre on the verge of tears? like the littlest thing and you would just cry?" they both understood and said we all get times of feeling more fragile than others. as thats how i was feeling all day. like i could cry. i said to jack "I literally cant take anymore. If anything goes wrong or something I am just gonna have a breakdown and cry" I think Jack along with many others, are concerned about where my mental health is heading right now

I got home dead early as I left at 3pm I was able to have a brew with mum and a bowl of cereal (was starving) and a pain killer. Then I went to Nigel's

I told him how setting fire to the needles last week seemed to really help

he said "I should have figured setting fire to you works best" 

he did cupping, massage (that killed) and then set fire to 8 needles and put a further non-lit needles in my shoulders. But I told him I think one is burning my skin and he said it wasnt but I was convinced as the pain was red hot my got it was painful and he did put more card down to protect my skin which did help but i couldnt believe how hot they got and the room was so smoky 

I felt crippled by all of nigel's treatments

he said he was sorry it was the last treatment and I thanked him for all hes done for me

he said "I have enjoyed hurting you"

i laughed and said "well thats one way to remember you!"

he said "yeah its been good and if you and Jack ever come to belgium come say hello"

we have each other's numbers and instagram so we will stay in touch

i am seeing him on sunday at 12 to pick up the book cases

I am seriously gonna miss that guy, hes helped so so much and I wish him the best

I got home and showered to get warm

got in my pyjamas and had dinner

then I cut out Jack's masks to make tomorrow, doing my diary and then I plan on choosing Bulbasaur's colours then I will get Ozwald out for the evening. He sat on my knee last night X3 I love it when he comes hopping over and makes himself comfy on my lap

tomorrow

I am getting up and depending on how I feel I might do some dancing or at least some yoga as I have had 2 days on the go of not doing anything but I havent been able to do any exercise. Just glad I got through school to be honest!

I need to go to the post office in the morning to get rid of my ebay stuff

then I will come home and make a start on Jacks masks, and maybe the guinea pig plush if i get round to doing that as well. then at some point jack is coming over and he is sleeping over again which will be nice so i have the day with him and I think we are going to look round beds for the bungalow

dad just doesnt care especially at 7am

 Evening

I had to get up at 1:15am as I felt sick and achy, so I got up for an hour and ate the house out of cereal then crawled back to my bed where my alarm woke me much too soon

I felt a bit off this morning but continued with my routine and sat with Oz too

at 7am whilst I finish the last mouth full of my breakfast - a hot chocolate

my dad comes storming in the living room

"local lock down, no meeting between house holds"

i said "yeah i know"

he said "well can you arrange for Jack to come over at the weekend"

I said "I am not sure as his mum has a strict job"

he rolled his eyes like a teenager - bearing in mine he was not nice and was almost yelling and was confrontational at 7am about a subject I am very fragile about right now

i said "dont roll your eyes its not my fault"

he said "dont you be rude to me, Jack needs to come over here, you're going to lose the house at this rate"

i said "I do know that I just havent had time to talk to Jack yet"

my throat constricting, Oz decided it was toilet time so I picked him up to put him outside

he said "thats it walk away from me, walk away from your problems"

what an arse hole

of course i am crying at this point

does he enjoy making me upset? why does he talk to his customers nicer than he talks to me? what did i do to deserve that? does he not think i dont think about these things?

so I go upstairs to tie my hair up for school, crying

mum sees me and I tell her. shes annoyed cus she has said to dad that I am very fragile right now and I dont need this. Im still crying shes telling me to breath and yeah I had to go at this point

I cried all the way to work. Sat in my car composing myself as I looked bloody awful

I rang mum as I was panicing what dad would say to me when I got home but she reassured me she would talk to him and tell him to back off

20mins late going into work I had just about composed myself

I saw Jack - I hadnt told him I was upset this morning and as soon as I saw him. I broke down in tears. He asked me what was wrong and I said "just dad. he's an arse hole"

he offered to do my practical this morning but I wanted to do it so I went off to do that

and I actually did it very well

I came back and Jack made me a tea bless him and we had biscuits and stuff

the whole day was a massive slog as crying for over an hour takes it out of me big style 

so I was drained and looked like death but I knew when I would see my dad next he wouldnt be sorry or bothered that id had such a crap day cus of him. he has no remorse what so ever

i got home and cried a bit more! my face is sore from salty tears and wiping my nose

my eyes sting a lot too

mum made me tea and stuff and she said she had spoken to dad and he said "thought it would be an ideal time to talk to her, then she can see jack" she said "no, not at at 7am and not like that"

I couldnt be bothered with life so took 3 types of pain killers and crawled up to bed

no one woke me for dinner and everyone was out when I woke up so I warmed my dinner up and ate alone in the kitchen and then I packed all my ebay stuff up as I wanted to feel like i had done something productive with my evening

so yeah crappy ass day

tomorrow is friday, I have school then I am going over to Nigel's

Halloween Bulbasaur

 Konbanwa~~

I slept in my dressing gown, on top of my duvet and under and blanket

I was well and truly sandwiched between fluffy comfy layers and I ended up sleeping well

As usual I sat with Oz eating my breakfast and as usual he robs me of a treat then starts to do toilet!! he is total git and does it on purpose cus he wants to play out rather than sit with me, he sits with me literally when it suits him lately >.> i swear tomorrow, I am just gonna put him straight outside and not bother sitting with him as I keep having to leave my breakfast to throw him outside >.>

School, I got there and Luke was like "Jo you best be on it today, head of biology aint in"

i felt like doing back flips, no her or hard practical today ^^ 

So i just had Luke's practical today which went fine, he said it was the first time they have got the practical to work, previous years it didnt work so yay me

the day was A LOT easier, like not much running around at all

i looked at my bacteria and I am unsure if there is something there or not so Jack & Julia looked at it and we came to decision to give it another 24 hours to grow to see if more would grow. So i will check tomorrow. I did some painting as well which was nice to do. Then on my break I had a random idea 'what would bulbasaur look like with a pumpkin on it's back?' so I grabbed paper and 3 mins later I had this

Jack really liked it and I said I was thinking about doing it digitally so I put it in my bag

after school I sat with mum and had a brew, Oz was busy outside

then I did 10mins of dance followed by 20mins of yoga

I helped with dinner and clearing up as mum went out so it was me and my brother

then I started doing the digital bulbasaur and got this far with him

i will do a different colour scheme to his usual

not sure yet if i will do charmander and squirtle 

looks like my city will be in 'local lockdown' come friday as we are 6th highest corona cases city in the UK so that means no meeting up with anyone at their house. but if you want to go to the pub with them then thats totally cool. does some what make mine and jack's life harder when it comes to house stuff as we cant meet up to do anything now

my town has more than 500 cases which is A LOT i have to say as i live in a small town, bloody rife with it round here, glad i dont work in this town actually

we shall see how it goes~ 

tomorrow is school then when i come home i might pack the stuff up on ebay that sold, it all went for £89! much to my surprise i have to say! then might do more bulbasaur or something

i have two hard practicals tomorrow so i will see how i feel after school too

Hitting breaking point

 Evening

I kinda slept but still took me a long while to actually, sleep

and woke up a couple of times as well :/

My heart was very erratic, I laid there thinking "twice today by two different health care professionals have I been told today that my body is stressed out. That I need to look after myself more."

I need to look after myself more :/ people tell me to do it but I don't but maybe I need to, maybe these are signs of another breakdown on the horizon. How knows 

I didnt manage breakfast, stomach felt too knotted so i had a hot choc

Work, ah work was hard today

I spent a good hour on the prep room office floor in a ball, cold with my cardigan on, lab coat and jack's coat but I still shivered and felt achy and like crap. Jack took my temperature and it was 36c 

I felt awful but after some food and pain killers I did rally again and get the day done

my lunch gave me stomach ache tho, so i think my stomach is twisted up with stress again

but i couldnt handle anything like literally couldnt handle anything i told jack i needed my hand held, he helped me so much as I had the hard the practical tomorrow to prep and the chemicals i needed for that are a hard ask i have to say. but he helped. I found bacteria in the fridge and decided to test to see whether it was alive or not, so i will find the answer out in a few days time - if it grows daughters

I was happy to be home

i sat with Oz on my knee he went to sleep whilst i chatted with mum and had a brew

mum wanted to do a walk so i went with her not that i felt i had the energy particularly

as we walked mum went on AGAIN about jack the bungalow how he isnt doing stuff fast enough and I keep saying to her "i keep telling him!!" then she went on to say "I just dont want you losing the house, if the owners get peed off from waiting and feel they are being messed around" does she think i havent thought about this? that i havent already voiced this to jack? i felt my throat constrict. I said "i know mum, stop going on i dont wanna talk about it anymore" she went quite and my legs felt weak and tears ran down my face. She looked at me and apologised I said "I literally cant handle anything else mum so you stressing me out makes me want to have a panic attack" she said "Im sorry Im sorry, we will talk about anything else" and i could tell she felt bad for upsetting me but it was nothing to be upset over its just cus my body is at stress breaking point, i somehow held it together during work and i think the dam just broke when mum started up as well. she says that dad always quizzes her about the house as he knows i cant cope with his questions.

I came back and washed my face and put my pyjamas on, got stuff ready for school tomorrow and had dinner. Then I packed up a few things that have bids on, on ebay. They finish tomorrow~ probably wont make that much but better than nothing i suppose, just feel its been a lot of effort!

Now I will do a bit of digital drawing and tune off and do that

this is how far I am

tomorrow is school

got a practical first thing that involves acid that can remove skin from flesh ><

then I have the hard practical that involves me using the spray that can give you cancer

i gotta be awake tomorrow!